I just got back home yesterday after a week in Barcelona, Spain. I spent a lot of time throughout the week thinking about what I was going to get after the trip, how I was going to feel. I was hoping to have some profound thoughts that I could share on the internet in some creative way. I hoped to figure things out and have some sort of life-changing experience. Needless to say, it's not that simple and concrete. Honestly, I feel so many different overwhelming feelings that may or may not have to do with spending a week in Spain.
First of all, I am so incredibly fortunate to have the opportunity to visit Barcelona. I'm even more fortunate that I didn't really have to pay for it. It was all part of my Cottey tuition. I probably wouldn't have ever gone to Spain if it wasn't for this Cottey trip. I honestly had very little interest in Spain. I don't know Spanish. I've spent the last six years learning French and learning about France. But I went to Spain. I'll probably make time to go to France someday in the future. I would never have planned to go to Spain. And I really am lucky to have gone because now I know what's there and what it's like. It truly is beautiful and lovely.
This whole trip felt a little bittersweet though. In some sort of sinister way, it kind of felt like a bribe. It was like Cottey was saying, "Forget how annoyed you are with the college, we'll take you to Europe." I have had so many disappointments with Cottey that it's been difficult for me to be grateful throughout this whole experience. And some of my closest friends I made at Cottey did not get to go to Barcelona with me because they left before their second year. If I was smart, I probably would have left, too. The whole week, I kept feeling more and more upset about the whole Cottey experience, but I felt like I was being a selfish baby for complaining about it. I got a free trip to Europe, but I also feel cheated out of my first two years of college.
I feel so conflicted about how I'm supposed to feel. On the one hand, I'm angry. I'm angry that Cottey was not actually how it was portrayed to me. I'm upset that I didn't get what I was promised. I also feel like I'm not allowed to complain. On the other hand, I've met some of the best people ever. I don't regret that. If I didn't get amazing friends out of this whole Cottey experience, I would feel completely awful about the entire experience. But I do have to realize that if I hadn't gone to Cottey, I would never have met my closest friends. And I can't overlook that.
But basically, I'm tired of being treated like a child. I'm 20 years old. I know how to take care of myself. I know how to study. I would like to be shown respect from my peers and my teachers. I would like to be treated like an adult. I would like the adults around me to actually act like adults. It's unfortunate that I won't have those things until I leave Cottey.
But Cottey did give me friends. And it gave me a week in Spain. I guess for everything else, I'm on my own. Maybe one day I won't feel this bitter. But right now, while I'm trying to figure out what I'm doing with my life and I'm realizing that Cottey wasn't very helpful with that, I'm going to be upset. But it will get better. I will be happier. And maybe one day I'll look back and laugh at how pathetic and silly all of this was.
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