thankful

Today was the first Thanksgiving I've been with my family in two years. Fortunately, those two years were spent with the best friends ever so it wasn't too hard being away from my family, but it was very nice to be back home, especially after the year I've had. My family hosted Thanksgiving this year for a total of 17 people which was a little crazy, but also wonderful. The guests were all close friends of the family and their friends/family. Due to certain craziness in my extended family (isn't there always some craziness in extended families?) we don't celebrate Thanksgiving with any of them. So it is nice that we have a kind of adopted Thanksgiving family.
Anyway, tonight we went going around the giant table saying what we are thankful for. For some reason, I ended up being the last person and I was pretty emotional after hearing what everyone else was thankful for and thinking about all the great things that have happened this year. Since I was crying I didn't really get to share fully. So I thought I would take the time to really think about it and blog about it. Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday because I think it is important to pause and thank God for getting us to where we are.
Here is my list of thanks for the year:

• My Cottey friends who have become like family. I'm so thankful for how they have loved and supported me, especially the ones who were around when my dad was in the hospital and there was all kinds of crazy going on back home with my family.
• Having the greatest roommate experience.
• My dad survived brain surgery 
• Being able to go to Barcelona with some of my best friends. It was the best getaway at the best time and I am so fortunate to have had that opportunity.
• Finishing Cottey. With the way things ended I am so thankful to be done with that place.
• Staying with friends on the drive home from Cottey.
• That day in Yellowstone with my dad where everything was so fresh and bright and everything seemed like it would be okay in the midst of a lot of not okay.
• Spending a lot of time with my dad, even though it wasn't always fun. That roadtrip home was some of the best memories I've ever had with my dad. And after getting home, I've spent more time with my dad than I ever had growing up. I'm so happy he's still alive, even when things are frustrating and hard and overwhelming. Things are okay.
• Going to California with my mom and brother and sister to visit my grandparents. I'm so grateful for all the time I get to spend with them because time is so uncertain.
• Golfing with my grandpa
• Disneyland with my siblings and treating my mom to lunch at the Blue Bayou
• Roadtrip home with my sister and lots of bonding over Lost and Dance Academy
• Starting school and actually feeling like I'm making progress toward my future and getting this far through the class. It certainly hasn't been easy, but I'm still going. And I'm determined to make it through
• Getting my jobs taking care of babies and toddlers has given me so much joy over the past three months and I am grateful for the woman who got me that job
• Being around for my mom and being able to help her out at school when she is overwhelmed
• Making it through this year and starting to figure things out

So, when I look at it like this, things look pretty great. This year has been one of the hardest of my life, but God is so good.

Don't worry about anything; instead pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus. 
-Philippians 4:6-7

facebook

Sometimes I really hate facebook. I don't want to stay connected with all of these people that I used to know. But I feel like I'm obligated to. I feel like it's some strange form of cruelty to delete people. It just sounds so cold. Deleting people sounds like they no longer exist. That you want to obliterate them.

I've had no problems deleting people in the past. People who I was never close to. Those people I had a class with in ninth grade. People I added to my friends list because it was weird not to. So I said yes to the friend request and then later had no problems removing them and cutting off that contact. We were never really ever in contact, so it's not like it made a big difference.

But what about with the people I used to be friends with? Those people I shared my secrets with. Those people I cried to when life sucked and laughed with when life was fantastic. What about them? If it wasn't for facebook, these relationships would be over. We probably would never talk to each other again. We wouldn't know about each other's future experiences. We would probably think of each other from time to time, but maybe not. 

Is it wrong to click that unfriend button? Does that say "I'm giving up on us"? And, if it does, is that wrong? 

There are quite a few people on my friends list who I would like to remove. It's probably doing me more harm than good to know what they've been up to over the years. And yet, in some convoluted way, I still want to remain connected to them. I can't seem to bring myself to unfriend them because that truly means that those times in my life are over. We aren't friends anymore. And it's kind of sad to move on. But we really aren't friends anymore. So why am I so hesitant?

I wish that old friendships could just fade away without that constant reminder that this was a person you used to talk to and she's doing great things without you. I wish you could gradually grow apart from people. But with all of these online connections (not just facebook), friendships have changed so much. But that's a topic for another day.

I guess right now, I just can't decide if I should cut some people from my friends list. Those people that really aren't friends and haven't been for a long time. Unfriending them feels harsh and concrete and mean. But I think keeping a blaring reminder of them isn't exactly healthy either. I think it's time for me to move on. And if that's mean, oh well. It's my facebook. I can do what I want.

Or can I? Did I acquire some social responsibility that I can never shake the moment I signed up for facebook over five years ago? Am I obligated to keep my friends list growing? I think not. I hope not.

I'm thinking about this too much. I probably won't ever delete my facebook entirely because I use it for easy and consistent communication with friends all over the place. But this is the closest I've ever come to want to walk away from the whole thing. I want to say goodbye to quite a few people but I feel like I can't. And I don't know what to do.

a crisis of faith

It's one of those middle of the night times where I am overwhelmed by fear. I am so afraid that I'm not living up to my potential, whatever that means. I'm afraid that I will never really make a difference. I'm afraid of changing my mind and letting people down. Basically, I'm afraid of failure.
I've heard from many people that your 20s are supposed to be the best time in your life. But I'm afraid that I'm going to spend the entire decade too stressed out to enjoy anything. Everything is so expensive. Life is so uncertain. And I feel like every decision I make now will have a huge impact on the rest of my life. I'm not sure that I can handle that responsibility.
I'm afraid that I'll never fall in love and never have a family of my own, which is what I really want. I'm worried that I'll lose all of my friends and never make new ones because everybody secretly hates me. I know this is irrational, but I think about it a lot.
I have made so many plans in my head that may never come to fruition. I may never be able to realize any of my dreams because what if my dreams aren't really what I want? Or what if they are? That second thought terrifies me more. And it also means that I have a lot of work to do.
What if I never move out of my parents' house? What if I can't afford to finish college? What if I never get a "real job"? What if I'm just a failure for the rest of my life?
And what if my parents' health fails (more than it has already)? How will I handle this? Who will take care of them? I will. I will be left to do it. But what if I don't have the money to take care of them?
And, more immediately, my car keeps breaking down and I can't afford a new one. I kind of need reliable transportation. And breaking down once on the side of the road is enough to make me terrified that it's going to happen again in a much more dangerous place. I realize cars are just things and money is just things, but they are kind of important things.
Basically, I'm most afraid of being an unlovable failure. I don't know how to eliminate this fear other than just keep moving through life and hoping and praying for the best. But sometimes that's not enough to calm my fears. And I know this is kind of a crisis of faith because when has God ever let me down? But since I am so disgustingly human, I suck at trusting.

election headache

It's election season, which is probably my least favorite of all the seasons. But soon we'll get to have Christmas season so I guess I'll just have to ride out this one. Anyway, election season.
This is the first Presidential Election I'm eligible to vote in. I've voted in some local elections, but no Big Major Elections. So I should be excited to exercise my right to influence the country and all that. But I'm not. I'm super underwhelmed by my choices. I feel like a lot of the focus of this election doesn't really matter and no one actually knows what they're doing. And so I don't know who to vote for. (This is kind of a lie. I've pretty much figured it out in the last week but it took me a long time.)
Part of the problem is that there are many people whom I love and respect who are hardcore Democrats. They will never vote for a Republican even if someone put a gun to their head. Even if it was the best choice. They never will. Their beliefs and ideals are super liberal and they have studied and researched and this is what they have decided. And then, on the other hand, there are many people whom I love and respect who are hardcore Republicans and who could never vote for a Democrat and all of that.
Because I'm a young voter and a lot of politics are kind of complicated, I would logically turn to older people I love and respect to get advice. But who's advice am I supposed to take? How can all of these people who I believe to be extremely smart and well-educated have such differing views? And who am I supposed to agree with?
I know. I'm supposed to do my own research and come up with my own ideas. But a lot of how I see the world depends on these people that I love and admire. And it doesn't sit right with me to disagree strongly with any of them. I just don't know how one ideology can be 100% correct. And the other 100% wrong.
Which is why I think we need to get rid of political parties all together. But that's an entirely different conversation.
Anyway, the biggest thing I hate about election season is that people are so mean to each other. People seem to forget that people who vote the opposite way they do are still people. It's disgusting. No one should go die because of who (whom? I'm having the biggest problem with this word today) they want to vote for.
I guess that's all. Happy voting!
And then we get Thanksgiving and Christmas and all that. :)

sadness, caring, and love

I feel really sad and hurt and angry and all kinds of things right now for a variety of reasons and I feel like I need to write something. But I have no idea what I'm going to write or if I should even post it on the internet. I probably shouldn't. But I'll make that decision when I'm done writing.

Anyway, today I had to get HIV/AIDS training. It's required for health care professionals (and it's super weird to me that I will one day soon be a health care professional). Anyway, this training consisted of spending seven hours talking about HIV/AIDS and watching two different movies. I don't know that I learned anything new. Say what you will about public school health classes, but my high school and middle school did a pretty good job teaching this stuff. I consider myself to be pretty well-informed on the subject. But I am fortunate enough that it's not something I think about on a daily basis. I don't have to think about it. I know that I'm taking sufficient precautions to prevent getting HIV myself and I don't really know anyone that has it. So it's sort of in the back of my mind and I think about it when we talk about it in church or school and then I feel kinda bad and donate a little money and then move on with my life. I get that I'm super lucky that I can do that.
But today, I am overcome with sadness. It sucks that there are millions of people worldwide living with this terrible thing. It sucks that it just keeps spreading and that people are still ignorant about it. And I just want to make it stop. I just want to help all of the people who are sick and who are dying. But I can't. There's only one of me and I don't have the resources to help. So all I can really do right now is pray.

One thing that I've become really aware of over this past week as I've started my CNA training is that there are some things that are outside my comfort zone. I'm scared of strangers in general. I'm an introvert. Talking to new people is hard. But I realize that this is something I have to get over in order to love and care for all people.
I don't know how much I've talked about this, but I'm positive that God is calling me to be a nurse. I'm certain that this is what I'm meant to do. I'm meant to show God's love to everyone. I'm meant to take care of people. And this is something I have to do, even though I might be insecure about it. Even though I'm sort of terrified. How can little introverted me talk to strangers all day long? But if God used Moses (another introvert) he can certainly use me.

So I got home from school and talking about AIDS and having all of these thoughts and I went on tumblr. I was just scrolling through my dashboard like usual and came across several posts about how Christians hate everyone and don't want God to bless anyone other than themselves and generally just how Christians suck and all of that. And it's really nothing I've never heard before. I agree that some Christians are not very good at showing God's love. I get it. I'm so sorry that some Christians say and do things contrary to Christ's love. I know why we have this awful reputation.

But it hurts my feelings that people think that I hate everyone. Because I don't hate anyone. And I don't believe God does either.

Sorry if this sounds like some poor Christian crying about being discriminated against. I'm not trying to whine. But my heart is so full right now and I'm just overwhelmed with how much I care about people. I'm overwhelmed with how much God has made me care. I don't hate you. I never will. And God never will either.

cleaning thoughts

Since moving back home, I've started noticing all kinds of little (and big) projects that need to get done around the house that no one has really been doing since everyone is busy. So I've attempted to tackle some of them. My current project is cleaning out the wrapping paper storage area. This might not sound like a huge job, but trust me, it is. It's like this huge conglomeration of tissue paper and ribbons and gift boxes and bags. There's just stuff everywhere and no detectable organization. So I took it upon myself to go through everything. Since starting this project, I've had a lot of thoughts:

1. I would like it to be Christmas right now.
2. I've had a lot of good Christmases and birthdays and celebrations in my life and even though my family is messy and complicated we've had some really good times together. And we really do love each other, even through some questionable gift giving.
3. People die. Even people you love. And when you see their handwriting on an old gift bag you will cry.
4. I can't wait to play Santa for my future children. I can't wait to see their faces as they open the perfect gift on Christmas morning or on their birthday. Being the Easter bunny will be super fun, too.
5. Some depressing thoughts about consumerism. (I have practically a whole room full of stuff to wrap other stuff. It's kind of disgusting.)
6. I miss being a little kid.
7. Life moves so fast.

an update of sorts

I've spent most of the day in my room on my computer. There's this really great and addicting stupid game called jewelanche and I'm trying to get to level 30 (I think I'm at level 20 right now). I feel slightly pathetic for how much time I've spent on this game (it's kind of like all of those other gem games like Bejeweled and whatever). I feel like I wasted a day. I sort of did waste a day.
However, I still went to church and made dinner for my family and went for a run. Yes, I went for a run. I never thought that I would say that. Now, I wasn't running the entire time, but I still ran. I'm not a fast runner, but I still did it. And I think maybe eventually I might even like running. Gosh, who am I? I don't even know anymore.
Even though I've mostly been a lazy bum all day, I'm still proud of myself. This week has been the first week of my "Thinking about Life Differently" week. I've been super conscious about what I eat and how much exercise I do. And I lost 4 pounds this week. It's not a huge number, but I'm so proud of it. And I'm determined to keep working on being healthy. It's so satisfying to know that I'm doing things now that will help me be healthier and happier later. It's basically the smartest investment ever.
This past week I also wanted to spend more time with God. I made an effort, but wasn't completely successful. It's so hard to get that into my routine. And I hate that it is because like, hello, it's God. I should be focusing all of my life on God, not just when it fits into my schedule. I just feel really alone in my faith right now and it's hard. I was talking to my mom about this yesterday actually. I just don't have any Christian peers. I would love to be able to be a part of a young adult bible study or something, but there just isn't one at my church. And changing churches is something I don't think I can handle right now. I just feel like I'm missing out on the community aspect of faith.
In other news, I started my job working with the babies at, coincidentally, a community bible study. I was super nervous (and I still am, to be honest) but I'm mostly just an assistant so I just make sure the babies don't like fall over and I try to entertain them. It's mostly fun. I thought that this would make me want to be a mom even more than I already do. But it's definitely made me want to wait quite a while before that happens. If I have to wait another decade, I can certainly handle it. I still love babies, but I'm going to wait on that for a while. A long while.
So that's about it for now. I have one more week before classes start. I am going to get my room all clean and organized this week. I have to or I will be so disoriented all quarter. And I'm not going to spend all week on the computer. I promise.

stupid things

I hate when I do stupid things. I hate when I have the best intentions and then things don't work out. For example, today I woke up early. Way earlier than I needed to. So I decided I would wash my sheets. I gathered all of my sheets and blankets and such and put them in the washing machine. Twenty minutes later, I couldn't find my ipod. I found it in the washing machine. It's been sitting in a container of rice since then, but as of now it still doesn't work on its own.
It was just such a stupid thing for me to do and I kind of hate myself. I just spent more money than I would have liked on school tuition, and now I'm pretty broke. I did get a job, but it's so teeny tiny that even if I save everything I make it still won't make much of a difference. I can't afford to just buy a new ipod. I wouldn't feel like a responsible adult if I did buy one. It's just kind of an unnecessary extravagance.
I'm also so mad because I was just starting to get into a routine where I listen to certain songs before sleeping. It was really calming me down and helping me focus on God before falling asleep. I wasn't feeling so panicked about life and I was sleeping much better. Now that my ipod isn't playing I can't really do that.
I know this is all so trivial in the grand scheme of things. But it was just a simple aspect of my life that really made me happy. I love music so much. And I know everyone loves music, and it's cliched and whatever to say that. But I really do love music. It's a huge part of my life. And I'm hugely disappointed that I have to alter how I listen to music.
I'm just going to hope that after sitting in rice all night it will decide to turn back on and start playing again.

self-improvement

A lot in my life is changing and I'm entering this weird new phase that's completely different from anything else I've experienced thus far. On the one hand, I'm super excited about it all. On the other, I'm kind of terrified. But it's really awesome to become a real live grown up person.
Anyway, I've been sort of feeling overwhelmed and unsure and stressed and emotional and all that fun stuff. I'm trying to make a plan so that I'm in the best place possible for the rest of the year (and the rest of my life, but that's kind of far ahead to plan). I'm trying to set reasonable goals that will increase my inner peace (I never say stuff like that, but that's basically what I'm trying to achieve).
So, starting next Monday (September 10), I will

1. Wake up by 8 every day.
2. Stretch and walk/run/jog at least three mornings and two evenings every week.
3. Spend each night falling asleep while praying and listening to Jon Foreman/JJ Heller/other Christian music.
4. Keep a food journal.
5. Read the Bible and journal at least four days a week.
6. Limit internet usage (I'm not sure what the exact details of that will be, basically don't spend more than an hour online at a time and don't check the internet first thing when I wake up).
7. Clean and organize room and keep it that way
8. Play piano at least three times a week
9. Read more books
10. Be in bed by midnight, sleeping by 1
11. Do unexpected nice things for people
12. Organize school stuff and (once school starts) make up a consistent study schedule

That's all I can think of at the moment, but I'm trying to be really excited about this next part of my life :)

dear

These are a collection of thoughts that I want to say to various people but I never will for various reasons. I don't know if it makes any sense. But I need to get this out or I will explode.

Dear ________,
Just once I want you to ask me how I'm doing and actually listen to my answer. You never ask. And when I offer subtle hints, you never listen. It's always about you. I love to care about you, but I need you to care about me too.
I wish you could recognize what it's like to be your friend. I wish you could see just how wonderfully frustrating you are. I don't have to be your friend. But I am because I love you. This isn't working for me, though. I'm getting nothing in return for how much I have given you. That's not how relationships (romantic or otherwise) work. So please need me as much as I need you.
I know your life is wonderful. I know that there are so many things that have happened in your life that I am no longer a part of. But the same is true for me. I have had many adventures since high school. Maybe they're not very prestigious. Maybe they don't matter to the rest of the world. But they matter to me. They have been some of the most important moments in my life. I wish you cared.
I do not regret the decision I made so long ago. I did not make a mistake. Sure, things are harder and more complicated than I thought they'd be, but that's life. Please just be happy for me. Please let me feel that I'm good enough.
Stop whining. Do something.
I can't be the strong one all the time. Sometimes I need a break. Sometimes I need to cry by myself. Sometimes I can't take care of everything all the time.
Sometimes I hate myself.
Thank you. Thank you for loving me. I wish you weren't so far away. Come back to me. Please. I need you.
I miss you. I don't want our friendship to be over. We really are just friends though. Even though I may have had a crush on you at some point. I'm over that now. I miss our long talks about everything. You understood me and you weren't afraid to call me out when I was ignorant. I needed that. I still need that. Text me.
Goodness gracious, just TELL people. At least your closest friends. Especially when you're involving multiple people in your decisions. You're just making things more awkward. For everyone. I'm tired of you being stuck in the past while expecting me to stay there with you. I've moved on. Move with me. Move with all of us. Things that happened in high school happened in high school. No one cares anymore. Move on. But please explain to everyone what's going on. Because I don't like lying for you. I'm still going to because I care about you, but stop taking me for granted.
You are so wrapped up in yourself that you can't see how you're destroying everyone around you. You're not being fair to the rest of us. There is no shame in getting help. Please recognize how hard this is for everyone else. You're not the only one dealing with this.
I admire you. But you're also so stupid. Stop with the stupid. It's not necessary. It's not helpful. Just stop. But I'll keep loving you anyway, even if you don't.
Thank you for listening. I just needed to be heard.
Love always,
Me

another pointless blog post

I'm not very good at blogging. At least not at this point in my life. I'm not really sure why. It's not like I'm lacking in thoughts or anything. I think about everything all the time. Maybe I'm not confident enough to let these thoughts leave my head and enter the endless internet space. It's not like anyone reads this. Except for me. And I have a diary/journal/whatever in paper format that's just for me for those thoughts. Maybe I'm not ready to part with my thoughts. Maybe I like thinking and overthinking and keeping it all inside.
Today, I really felt like writing. Something. Anything. But then I didn't know how. So I had to just walk away without writing anything. I used to think I was a writer. I am not a writer. At least, not a writer of fiction novels the way I sometimes fantasize about. I don't have enough ideas. I don't remember how to tell stories. 
But maybe I'll try again. I feel like writing fiction or non-fiction or poetry or blog posts or random thoughts will help me figure out how to move forward in my life. 
I'm thinking about doing BEDA (Blog Every Day in August) this year. I did it last year on my tumblr and was mostly successful. I don't know if I'm going to be home throughout August this year so I don't know how practical trying to blog will be. But I think I would like to try. We'll see. I still have a few more weeks to decide.
So this has been another pointless blog post, courtesy of moi. Thanks for reading? I don't know.

haven't blogged in a while

Hi.
When I'm afraid of facing reality, I try to hide. I don't write to get me through it because I'm afraid of admitting to myself scary truths. But I don't want to study biology anymore (even though I have a test tomorrow) so I figured I'd attempt to make some sense out of my feelings and thoughts and post it on the internet for everyone (or no one) to see. Because that seems logical.
At the moment, this is currently my least favorite summer. I'm in school three days a week. I have no "real" job and therefore no money. My room is still a mess from moving back home in May. My family is full of issues. I'm taking care of my aging parents when I don't feel like they should be old yet. I'm freaking out about the future and how to live as an adult. And I feel so trapped. I feel alone. I feel separated from my friends, both in a physical, distance-y sense, and in an emotional, you don't understand and I don't feel like letting you sense.
I don't think that makes sense.
I actually know that doesn't make any sense. I'm basically self-sabotaging because I'm afraid to let people in. I'm afraid to make mistakes. I'm really afraid to live. I'm dying to get out and start my own life. But what if I fail?
I second-guess myself about everything. I just want to know, without any doubt, that I'm going to make the best choices for me. But I'm never sure.
I'm not handling things very well. I'm procrastinating about many things (including my bio homework by writing this blog) which is only stressing me out more. I'm shutting down instead of opening up. I'm ignoring people I love. I'm failing at relationships, with others and with myself. I'm not sleeping very well. Every day is a struggle. And now I sound super emo and depressed. I promise that I'm not. I'm still doing okay. Or at least okay enough.
I didn't know that I would feel like this after Cottey. I didn't know how alone I would feel. I didn't know how much I would want to retreat instead of face things. Which is silly because I've always been like that. Why should now be any different?
I'm running out of things to say. Or at least things I want to say right now. And I should really get back to work. Maybe I'll write more later. Or maybe I won't need to.
Maybe I will continue to be surprised at just how much one person can take. Maybe I'll snap out of this and love life. Maybe. Eventually.

so what now?

It's been quite a while since I last blogged and life just keeps on happening. I graduated. No longer have to worry about Cottey. I can begin the process of moving on. I'll get there eventually.
Now I'm in this weird part of life that I've never experienced before. This is the first time that I haven't had anything planned out. I'm not in school, at least for the moment, and I don't know where I'm going next. I don't have a job, although I am working on that. So I don't know what my life is going to look like a month from now. And definitely not a year from now. But I guess no one ever really does. They just think they do.
I might be terrified at all of these unknowns. Maybe I should be terrified. But I guess I'm not. What's coming will come and I will meet it when it does. I don't have any other choice. I'm just going to take it one day at a time. I'm going to pray and hopefully be able to hear what God wants for my life. That's my intended focus. I know it's not always easy, but I'm really going to try.
This blog post is pretty short. I guess I don't have much more to say right now. I'm sure I will have more to say soon. Because I have a feeling this next year is going to be a crazy one. I'm just not sure how yet.

no regrets

I finished up with schoolwork for the semester today, which means I'm done with school at this school. Which is super weird. When I got here in August of 2010, I never thought how I would feel when it was all over. I was so caught up in the feelings of a new location and a new phase. I didn't think about the ending. Which is natural. We don't like to think about endings, especially when things are first beginning.
But everything ends. Sometimes we're happy when things end and sometimes we're sad. And usually it's a mixture between them.
At this point, I'm feeling relieved and proud and sad and happy and anxious. That about sums it up. I'm relieved that I've made it to this point and that I don't have to do schoolwork for the near future. I'm proud that I made it through these past two years even though everything crazy happened. But I made it through and I kind of kicked butt. I'm sad to be leaving my friends and my room (because my room has been my favorite this year). I'm happy to leave a lot of things about this place. I'm happy I never have to deal with them anymore. Ever. And I'm super anxious because I don't know what's next. Life is big and crazy and scary and I don't know what I'm doing. But no one really does, so you just kind of fake it until you can figure it out. At least that's my plan.
There have been lots of things that happened in these last two years that have made me sort of bitter about the whole experience. About a month ago I was at the point where I hated almost everything about what this school has put me through. I was so frustrated and angry and I wished that I had never come here. While I'm still frustrated and a little angry, I can't change the decision I made two years ago. I left home and went to school in the middle of nowhere. These last two years have definitely had an impact on my life. I'm not the same person I was in 2010. And that's a good thing. That's an excellent thing. I like myself a whole lot more now. I like the person I'm becoming. I still have a quite a ways to go until I've fully become that person, but I'm getting there.
Basically at this point I can't believe that I'm leaving this place in four days and never coming back. I mean, that's crazy. Time is weird.
Anyway, through all of the madness, I don't regret coming here. I can't regret coming here. You couldn't pay me enough to come back for two more years, but I don't regret these past two years. Because I love my new friends more than I ever thought possible. I don't know where I would be without them. I love that I proved to myself that I don't need someone to take care of  me. I can be a responsible adult. Which isn't actually that surprising, but to 2010 Me it kind of is.
So here I am, up really late and worrying about the future. Just like old times. But unlike old times, I realize that no matter what decisions I take I can come out a stronger, happier person.

grief

Grief hits at odd times. I know that everything is connected and we live to make connections. It's how we understand our world. But sometimes my brain makes connections that I'm not quite expecting and then BAM. Grief.
Last time I blogged I wrote about the girl who went to my school last year who died in a car accident. So then I started thinking about things ending and life and death and all kinds of things. And then yesterday, I'm sitting in the quiet study room quietly studying all of the impacts of the Cold War on America from 1945-1991, and suddenly I start thinking about my aunt. My aunt who died of breast cancer in 2002.
I do tend to think about her from time to time, but it's not really grief anymore. At least, not until yesterday. Usually I just think of memories. I remember little silly (or not so silly) things that have to do with her. But yesterday, I just sat and thought, "I want to go to her house and see her right now." And the fact that I can't made me want to cry. I don't know why I all of a sudden want to see her. But I just really do.
Since this happened yesterday, I've been thinking about her a lot (I mean, in between studying for finals). I wonder if she's proud of me. I mean, obviously she's proud of me. She would be proud of whatever I decided to do with my life. That's just the sort of aunt she was. I wonder how I would look at the world if she was still alive. How would I be different? I wonder what she would say to me today. I just really want a hug from her.
I don't know why I feel this way now. I haven't felt like this about her in at least five years, probably longer. It's not close to any significant holiday involving her. It's not her birthday or her death day or any holiday. So why do I miss her so much this week? I don't know. I will probably never know.
Grief is weird. Loss is crazy. Life is hard.

the ends of things

I suppose it is natural for me to be thinking about the ends of things considering the circumstances. I'm graduating and moving on to something completely different and (sort of) yet to be determined. But I wasn't really thinking about things ending until I heard tonight that someone who went to my school last year died in a car accident. I didn't know her really at all. I mean, I knew who she was. It's hard not to know everybody at a school this size. But I never had a conversation with her. I never had a class with her. So I guess I'm not really mourning her because I never knew her. But I'm mourning that her life ended so young. Everything ends. But why did her life have to end so soon? I don't know. I guess the same reason lots of things end before we're ready for them to. Friendships and other relationships end often before we're ready to let go. Childhood ends before we feel all grown up. People die before we're ready to say goodbye.
If everything is so temporary, why do I freak out about everything so much? I'm only on this earth for a short time and then I won't be anymore. In 100 years nothing I do or say now will have an effect on anyone. I don't really know where I'm going with these thoughts. Mostly I'm just thinking out loud (or at least in writing).
Anyway, in a week I am leaving this school forever. Everything about this place will be over for me. It will now only exist in my memories. For some reason, this feels a lot different than leaving high school did. I'm not sure why. I think maybe because my home is still two blocks from my high school. I'm coming back home and I'm sure, in some respects, it will feel like I never left. But I'm not coming back here. I also went to school with the same people I went to high school with for my entire childhood. Even though I don't see most of them anymore, I still feel like they are part of my home. I don't feel the same way about people I met in college. I have only known them for two years, if that. It feels really soon to say goodbye to all of this. But I also feel like I've been here forever.
So basically I'm terrified of my future, but I'm also sort of not. I'm excited. I think. I think I just have to continually remind myself that everything ends and I should make the best of it while it's happening. I know it sounds super cliched, but it's true.

friendships are hard

Recently I've come to the realization that I'm going to get hurt in a lot of relationships because of just how much I care about other people. And how I expect that others will care about me just that much in return. Except that it's not possible for a lot of people to care as much as I do. So I end up hurt.
I don't open up to people very readily. If I've opened up to you, you're special and I care a lot about you. I want to be your friend forever. Or at least for a very long time. I would do pretty much anything for you at this point. Once we've reached this point, I'm not going anywhere. But, in return, I expect to be cared for, too. That's only fair.
But sometimes, that's just expecting the impossible. Not everyone cares as much or in the same way I do. I've said this to myself several times a day lately. Not everyone cares as much or in the same way I do. I don't know why this is so hard for me to get this through my head. Not everyone cares as much or in the same way I do. And that should be okay. I should lower my expectations. I should appreciate what I have. But I can't.
I have had some very, very good friends. I still have some very, very good friends. But it hurts a lot when I feel like I've done everything I can for a friend and then I get ignored. Then I have no one to lean on.
I'm probably just being overly dramatic. I probably just need to get over myself. I keep getting hurt and that's probably my fault. So, either I must change, or I need to accept that I will get hurt.
See, the thing is, I can't stop caring about people. And I don't want to. I don't want to stop forming deep, close friendships. I don't want to stop loving. But I am going to have to find a way to figure out how I'm going to cope when I feel unappreciated. Because this isn't really working for me.

in which i reevaluate my internet usage

Last night I got back to my room after a day of classes at around 8:00 and then proceeded to spend three straight hours on the internet. Not doing anything really productive. I chatted with a few friends, watched some videos, tumblr-ed a lot, tweeted a bit. And then three hours had passed.
I don't like this. I don't like the way I felt at 11:00 when I realized just how much of my time was spent on the internet. My head felt like it had turned to mush. I felt guilty because I didn't get anything done. And throughout those three hours I didn't connect with anyone face-to-face.
One of the things I did during those three hours was watch this TEDTalk about technology and connection. About how we're always connected but always feel alone. I found myself agreeing with basically everything this woman said. I also felt disgusted with myself because I am guilty of everything she was talking about.
It is easier to communicate in text form. It's simple and you can edit yourself so the reader only sees the best of your thoughts. But humans aren't perfect. We're all a mixed up jumble of ideas and beliefs and misunderstandings. We forget and struggle to find convey meaning. We say things we don't mean. We ask stupid questions and give stupid answers. That's who we are. In the past week, there have been three separate instances where I forgot things that I had already said and repeated them to the same person. It was a little awkward and embarrassing. Especially because I've gotten so used to communicating online where I have a little more time to think through things before I say them. But I'm only human. It's okay to not be perfect. It's actually normal. I think we're eliminating this normal humanness by hiding behind a screen all the time.
I'm not saying that all technology is bad. I love the internet. I love that I get to talk to my friends who live far away from me just by typing on a screen. But I wish I could talk to them in person. Because that feels so much more real to me.
I feel like I missed out on three hours of life last night. And that scares me. Life is not infinite. Sitting in my room in front of a computer screen isn't really living.
So I've decided I need to do something about this. I need to cut back on the internet. It's not fulfilling me. It's not making me happy.
Yes, I do realize that it's ironic that I'm blogging about cutting back on the internet. But if it makes it better, I wrote all this down in my journal last night first. I'm just retyping it here because I want it on my blog. I am not abandoning the internet, I'm just going to spend a little more time away from it. That's all.
I'm going to read more and journal more. I'm going to have more face-to-face conversations and maybe even talk on the phone more (gasp!). I'm going to pray more and think more. I'm going to exercise more and sleep more.
Like I said before, I'm not going to completely cut the internet out of my life, but I think I need to seriously limit how much I use technology. And reevaluate how I use technology. Because while many pictures of baby animals are adorable, tumblr really isn't the best way I can spend my time. I'm not eliminating it (obviously), but I am going to cut back.
I feel like I'm at this point in my life where the world is completely open to me. I can choose to do whatever I want. And I don't think the internet is what I want my life to become.

why i quit dancing

This came up during my piano post and I thought I'd elaborate a little more, because I think it's important. So, like I said, I was a ballerina from the age of 3 to the age of about 7 or 8. Then I'd had enough. And I can actually pinpoint it to the exact instant that I wanted to be done with the ballet world. I've never actually told anyone about this. I told everyone I wanted to quit because I was too busy with other things. That was a lie.
This incident must have occurred in my last year of ballet, so I was probably in first or second grade. We were doing some ballet warm-ups at the bar. I remember doing some sort of plié and my teacher was watching me. She complimented my plié and then she said, "Suck it in, Rosemary." And that was the first incident where I felt uncomfortable in my own body. That I had to suck in my stomach to look like a ballerina. Even though I did the steps right, I was wrong because my stomach stuck out too much.
I felt so icky about going to dance after that and at the time I didn't really understand why. And it's taken me more than ten years to actually comprehend what that single comment did to me. I didn't think I was fat, but clearly my teacher did. My teacher, someone in authority, told me that my body was not acceptable. I mean, now I recognize how brutal the dance world can be about body appearance. But I was only 7. I just danced because it was fun. I liked the movement and the rhythm and the music. I liked learning the steps and dancing in a show. But after that moment, I didn't like it anymore because I felt like I was not acceptable. I was not thin enough to be a dancer.
One of the greatest things about being at Cottey (hey, look, I'm able to find something positive in this college nonsense) has been being able to try dancing again. I took a dance class last semester. My first dance class since second grade. And I loved it. I wasn't the greatest at it, but I had so much fun. It was so great to be able to move that way again. And no one said anything about what my body looked like. I just learned the steps and added my own expression to them and it was wonderful. And I learned that I can be a dancer even though I don't look like society's expectations of a dancer. So that's been great.
But I will always wonder where I would be if my teacher never would have said what she said and I would have kept dancing after second grade. I mean, I probably would be in better shape for one thing. And I might even like the way I look more. But honestly, I can't place all the blame on my ballet teacher for my negative body image. Because if she wouldn't have said something, I would have heard it from someone else.
I just wish I could go back and tell my 7-year-old self that it doesn't matter what you look like. I could still dance and I could still be beautiful. I wish that I could have encouraged my 7-year-old self to prove my ballet teacher wrong. To prove that how much my stomach stuck out did not affect how well I danced. But I can't. And I will continue to fight against my ballet teacher's words for a long time. It's gotten less painful over time, but I still think about it on occasion and it has definitely affected my self-esteem.
But I'm working on believing that every body is beautiful. Even mine.

piano thoughts

I've been thinking about this a lot and I've wanted to blog about it for a while, but I'm not sure I can put into words what I feel. But I'm going to try.
Music has always been a big part of my life. And I know it's sort of cliche to talk about music like this, but I feel like my musical journey is more than a cliche. I feel like it has more value than that. Anyway, when I was very little (like 3 years old) my mom put me in ballet classes because I would always "dance" around the house whenever there was music playing. I took ballet class (and eventually added some tap to that) for about five years. I stopped taking dance classes at the end of second grade. And it was mostly because I didn't feel like I looked like a dancer. I didn't have the "body type" for it. But that's a topic for another day.
Anyway, after I quit dancing, I switched to piano. I'd always been interested in it and I would always want to "play" whenever I was around a piano. So my parents found me a piano teacher and I loved it. I wanted to play, so practicing wasn't really a chore the way it is for a lot of piano students.
There was one point in about 7th grade where I was getting pretty fed up with a lot of things about my life and I wanted to quit piano. That was the only time that my parents forced me to keep going. And I'm so happy they did. Because I've gotten pretty good at this whole piano thing by now. Which, you know, is probably a good thing, since I've been playing for twelve years.
And I still love it. Honestly, I think it would be amazing to be able to just sit and play piano all day long. No worries or responsibilities, just piano. Lately, during my practice time, I've been having these moments that bring me to tears. I'm just playing along and suddenly there's this chord that is just so magnificent, so poignant, that I just have to stop and cry. It's like I want to hear and play that music forever. But I know that I can't.
And that's the problem. These next two weeks are the last two weeks of piano lessons I will have, at least for the foreseeable future. I'm going to keep playing piano, obviously, but I won't have a teacher anymore. I won't have someone better helping me improve. And this will be a major change in my life. I guess I've just realized how important piano is to me that I can't imagine my life without it. So I'm going to continue playing on my own and see what happens. Piano is too important to me to just stop.

life plans

I feel like I should blog more (and I just really don't feel like cleaning my room) so I decided to attempt to write something. I don't really blog regularly which makes me sad. It's not like very many people even read these (and I don't expect them to) but I guess I just like contributing to the internet. I like being a part of it.
I think every day this week I've though, "I should blog," but I don't know what to blog about. Everything seems so trivial and at the same time life-altering. If that makes sense, which it probably doesn't. My life is changing once again. And I really hate transitional periods. But I've come to realize that life is just one big transition. I guess it's inescapable, so I better start enjoying it or I'm just going to be miserable.
I guess I could talk about my summer plans. I don't know what they are. That's the short answer. The long answer is a bit more complicated.

Things I'm (hopefully) doing this summer:

• taking the last few credits I need for nursing school at community college
• finding a job/working
• exercising
• volunteering
• not hiding in my room on the internet because I'm too afraid of facing my future

I guess it doesn't seem so scary when I write it down. I would love to get a job in some form of childcare, whether it's at a day camp or being a nanny or something. I'm also hoping to still teach piano, but that's not really a big enough job (ie, I'm not going to make enough money being a piano teacher, unless I get quite a few more students, which I would totally be up for). I could also work in a office or something. I mean with my receptionist skills I've obtained this year working at the desk in my residence hall, people should be begging me to work in their office.

It's weird that I'm going home, but I'm also an adult. I'm going back to live with my parents and my brother and so much is different since I last lived there. It'll just be an adjustment. And hopefully I don't go too crazy.

I guess I am pretty excited about starting a new phase of my life. I just need to keep myself from regressing back to high school me. I can be an adult and I can be responsible and I can get a job and all that jazz. Because I am an adult and I am responsible. And life is complicated and it kind of takes a while to get the hang of it.

reflecting

I cannot believe that this school year is almost over. My time at Cottey is almost over. And while I'm so ready to be done, I just can't believe how fast it has gone. I've been through so much since I moved out here to the middle of nowhere in August 2010. I had no idea what I was getting myself into. Basically, I have met some of the most amazing people ever. They are my closest friends and I know that we will have this lifelong friendship. Which is amazing. I've also learned a lot about how college works. Or maybe not. Because, as we all know by now, Cottey is not "normal" college. I have also learned that it's okay to take chances. Even if things don't go exactly how you think they should, it's still okay. Cottey was not what I expected and I still survived. I have no idea what I'm doing with my life now. I don't know where God will take me. But I have a good feeling about the future. If I can make it through this phase of my life, I can make it through anything. I hope.

my love/hate relationship with the internet

I love the internet. I love how it promotes creativity and conversation in a way that nothing else does. It allows reading and writing and listening and talking. I have learned a lot from the internet because it organizes so much information. I have been introduced to new music and new ideas. I have seen beautiful things and watched thought-provoking videos. Everyone has a potential voice on the internet. Usually.
But I also don't think that the internet is the best thing in the world. The internet eliminates live, face-to-face interaction. People are blocked by screens. And being online makes it very easy to miss out on some of life's most interesting and beautiful moments. I know that I have missed things by being online. While I think that spending time on the internet is fun and sometimes important, it doesn't compare to real life. You cannot hug people through the internet. You cannot hold an internet hand. You can't go on an adventure with people through the internet. You cannot dance in the rain or blow bubbles in the sun with people through the internet. You can connect with people through the internet, but those relationships don't seem as memorable as those real-life connections.
And then there's the whole miscommunication aspect to the internet. It is so easy to misunderstand someone else's intentions when your only communication is through the internet. It is also so temptingly easy to say things you don't really mean, or wouldn't say in face-to-face conversation. And it is amazingly easy to overshare and expose yourself to the entire world in ways you never intended. I am guilty of all of these things. I love that the internet allows communication. It's been especially nice when I have friends and family all over the place. It's much easier to keep in contact. But it is also difficult to say exactly what you mean and it comes across exactly the way you intended it to.
I certainly don't think the internet is bad. I don't think it's wrong to make friends over the internet. I don't think it's damaging to spend time on the internet. I do think it can be tricky. And it is important to still value life and the things around you. In the real world. Because that's where some of the most beautiful things exist. So I have decided to start seriously limiting my time spent online. Because I'm not finding it emotionally fulfilling and I feel like I'm missing out on living life.

haunted by humans: a book review

“I wanted to explain that I am constantly overestimating and underestimating the human race— that rarely do I ever simply estimate it. I wanted to ask her how the same thing could be so ugly and so glorious, and its words and stories so damning and brilliant.” -The Book Thief, Markus Zusak


I finished reading The Book Thief last night at 2 am. I had heard people talking about this book on occasion all over the internet, so one day I decided to get it from the library. I didn't know what it was about at all. I just knew that a lot of people thought it was good. And wow. I was not disappointed.
I've read quite a few books. And I've never read one quite like this. The writing style is so haunting and intriguing, which I think is so appropriate to the story. This book is about the Holocaust and life in Nazi Germany. So, not exactly a pretty time in human history. There is lots of death (the whole book is basically death) and horrible circumstances that people had to endure. And their only comfort was each other.
Basically, I think that everyone should read this book. I don't know if I could read it again (I'm still suffering emotional trauma right now) but it is so brilliant. Like, I can't even put into words all of the things I'm feeling right now.
I think one of the reasons this book was so devastating to me was the lack of God. There were thousands and millions of people dying and the book doesn't mention God. There is no hope of an eternal afterlife. There is no hope for the future. Life is just awful and then you die. And I have to believe that there is more than that. I'm probably not explaining this very well, but if you have read the book, please feel free to talk to me about it. I'd love to discuss this (and any and all aspects of the book) with anyone who is interested.
Basically, I think that Markus Zusak does an excellent job of giving names and faces and personalities to Nazi Germany. It no longer seems like some far-off thing that happened. It feels much more personal. Much more awful. Which is how Nazi Germany should be portrayed. It was devastatingly awful.


Edit: I don't know why the font is different for this post... but I don't know how to fix it. It seems pretty insistent that it's going to look different. Whatever.

a dream journal

I know everyone hates listening to other people talk about their dreams. I kind of do, too. But, last night I had a really vivid dream, and I don't usually analyze my dreams all that much, but this particular dream seemed to have so many metaphorical resonances that I couldn't help it.

The dream started where I really wanted to go see Emma, but she lives like five hours away and I don't have a car. So my mom decided to mail me a car. A red VW bug. I got the car and it was super adorably cute. But it wasn't an automatic so I didn't know how to drive it. My mom was explaining how to drive it over the phone and I ended up in the middle of a busy road with cars rushing past me. Then I drove straight into a lake and got stuck. An old-ish, grandpa-ish guy came down in a hang-glider thing and rescued me out of the car. We were flying up over the lake and I was freaking out because I was just holding on to this metal bar and I was afraid I was going to fall. We flew over the lake and got to this little secluded lagoon and there was a man sitting in a wheelchair on a little boat. He was getting ready to go surfing or something. The old man and I were worried that the other man was going to get hurt since he was by himself. We landed in the water to try to help him, but he thought we were trying to hurt him, so he got really mad and started yelling at us.
Using several different internet sources, along with my own ideas, this is how I analyzed my dream:

1. The Red Car I Failed At Driving: I think that the car is important because it allows you to move about and get from place to place. As I've been frantically trying to figure out how I'm going to go from Cottey to a nursing school or whatever else it is, I feel like I'm stuck. I also was pretty annoyed when I went to bed last night, so that's probably why the car was red, representing anger or frustration. So basically, I want to be in control of my life, but I'm stuck and it's making me angry.

2. The Lake: The lake in my dream wasn't particularly choppy, but it wasn't completely still either. I think that it probably represents the obstacles I've been facing. I've been driving my car along and I run into a lake is basically the same thing as me living my life and going along and then get stuck in this transferring nonsense.

3. Flying with an Old, Experienced, Flyer: This seems obvious. I need someone older, wiser, and more experienced to help me out of my lake. So basically, I should ask for help when I need it, and someone who knows what they're doing will help me along.

4. Finding and Trying to Help the Disabled Man: I know that I help people out a lot. I often try to seek out people who are hurting or need assistance in some way. This is why I want to become a nurse: to help people out of the water in any way I can. I also worry a lot about people who are attempting things that I think are impossible.

5. Man Yelling At Me: Clearly, I need to back off and try not to help out so much. People are perfectly capable of living the way they want to. It's not my responsibility to make sure everything is running smoothly for everyone. This makes so much sense for so many reasons that I don't need to get into on the internet.

I don't usually care too much about dream interpretation, but this dream was just so fantastically metaphorical that I couldn't not analyze it. Clearly, my brain is super stressed and confused and would like me to stop helping other people and rely on others for a change.

a rant

I'm not having a very good day today. I'm super stressed about two tests that I have tomorrow. These tests kind of determine what my grade is going to be in these two classes. And I care a lot. I've studied so much, but I still feel like I don't know everything. My brain just can't hold anymore information. People I usually like are really annoying me. I can't solve everyone's problems. And I can't care about everyone's problems. Even though people seem to think that I can. I'm sort of having a pity party for myself. And no one else seems to care. I'm tired of being responsible. I'm tired of being the one people lean on. I just want to lean on someone else. I don't know why I'm expected to do stuff for other people.
I have to live at home next year and not do exactly what I want. And I'm not looking forward to it. I'm trying to pretend that everything will be fine. But everything won't be fine. I'm trying to be positive because I feel like everyone expects me to. But I don't want to be. It sucks. I want to move on with my life, but I feel like things keep holding me back.
I can't afford school. No one can. So I don't really take it very well when people complain to me about how they can't afford school. It's not an original complaint. You figure it out. You sacrifice. Get a job. Save your money. And you can get where you want to go. Everyone has to sacrifice. You're not the only freaking person who can't afford to get what you want right when you want it. I know it sucks. But there is nothing else I can do for you.
I don't know at whom I am angry. Myself? My friends? This stupid school? I don't know.
I just want to curl up in a ball and cry. I can't deal with all of this anymore.

not everyone is like me

Sometimes I get stuck thinking that everyone thinks and acts just like me. I'm guessing this is a pretty normal human behavior, but I've been noticing that I think this way a lot. I just start assuming that everyone feels the same way I do and then I get hurt. When someone does something that I never do because it would annoy me so much, I get hurt. When someone is inconsiderate of my feelings, I really feel let down because I work so hard to respect everyone for what they need.
But then I have to stop and think about it for a while. They aren't trying to hurt me. They just view the world differently. I'm definitely overly considerate. I don't have a problem with this. Most of the time. I have had people tell me that I'm too nice and I'm aware that I'm a bit of a pushover. But I want people to be as considerate of me as I am of them. But this will never happen. So I either have to just let it go and cut people even more slack, or just be miserable most of the time. Not exactly the best of options. But I guess I'll just let it go. I'll just have to work to not take things so personally.

hunger games and thinking too hard

I saw The Hunger Games on Friday night and my initial reaction was hearty applause. I have read and loved the books and was definitely nervous for the movie. I mean, I've seen Harry Potter completely butchered on screen, so I didn't want to get my hopes up for well-done Hunger Games. But I was pleased with the movie. It told the story the way it needed to be told translated on film. I understand why they cut the things they cut and I was able to accept it for the sake of the story and the sake of the movie. For instance, I realize that it would have been difficult to portray Katniss becoming severely dehydrated without some sort of cheesy voice-over narration. I get that. The camera shakiness kind of annoyed me for a while, but that could be because I was sitting closer to the movie screen than I normally like to. The shakiness also added to the frenetic insanity of the story. If that makes sense.
So anyway, I came away from the film feeling really good about how they did it. I saw the movie as a success and I appreciated what it added to my understanding of the story.
However, now that I've read some reviews, I'm not so sure I'm supposed to like it as much as I did. The more I reflect on it, I realize just how much they did cut out and how it could have had a more well-written script. And maybe Katniss shouldn't have been played by a white actress and how Peeta should have been taller and Gale should have been thinner. And maybe they should have given the audience a detailed account of how many tributes were left throughout the Games.
These are all things that I didn't even think about while I was watching the movie (with the possible exception of the last one... I did wonder at one point just how many people were still alive). I was so captivated by what the film did show that I didn't take time to think about what was missing.
And now I feel like a bad fan of the books because I didn't really care that the actors didn't look exactly like their characters. I didn't really care that everything wasn't exactly how Suzanne Collins wrote it in the books. But I do realize that this isn't a fair way of thinking about it. It's perfectly okay that I liked the movie and that I felt it was true to the story I read. It's just that the more I think about it, I can't help but wonder if I liked the movie too much. Which is stupid, I realize.
I liked The Hunger Games. I thought it effectively did what it needed to do. And I'm going to stop apologizing for liking it.

rain

I've always loved rain. This is probably a good thing considering I grew up in the Seattle area where, as the stereotype says, it rains all the time. Seattle rain is different from a lot of other types of rain.
Seattle rain is misty and light and endless. There is this constant soggy freshness to Seattle rain. A greenness hidden beneath a subtle grey that is easily ignored. Life progresses as normal even through the rain. And when the sun does come out (which it eventually does...sometimes) everything rejoices. I have experienced nothing happier, nothing more beautiful than a sunny Seattle day.
Midwest rain is different. This rain falls in big fat drops, demanding attention. It is loud and heavy and dark until it gets its point across. Then, the sun comes out and people can continue about their business, still talking about the rain. Still thinking about the rain.
Seattle rain exists to accentuate the sun. Midwest rain exists to be.
We've been having a lot of rain today in Missouri. It seemed really appropriate to walk out of U.S. History class, where we were talking about the dust bowl, into a rainstorm. Rain was so important to ending the horrible dust storms in the 1930s. It was kind of wonderful to walk out of class and experience a little taste of what the farming families must have felt when the big drops of rain thundered out of the sky.
I always feel so much better when it's raining. I feel like everything is so much cleaner. The rain washes away negativity and brings new, much-needed perspective.

(Note: Just reread this. No, I'm not high right now...)

airplane thoughts

Having been on ten different flights in the past two weeks, I've spent a bit of time contemplating and observing people in airports and on airplanes. Airplane flights are so interesting to me because you basically get a huge group of strangers all in one isolated place. No one can just get up and leave in the middle of the flight. You are basically forced into a community.
People are weird when they are forced to interact with strangers. Some people get really chatty and want to tell their entire life story to whomever will listen. Some people avoid eye contact with others at all costs. It's such an interesting thing because you can essentially be whatever you want to be for an entire flight and no one will know if that's really the real you or not.
Airplane flights are these unique shared experiences. And I think there's something beautiful in that. You get the privilege of spending time with a random sampling of humanity. Sometimes it leaves you feeling empowered and encouraged. Sometimes it makes you embarrassed and depressed. But whatever it does, you have spent some part of your life with these people in a tiny space, 40,000 feet in the air. It's crazy amazing.
I'm not really sure if any of these thoughts are making sense. My mind is sort of all over the place tonight. I'm back at school and I don't want to be. I'm not ready to do all of this school stuff and future stuff. I'm scared and nervous and exhausted. I'm basically on the brink of this huge decision-making process and I'm not entirely sure that I'm going to make the right choice. Even though I know that no decision is inherently wrong. I just have to make the best of whatever direction my life takes. Which sounds like cheesy bs, but I don't think it is.
I can do this. I think. Maybe.
I just have to figure out what "this" is...

uncertainty

I'm reaching this point in my life where I have to make some choices. I mean, life is always full of choices, but at this point the choices I make will probably significantly affect my life. (Side note, I'm having a really hard time typing the word choices.)
It's hard because I'm not 100% positive that I know what I'm doing with my life. I realize that I probably will never be completely sure that I know what I'm doing and I probably just need to pick something and work hard and it will all be fine. Or it won't. In which case I will just make some changes. Anyway, I rarely make decisions without thoroughly contemplating the outcome. I don't go into things unless I am sure (or at least fairly certain) I know the outcome. I hate the unknown, so I avoid it. Unfortunately, I can't really avoid it in this circumstance. And it scares the crap out of me.
So, should I do what makes the most sense financially and practically and will eventually lead to the result I want? Or should I do what sounds more interesting (and makes more sense emotionally) but costs a lot more? I'm in a battle with myself. My logical side is fighting with my emotional side. And I don't know what to do. I really want some magical solution to appear out of the sky. But I've heard that the world doesn't work that way.
It's so strange. I'm absolutely certain that I want to be an adult and I want to act like an adult and be treated like an adult. But I'm also terrified and would like very much to go back and be a child forever. I don't really want that either, though. I guess I don't really know what I want. Again, it's the whole fear of uncertainty.

in which i complain a little (a lot)

I just got back home yesterday after a week in Barcelona, Spain. I spent a lot of time throughout the week thinking about what I was going to get after the trip, how I was going to feel. I was hoping to have some profound thoughts that I could share on the internet in some creative way. I hoped to figure things out and have some sort of life-changing experience. Needless to say, it's not that simple and concrete. Honestly, I feel so many different overwhelming feelings that may or may not have to do with spending a week in Spain.
First of all, I am so incredibly fortunate to have the opportunity to visit Barcelona. I'm even more fortunate that I didn't really have to pay for it. It was all part of my Cottey tuition. I probably wouldn't have ever gone to Spain if it wasn't for this Cottey trip. I honestly had very little interest in Spain. I don't know Spanish. I've spent the last six years learning French and learning about France. But I went to Spain. I'll probably make time to go to France someday in the future. I would never have planned to go to Spain. And I really am lucky to have gone because now I know what's there and what it's like. It truly is beautiful and lovely.
This whole trip felt a little bittersweet though. In some sort of sinister way, it kind of felt like a bribe. It was like Cottey was saying, "Forget how annoyed you are with the college, we'll take you to Europe." I have had so many disappointments with Cottey that it's been difficult for me to be grateful throughout this whole experience. And some of my closest friends I made at Cottey did not get to go to Barcelona with me because they left before their second year. If I was smart, I probably would have left, too. The whole week, I kept feeling more and more upset about the whole Cottey experience, but I felt like I was being a selfish baby for complaining about it. I got a free trip to Europe, but I also feel cheated out of my first two years of college.
I feel so conflicted about how I'm supposed to feel. On the one hand, I'm angry. I'm angry that Cottey was not actually how it was portrayed to me. I'm upset that I didn't get what I was promised. I also feel like I'm not allowed to complain. On the other hand, I've met some of the best people ever. I don't regret that. If I didn't get amazing friends out of this whole Cottey experience, I would feel completely awful about the entire experience. But I do have to realize that if I hadn't gone to Cottey, I would never have met my closest friends. And I can't overlook that.
But basically, I'm tired of being treated like a child. I'm 20 years old. I know how to take care of myself. I know how to study. I would like to be shown respect from my peers and my teachers. I would like to be treated like an adult. I would like the adults around me to actually act like adults. It's unfortunate that I won't have those things until I leave Cottey.
But Cottey did give me friends. And it gave me a week in Spain. I guess for everything else, I'm on my own. Maybe one day I won't feel this bitter. But right now, while I'm trying to figure out what I'm doing with my life and I'm realizing that Cottey wasn't very helpful with that, I'm going to be upset. But it will get better. I will be happier. And maybe one day I'll look back and laugh at how pathetic and silly all of this was.

truths

I've been thinking a lot lately about what on earth I'm doing with my life. I kind of tend to do this a lot normally, but since I'm turning 20 this week, I've been thinking about it even more. I'm like actually going to be an adult. I'm going to be in my 20s. That's crazy.
Anyway, I was inspired by this article from Hello Giggles, and Kayla, who showed it to me, to write my own truths. What it is that makes me who I am. I haven't actually thought this through at all, so we'll just see what happens.

1. Family is very important to me. My family has influenced me kind of a lot. They are my favorite people. I realize that I am super lucky to have such intelligent, supportive parents. I know not everyone has this. But really, I believe that they would support me in anything as long as I am happy and healthy. And then there's the sister, who loves me more than anything. And the brother, who has taught me more about myself than probably anyone else in my life. I love my family and what happens with my family deeply affects me. I hope to also have a husband and children of my own someday. I just love family because it's messy and disfunctional, but also really beautiful at the same time.

2. I listen. Seriously, I'm basically always listening. If there are people having a conversation in the next room, I'm listening. If my best friend has a crisis and needs to talk through it, I'm listening. If there's music playing, I'm listening. If there's a clock ticking, I'm listening (and going slightly insane haha). I have learned a lot about people from what I've heard. Not only do I listen, but I also remember. I think because I listen so much, when I finally do have something to say I get really frustrated when people don't listen to me. And I can tell when someone isn't really listening to me. Sometimes I forget that not everyone listens as much as I do. But seriously, you should try listening more. It's amazing what you'll hear.

3. I am a follower of Jesus Christ. I know that everyone gets all tense the moment someone brings up religion Christianity on the internet. I know. I see it all the time. And I know there are reasons for it. I get really annoyed when people use the bible as an excuse to judge other people, which is not what it's all about for me. I believe in loving God and loving people, which is what I think Christianity is all about. My faith is not always 100% absolute. I've had my days of doubts. But really, when it all comes down to it, I believe that God has been there for me and continues to guide my life. I am also pretty open about talking about religion, but I don't usually bring it up first, because I know it has all kinds of negative connotations with a lot of people. I don't hide my beliefs, but I also don't jump down people's throats when they say they don't believe in God.

4. I don't know where I'd be without music. I've always loved music and felt it really personally. My mom signed me up for dance classes when I was 3 because I would always dance around the house to whatever music played. Gradually my interest in dance shifted to piano, and I've been taking piano lessons for the past twelve years. There is something so amazing about getting lost in a piano piece. And when you get to the point where you can just close your eyes and feel the music your fingers are making. It's such catharsis. Maybe this sounds cheesy, but it's true. I also listen to a lot of music. Personally, I like simple music. Just vocals and acoustic guitar or solo piano. I think some of the most gorgeous music is music that is raw and real, not overly produced. Listening to music has gotten me through many difficult days. I know this all sounds cliche, but it's just so true.

5. Sometimes I think my life is just one giant cliche, but this is probably from reading too much YA literature in middle school. I certainly don't regret that, though. YA novels are my favorite. And they truly did keep me from falling apart when a lot of other things in life were. Basically, I hope to one day meet/thank Judy Blume, Sarah Dessen, Meg Cabot, Sharon Creech, Beverly Cleary, Ann Brashares, Deb Caletti, Joan Bauer, Carl Hiaasen, Laurie Halse Anderson, E. L. Konigsburg, Jerry Spinelli, Lois Lowry and countless others who changed my adolescence.

6. I need to be needed. I take care of others. I can't help it. That is who I am. And I love it. I am glad when I can help others. When I feel like I am in a place where people don't need me, I feel awkward. It's almost as if there is no reason for me to be there.

7. I don't want to be famous. It seems like everyone wants to be well-known. I don't. I like working in the background. I like making a difference, and while getting credit is sometimes nice, it's not always necessary. It's okay when what I do goes unnoticed. I don't need everyone to know who I am, just family and friends. Sure, I like it when people like what I write on the internet, but I'm mostly writing for me, and if other people like it, great! But it's not mandatory in my life. I would rather not live in the spotlight.

8. I have a really hard time letting things go. When something bothers me, or there's some kind of injustice, I fixate on it. All the time. I cannot let it go. There are things that happened to me years ago that I still think about a lot. I think of all the ways that things could have gone better. If I don't get closure, I will basically think about it forever. I will remember it forever. This is probably the thing I like least about myself.

9. I don't need to know why. Most of the time, when I ask a question, I just want to know what the answer is. I'm not looking for a big long explanation, I just want the answer. If it doesn't make sense, then I'll maybe look for a basic explanation, but usually I just want an answer. So constantly debating hypothetical things that don't have an answer doesn't appeal to me. I'm usually satisfied with a simple answer or no answer at all rather than a huge hypothetical explanation.

10. I work hard and I get frustrated when others don't. This is pretty much self-explanatory. I get my work done and do what's expected of me. If you don't, then I'm usually inclined to think you're lazy and I don't have a lot of patience for that.

11. I have body issues. And this is possibly the first time I've admitted this publicly. It's really hard for me to talk about. I have a hard time loving what I look like when everywhere I go popular culture tells me I'm a failure for weighing what I do. I have struggled with this for years. I'm getting better, but I will probably struggle with this for the rest of my life.

12. I am kind of extremely emotional. I cry a lot. I cry at movies, I cry when I read, I cry when people tell me sad stories. I cry when I am sad or angry or happy. I cried when I wrote this blog post. I am rather sensitive.

13. I love taking surveys/questionnaires. This is probably why I've taken a Meyers-Briggs personality test dozens of times (I'm an ISFJ just in case you were wondering, and this is super accurate). I love filling in bubbles on multiple choice tests. I love learning more about myself and others from surveys and tests. I think it's super interesting.

14. I love lists and analyzing data. Both of my parents were actuaries. I'm certain this has something to do with why my siblings and I love making spreadsheets and lists for fun. It's a children of actuaries problem. I will one day start a support group.

15. I don't like taking risks. I would much rather live in my own safe little world than jump out of an airplane. But I do surprise myself sometimes. For instance, I did go to college 2000 miles away from home. And it turned out so great I should probably just take risks all the time (this is extreme sarcasm). I get scared of change. But I am also getting better at this.

16. I don't actually know what I'm doing even though I pretend I do. I love it when people think I have it all figured out. I don't really have anything figured out. But I like pretending that I do. Sometimes that's all you can do.

So that's me, as of this moment. But I'm still growing and constantly changing (even though I say I don't like it). If you read this and felt inspired, feel free to write your own truths. It's kinda fun. And a little bit of a challenge.

in which i get way too involved in a tv show

Basically I'm obsessed with the show Parenthood. I usually love things with giant extended families in it (7th Heaven, Dan in Real Life just to name a few). I don't know what it is about this show, but it's amazing. Seriously.
Anyway, I just watched last night's episode and it was like the best ever. And I'm feeling all the feelings so I thought I should blog about it. There was nothing about this episode that I didn't like. So, let's talk about some of the things (SPOILERS sorry):

1. That whole Crosby and Zeek storyline. Beautiful. I feel like they've done a wonderful job with Crosby's character. I don't really like him and he's sort of annoying, but I think deep down he means well and I think that comes across a lot in this episode. I know what it's like to be afraid when you realize that your parents aren't immortal. It's actually something I've been dealing with lately. And while I'm not as old as Crosby and my parents are not as old as Zeek and Camille, I know that day is coming. Sooner than I would like. It's scary. You want your parents to be there always because they always have been. But they aren't going to be. This whole storyline. Goodness. It just really got to me.
2. Max. Goodness gracious Max. I have a brother who has some similar characteristics to Max and it's just weird to see it all play out on TV. My brother and Max are not the same by any means, but there are so many moments when they break my heart. And, can someone please answer this question: Why are there still PE teachers that have kids pick their own teams? It's possibly the worst form of humiliation to be rejected by your peers so blatantly obviously. It seems like we're so worried about kids' self-esteem that we do all kinds of other things to protect them, why not stop this whole popularity team picking whatever nonsense? Seriously.
3. Drew is so lovely. I absolutely sympathize with him. He's not even an adult yet and his mom is already moving on, or at least that's how he feels. And it's heartbreaking to see. Because he's right. None of this is fair to him.
4. I might be the only person in Parenthood fandom that isn't super excited for Sarah and Mark to have a baby. Can they like get married first please? Or is this something we don't do anymore? I would be okay with them thinking about getting married, but come on, their relationship isn't ready for a child. Does Sarah even make money? She lives with her parents. I think she has enough issues to deal with in her already existing family without bringing a baby into it. I just don't understand why they talk so much about having a baby, but they haven't mentioned getting married. I have a problem with this.
5. Amber and Bob. I'm not okay with Amber and Bob's relationship. It's unprofessional. I've read a lot of comments about how she's 19! and they're both adults! and it's all legal and it's all their business! But I don't think that makes it right. She works for him. Maybe after the campaign. Maybe. And also, just because she's legally an adult doesn't mean that she's necessarily the best at making decisions.
6. Once again, I feel like I'm the only person that totally agrees with/identifies with Kristina. I love Kristina. She got Amber that job and then Amber is in this inappropriate relationship with her boss. Ew. And I don't blame Haddie for being concerned. Goodness, Kristina and Haddie are my favorites.
7. Julia annoys me, but I understand her. I'm kind of tired of this whole baby adoption storyline honestly. I feel like it's been dragged out for too long and nothing is really resolved.
8. Joel is the perfect man. Still.

Okay, I think that's it. This show just does something to me.

trying to let go

I have really been fixating on stuff that really doesn't matter. Basically, there was a lot of stupid drama five months ago. And some things got resolved, but I don't feel like I got any closure. There are some things that I wish I would have said. But now it's too late. I've learned some new things lately about what was going on and it's just hard for me to stop thinking about it. (I'm being super vague for reasons. Also, because the details don't really matter.)
I know that it's not healthy for me to fixate on all of this. It doesn't matter. And in just a few short months it certainly won't matter at all. I just feel like I'm being treated as if it is wrong for me to be friends with the people I'm friends with. And that I'm being blamed for things I didn't actually say or do. But because I care so much about the feelings of others, I've felt so guilty for these past five months. I've felt like the bad guy. And I'm really not. It's making me really angry that after all this time, I'm still being treated as the bad guy, even though I apologized months ago for the minuscule things that I did. But I never got an apology for how I was treated. And I'm never going to get an apology. So why am I still thinking about this? Nothing good is coming from it. It's just stressing me out. I just hate that I'm letting her have this much power over me.
I am trying, really trying, to let it all go. It doesn't matter. I have friends, I am fine. One time I heard someone say that saying "I'll try" is basically the same as saying no. I don't remember where I heard this but for whatever reason it's really stuck with me. I feel like earlier (four months ago) when I said that I was trying to let it go, it really was a no. But now I'm turning it into a yes. I'm done trying. I'm letting go. I hope.

disneyland

Honestly, I don't really even like Disneyland in and of itself. I hate crowds, I hate heat, I hate waiting in line. And that's basically Disneyland in the summer (which is basically the only time I ever get to go there). But, at around this time every year, I get this super strong urge to go to Disneyland and spend like the rest of my life there. I convince myself that I need it. And maybe I do need it.
Why do I long for Disneyland even though I don't really like it? It's complicated. And not so complicated. I don't know if I can even adequately explain it in a blog post. But I'm going to try because I've been thinking about it a lot lately.
I grew up visiting my grandparents at least once a year and they live about an hour away from Disneyland. Practically from the first time my parents took my sister and me to Disneyland we were addicted. It was just so exciting and so magical. We would get up early early and ride in the car (for a looong time. An hour is a long time when you're 7). We would eat little baggies of cereal and drink juice and plan our whole day. And the anticipation would build and build and build. Honestly, I don't remember too many specific things about going to Disneyland when I was young. But I do remember those feelings. Those feelings of happiness and excitement and just how much my parents love and care about me. I didn't have to worry about anything. Just stand in line and have fun. Hearing the music of Main Street just felt like a wonderful new home. Now, as an adult (whoa that was weird writing that), I still want to feel happy and excited and loved and carefree. Disneyland provides all those wonderful feelings.
It has always felt like Disneyland was made for my sister and me. It was our special place. I have so many memories of just the two of us on rides. And all of the crazy things we would come up with to amuse ourselves while waiting in line. After listening to a family speaking in Spanish, we decided to make up our own language so everyone would think we were cool and foreign. But we couldn't actually understand each other, so that stopped haha. Then we would listen in to other people's conversations and add commentary to each other. And our dad would read jokes from Reader's Digest to us (he got a lot of Reader's Digest reading in those lines). And then there was the one time where we made up names for all of the people on The Haunted Mansion (I don't know if my sister knows that I participated in that wholeheartedly because I was really terrified and naming the people made it all seem less scary).
These little things seem so silly and unimportant now. But at the same time, they are my childhood. The smell of Pirates of the Caribbean. The Spanish at the end of Small World. The Grand Canyon. "This is the wildest ride in the wilderness!" Flying on Dumbo at night. My faces on Splash Mountain. Watching the fireworks from the line of Big Thunder. Wondering why some of the princes are nameless. Agreeing that the scariest ride is Snow White. Flying over London on Peter Pan. Being Australian on Tom Sawyer's Island. Epic running through New Orleans Square. Waiting a gazillion years for the Go-Coaster, the shortest ride in existence. Waiting a gazillion years for that ride that I don't even remember the name of that always broke down. Eating hamburgers with Pinocchio. Just thinking about all of these things makes me feel so wonderfully nostalgic and happy.
And the happiest part for me is seeing my sister just so ridiculously happy the whole time. Even when I'm too hot to do anything. And I'm crabby from all of the people standing too close to me. She's happy the whole time. Every second. It really is my sister's special happy place. And part of her happiness depends on me being there, too. To remind her of our childhood together. And I'm happy to be there for her.
As we've gotten older, we've created new memories at Disneyland while reliving the old ones. And these memories include the whole family. Like the giant laugh attack while waiting for Dumbo.
Disneyland means family. Disneyland means childhood. Disneyland is magic.
So here it is, that time of year when I just really want to go. But I don't have time (or money) to go this summer. And I would like to go when it's not so hot or crowded (so not in the summer). It's going to be hard not going this year. But we will go again soon. Because it's that important to us.
Hopefully one day, we'll bring our own children and husbands along with us. And it will be wonderful.

weight loss and self-acceptance

I'm sitting here overhearing a conversation between a group of women at my school. And they're all talking about their weight. Why is it that we (especially young women) always have conversations about weight? It's just a number. Why do we make it so much more than that?
I've never been skinny. I will never be skinny. And it's a fight every day for me to accept my body for what it is. And it makes it harder when skinny, beautiful women call themselves fat. Because if they're fat, what am I?
Some days, I look in the mirror and I feel beautiful. Some days I don't. But it's something I don't talk about much. I've always been uncomfortable talking about my weight and my clothing sizes. I am who I am, those numbers don't define me.
I'm just sick of this obsession with weight loss. It seems to be particularly prevalent this year. It's like I can't go anywhere without seeing something about dieting and how you have to be thin to be happy. There's a huge bulletin board outside of the dining hall at my school that has "motivational" pictures and quotes that are supposed to help people be encouraged to lose weight or whatever. And it makes me feel like a failure every time I walk by (usually after meals) because I eat. And I'm not always thinking about how to lose weight. Because there are other more important things.
Why can't we focus on being healthy? Get exercise because it feels good and it's good for your heart. But not to lose weight. Because I know plenty of skinny people who are not happy. And plenty of not so skinny people who are fabulously happy. Weight does not define happiness. Weight should not define happiness. Can we move on now?
I thought that I had moved on to self-acceptance. But this past month has been extremely hard for me to love myself when everything around me is telling me that I'm worthless until I lose weight.

january reflections

I can't believe that it's the end of January already. This month has been surreal. I feel like I didn't really even exist this whole month. I didn't feel like a person. I didn't feel like me. I was just going through the motions and trying not to think too much. Because when I did start to think too much I would start crying. This has certainly not been the easiest month for me. Obviously.
But I know that I'm still here. I'm still alive and so is my family. I still have friends and I know that people care about me. And that God has plans for my life. I have no idea what they are, but I know that he does.
I guess, for the moment, I'm excited for my future. I'm excited to get out of this school and move on. I know it won't all be easy. I mean, if January 2012 has taught me anything it's that life is not easy. We make plans and then those plans change. Hopefully they change for the better. I'm trying not to freak out too much. Which is slightly laughable since I freak out about everything. But I've been fine so far. So what's to worry about?

I'm not actually this calm. But I'm going to fake it until I make it.