grief

Grief hits at odd times. I know that everything is connected and we live to make connections. It's how we understand our world. But sometimes my brain makes connections that I'm not quite expecting and then BAM. Grief.
Last time I blogged I wrote about the girl who went to my school last year who died in a car accident. So then I started thinking about things ending and life and death and all kinds of things. And then yesterday, I'm sitting in the quiet study room quietly studying all of the impacts of the Cold War on America from 1945-1991, and suddenly I start thinking about my aunt. My aunt who died of breast cancer in 2002.
I do tend to think about her from time to time, but it's not really grief anymore. At least, not until yesterday. Usually I just think of memories. I remember little silly (or not so silly) things that have to do with her. But yesterday, I just sat and thought, "I want to go to her house and see her right now." And the fact that I can't made me want to cry. I don't know why I all of a sudden want to see her. But I just really do.
Since this happened yesterday, I've been thinking about her a lot (I mean, in between studying for finals). I wonder if she's proud of me. I mean, obviously she's proud of me. She would be proud of whatever I decided to do with my life. That's just the sort of aunt she was. I wonder how I would look at the world if she was still alive. How would I be different? I wonder what she would say to me today. I just really want a hug from her.
I don't know why I feel this way now. I haven't felt like this about her in at least five years, probably longer. It's not close to any significant holiday involving her. It's not her birthday or her death day or any holiday. So why do I miss her so much this week? I don't know. I will probably never know.
Grief is weird. Loss is crazy. Life is hard.