haven't blogged in a while

Hi.
When I'm afraid of facing reality, I try to hide. I don't write to get me through it because I'm afraid of admitting to myself scary truths. But I don't want to study biology anymore (even though I have a test tomorrow) so I figured I'd attempt to make some sense out of my feelings and thoughts and post it on the internet for everyone (or no one) to see. Because that seems logical.
At the moment, this is currently my least favorite summer. I'm in school three days a week. I have no "real" job and therefore no money. My room is still a mess from moving back home in May. My family is full of issues. I'm taking care of my aging parents when I don't feel like they should be old yet. I'm freaking out about the future and how to live as an adult. And I feel so trapped. I feel alone. I feel separated from my friends, both in a physical, distance-y sense, and in an emotional, you don't understand and I don't feel like letting you sense.
I don't think that makes sense.
I actually know that doesn't make any sense. I'm basically self-sabotaging because I'm afraid to let people in. I'm afraid to make mistakes. I'm really afraid to live. I'm dying to get out and start my own life. But what if I fail?
I second-guess myself about everything. I just want to know, without any doubt, that I'm going to make the best choices for me. But I'm never sure.
I'm not handling things very well. I'm procrastinating about many things (including my bio homework by writing this blog) which is only stressing me out more. I'm shutting down instead of opening up. I'm ignoring people I love. I'm failing at relationships, with others and with myself. I'm not sleeping very well. Every day is a struggle. And now I sound super emo and depressed. I promise that I'm not. I'm still doing okay. Or at least okay enough.
I didn't know that I would feel like this after Cottey. I didn't know how alone I would feel. I didn't know how much I would want to retreat instead of face things. Which is silly because I've always been like that. Why should now be any different?
I'm running out of things to say. Or at least things I want to say right now. And I should really get back to work. Maybe I'll write more later. Or maybe I won't need to.
Maybe I will continue to be surprised at just how much one person can take. Maybe I'll snap out of this and love life. Maybe. Eventually.