I feel really sad and hurt and angry and all kinds of things right now for a variety of reasons and I feel like I need to write something. But I have no idea what I'm going to write or if I should even post it on the internet. I probably shouldn't. But I'll make that decision when I'm done writing.
Anyway, today I had to get HIV/AIDS training. It's required for health care professionals (and it's super weird to me that I will one day soon be a health care professional). Anyway, this training consisted of spending seven hours talking about HIV/AIDS and watching two different movies. I don't know that I learned anything new. Say what you will about public school health classes, but my high school and middle school did a pretty good job teaching this stuff. I consider myself to be pretty well-informed on the subject. But I am fortunate enough that it's not something I think about on a daily basis. I don't have to think about it. I know that I'm taking sufficient precautions to prevent getting HIV myself and I don't really know anyone that has it. So it's sort of in the back of my mind and I think about it when we talk about it in church or school and then I feel kinda bad and donate a little money and then move on with my life. I get that I'm super lucky that I can do that.
But today, I am overcome with sadness. It sucks that there are millions of people worldwide living with this terrible thing. It sucks that it just keeps spreading and that people are still ignorant about it. And I just want to make it stop. I just want to help all of the people who are sick and who are dying. But I can't. There's only one of me and I don't have the resources to help. So all I can really do right now is pray.
One thing that I've become really aware of over this past week as I've started my CNA training is that there are some things that are outside my comfort zone. I'm scared of strangers in general. I'm an introvert. Talking to new people is hard. But I realize that this is something I have to get over in order to love and care for all people.
I don't know how much I've talked about this, but I'm positive that God is calling me to be a nurse. I'm certain that this is what I'm meant to do. I'm meant to show God's love to everyone. I'm meant to take care of people. And this is something I have to do, even though I might be insecure about it. Even though I'm sort of terrified. How can little introverted me talk to strangers all day long? But if God used Moses (another introvert) he can certainly use me.
So I got home from school and talking about AIDS and having all of these thoughts and I went on tumblr. I was just scrolling through my dashboard like usual and came across several posts about how Christians hate everyone and don't want God to bless anyone other than themselves and generally just how Christians suck and all of that. And it's really nothing I've never heard before. I agree that some Christians are not very good at showing God's love. I get it. I'm so sorry that some Christians say and do things contrary to Christ's love. I know why we have this awful reputation.
But it hurts my feelings that people think that I hate everyone. Because I don't hate anyone. And I don't believe God does either.
Sorry if this sounds like some poor Christian crying about being discriminated against. I'm not trying to whine. But my heart is so full right now and I'm just overwhelmed with how much I care about people. I'm overwhelmed with how much God has made me care. I don't hate you. I never will. And God never will either.
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