faith

I babysit a couple of 2-year-olds on Tuesday mornings. Usually it's chaotic and happy and lovely because everything is new to them. And they are excited about everything. Everything warrants a celebration because they have figured out what it is and how to say it and how to appreciate it. Most of the time, it's the highlight of may week.
But today things were a little more stressful than usual. They were discovering things that were potentially dangerous and all of a sudden they were both in tears and I wasn't exactly sure why. I think one fell down and one just felt like crying or something. It all happened at once. So I picked up the little girl and asked her what was wrong. When she finally calmed down enough to tell me that she hurt her tummy. I asked if I should rub her tummy and she said yes. So I did and then asked her if it felt better. No.
"What should we do to make it better?" I asked. She stopped crying and looked at me and said, "Maybe we should pray about it."
And it was just the most moving thing. Obviously that's the best thing to do. And this little girl knew that praying would help. So we sat right there on the couch and, me holding back tears, we prayed for her tummy. After we prayed, the rest of the morning went just fine. Everyone was happy again. Everything went smoothly.
I was having a frustrating morning, but thanks to the faith of this toddler, I was reminded of the power of Jesus. And, of course, none of this is up to me. It's all up to him.

love languages

It's Valentine's Day and I'm writing a blog post about love. Predictable.
But anyway, I spend a lot of time analyzing my personality and recently I've been interested in the 5 Love Languages. The 5 Love Languages are how people give and receive love. They are: Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts, Quality Time, and Physical Touch. (If you're curious, you can take a quiz at www.5lovelanguages.com)
Anyway, I took this quiz the other day and my top love language is Words of Affirmation, closely followed by Quality Time. I was a little surprised by this at first (I thought #1 would be Acts of Service, but we'll get to that), but the more I think about it, the more it makes sense. I need people to tell me that they love me. Even if they help me out and give me gifts and hug me, I need people to tell me how they feel about me or there's this little voice of doubt in my head. If they haven't said that they value me, I start to wonder if I mean anything to them at all. And I know this is probably a little bit irrational on my part, but that's how I feel loved.
The Quality Time one didn't surprise me. When I love someone, I want to spend as much time as possible with that person. This may seem rather counter-intuitive for an introvert, but it's really not. I love (and need) to spend one-on-one time with people that I love. I feel so close to people when we have spent hours just being together and talking, enjoying each other's company.
I was surprised that Acts of Service wasn't my top love language. It wasn't even in the top three. I was surprised because I am a very service-oriented person and the way I show others that I love them is by offering to help them. But this doesn't work in reverse for me. I feel like a burden when others help me. I don't feel loved; I feel like a charity case. I mean, it's great when people can help when I ask for a favor, but I often feel uncomfortable when people offer to do things for me. This is something I should probably work on, but right now, it's not how I feel loved.
I just thought this was all interesting. And if you want to make sure that I know that you love me, tell me. Because it means a lot to me to hear that people love and appreciate me.
And now I feel like a jerk for writing a blog post telling people to tell me that they love me. Which wasn't my intent, but here we are.

pretending

It still always surprises me that I'm an adult person. I feel like I'm just going about my normal activities and just being me, but then I catch myself doing grown-up type things and it feels so weird. It feels fake, like it's not really me.
Maybe I'm not explaining this well. But it's like when I go to the bank or the post office. In my brain, those feel like "grown-up" activities. Children don't tend to go to the post office by themselves, and even fewer venture into a bank without an adult. I know that I never did. They always seemed like secret activities reserved for the select few who made it through childhood. And suddenly, I am one of those people.
Many of those "grown-up" activities still feel so foreign to me. When I cook an actual dinner, for example, instead of eating soup from a can. When I use a credit card. Even when I drive places or have "errands" to do. It feels like I'm playing house. Because I can't possibly be old enough to actually need to do these things.
But I guess I'm just going to keep pretending until it feels natural. Because I'm sure it eventually will feel normal and I will feel like a person and not just a being in transition.

self image 2013

I just spent the last while watching youtube videos of people talking about how they see themselves now, at the beginning of 2013. And I was inspired.

• I know what I want even though I say that I don't know what I want because I'm too afraid to actually try to get what I want. Because what if I don't get it? What if I fail? What if I'm wrong?
• I'm scared.
• This is starting out as one of the strangest years because for the first time in my life I'm not in school. Which also adds to the anxiety of everything.
• I want full-time employment because I need job experience and of course money, but I don't want full-time employment because it means that I'm a grown-up and I'm not sure that I'm ready to be. I don't think that sounds particularly fun.
• But at the same time it sounds like the most fun ever.
• Also, I really want to be able to move out of my parent's house.
• I want to sit and read all the time. I haven't felt this urge to read this bad since like 7th grade. So I'm hoping that I have the self-discipline to turn off the internet and read more. Like actual books. I'm excited about this because books have consistently been good to me.
• I want to be in better physical shape. I've spent the last 8 years hating myself and my body mostly because I didn't like how I felt (and also how I looked, let's be honest here). I want to feel healthy because I'm young and I have a lot of life left. So I'm working on exercising and eating healthier. It's hard but it will be worth it.
• I'm working on being kind to myself. I tend to overly criticize myself and that really doesn't get me anywhere. I am going to pat myself on the back more and congratulate myself for trying. I am a flawed human being (a redundant sentence since all humans are flawed but whatever) and I am going to try not to be so hard on myself for my short-comings.
• I am desperately trying to hang on to music even though it doesn't really fit in to my future career plans. But it makes me feel complete (ew cliche) so I'm clinging on for dear life, hoping that I can fit it in somehow.
• I whine too much and I'm trying to get in the habit of being grateful for every good thing. Because everything is a gift from God and he deserves my thanks.
• I think I'm starting to like surprises.
• This list is full of things I'm going to do, which is frustrating to me because I want to spend my life doing things and not just waiting to do them. 

thankful

Today was the first Thanksgiving I've been with my family in two years. Fortunately, those two years were spent with the best friends ever so it wasn't too hard being away from my family, but it was very nice to be back home, especially after the year I've had. My family hosted Thanksgiving this year for a total of 17 people which was a little crazy, but also wonderful. The guests were all close friends of the family and their friends/family. Due to certain craziness in my extended family (isn't there always some craziness in extended families?) we don't celebrate Thanksgiving with any of them. So it is nice that we have a kind of adopted Thanksgiving family.
Anyway, tonight we went going around the giant table saying what we are thankful for. For some reason, I ended up being the last person and I was pretty emotional after hearing what everyone else was thankful for and thinking about all the great things that have happened this year. Since I was crying I didn't really get to share fully. So I thought I would take the time to really think about it and blog about it. Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday because I think it is important to pause and thank God for getting us to where we are.
Here is my list of thanks for the year:

• My Cottey friends who have become like family. I'm so thankful for how they have loved and supported me, especially the ones who were around when my dad was in the hospital and there was all kinds of crazy going on back home with my family.
• Having the greatest roommate experience.
• My dad survived brain surgery 
• Being able to go to Barcelona with some of my best friends. It was the best getaway at the best time and I am so fortunate to have had that opportunity.
• Finishing Cottey. With the way things ended I am so thankful to be done with that place.
• Staying with friends on the drive home from Cottey.
• That day in Yellowstone with my dad where everything was so fresh and bright and everything seemed like it would be okay in the midst of a lot of not okay.
• Spending a lot of time with my dad, even though it wasn't always fun. That roadtrip home was some of the best memories I've ever had with my dad. And after getting home, I've spent more time with my dad than I ever had growing up. I'm so happy he's still alive, even when things are frustrating and hard and overwhelming. Things are okay.
• Going to California with my mom and brother and sister to visit my grandparents. I'm so grateful for all the time I get to spend with them because time is so uncertain.
• Golfing with my grandpa
• Disneyland with my siblings and treating my mom to lunch at the Blue Bayou
• Roadtrip home with my sister and lots of bonding over Lost and Dance Academy
• Starting school and actually feeling like I'm making progress toward my future and getting this far through the class. It certainly hasn't been easy, but I'm still going. And I'm determined to make it through
• Getting my jobs taking care of babies and toddlers has given me so much joy over the past three months and I am grateful for the woman who got me that job
• Being around for my mom and being able to help her out at school when she is overwhelmed
• Making it through this year and starting to figure things out

So, when I look at it like this, things look pretty great. This year has been one of the hardest of my life, but God is so good.

Don't worry about anything; instead pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus. 
-Philippians 4:6-7

facebook

Sometimes I really hate facebook. I don't want to stay connected with all of these people that I used to know. But I feel like I'm obligated to. I feel like it's some strange form of cruelty to delete people. It just sounds so cold. Deleting people sounds like they no longer exist. That you want to obliterate them.

I've had no problems deleting people in the past. People who I was never close to. Those people I had a class with in ninth grade. People I added to my friends list because it was weird not to. So I said yes to the friend request and then later had no problems removing them and cutting off that contact. We were never really ever in contact, so it's not like it made a big difference.

But what about with the people I used to be friends with? Those people I shared my secrets with. Those people I cried to when life sucked and laughed with when life was fantastic. What about them? If it wasn't for facebook, these relationships would be over. We probably would never talk to each other again. We wouldn't know about each other's future experiences. We would probably think of each other from time to time, but maybe not. 

Is it wrong to click that unfriend button? Does that say "I'm giving up on us"? And, if it does, is that wrong? 

There are quite a few people on my friends list who I would like to remove. It's probably doing me more harm than good to know what they've been up to over the years. And yet, in some convoluted way, I still want to remain connected to them. I can't seem to bring myself to unfriend them because that truly means that those times in my life are over. We aren't friends anymore. And it's kind of sad to move on. But we really aren't friends anymore. So why am I so hesitant?

I wish that old friendships could just fade away without that constant reminder that this was a person you used to talk to and she's doing great things without you. I wish you could gradually grow apart from people. But with all of these online connections (not just facebook), friendships have changed so much. But that's a topic for another day.

I guess right now, I just can't decide if I should cut some people from my friends list. Those people that really aren't friends and haven't been for a long time. Unfriending them feels harsh and concrete and mean. But I think keeping a blaring reminder of them isn't exactly healthy either. I think it's time for me to move on. And if that's mean, oh well. It's my facebook. I can do what I want.

Or can I? Did I acquire some social responsibility that I can never shake the moment I signed up for facebook over five years ago? Am I obligated to keep my friends list growing? I think not. I hope not.

I'm thinking about this too much. I probably won't ever delete my facebook entirely because I use it for easy and consistent communication with friends all over the place. But this is the closest I've ever come to want to walk away from the whole thing. I want to say goodbye to quite a few people but I feel like I can't. And I don't know what to do.

a crisis of faith

It's one of those middle of the night times where I am overwhelmed by fear. I am so afraid that I'm not living up to my potential, whatever that means. I'm afraid that I will never really make a difference. I'm afraid of changing my mind and letting people down. Basically, I'm afraid of failure.
I've heard from many people that your 20s are supposed to be the best time in your life. But I'm afraid that I'm going to spend the entire decade too stressed out to enjoy anything. Everything is so expensive. Life is so uncertain. And I feel like every decision I make now will have a huge impact on the rest of my life. I'm not sure that I can handle that responsibility.
I'm afraid that I'll never fall in love and never have a family of my own, which is what I really want. I'm worried that I'll lose all of my friends and never make new ones because everybody secretly hates me. I know this is irrational, but I think about it a lot.
I have made so many plans in my head that may never come to fruition. I may never be able to realize any of my dreams because what if my dreams aren't really what I want? Or what if they are? That second thought terrifies me more. And it also means that I have a lot of work to do.
What if I never move out of my parents' house? What if I can't afford to finish college? What if I never get a "real job"? What if I'm just a failure for the rest of my life?
And what if my parents' health fails (more than it has already)? How will I handle this? Who will take care of them? I will. I will be left to do it. But what if I don't have the money to take care of them?
And, more immediately, my car keeps breaking down and I can't afford a new one. I kind of need reliable transportation. And breaking down once on the side of the road is enough to make me terrified that it's going to happen again in a much more dangerous place. I realize cars are just things and money is just things, but they are kind of important things.
Basically, I'm most afraid of being an unlovable failure. I don't know how to eliminate this fear other than just keep moving through life and hoping and praying for the best. But sometimes that's not enough to calm my fears. And I know this is kind of a crisis of faith because when has God ever let me down? But since I am so disgustingly human, I suck at trusting.