truths

I've been thinking a lot lately about what on earth I'm doing with my life. I kind of tend to do this a lot normally, but since I'm turning 20 this week, I've been thinking about it even more. I'm like actually going to be an adult. I'm going to be in my 20s. That's crazy.
Anyway, I was inspired by this article from Hello Giggles, and Kayla, who showed it to me, to write my own truths. What it is that makes me who I am. I haven't actually thought this through at all, so we'll just see what happens.

1. Family is very important to me. My family has influenced me kind of a lot. They are my favorite people. I realize that I am super lucky to have such intelligent, supportive parents. I know not everyone has this. But really, I believe that they would support me in anything as long as I am happy and healthy. And then there's the sister, who loves me more than anything. And the brother, who has taught me more about myself than probably anyone else in my life. I love my family and what happens with my family deeply affects me. I hope to also have a husband and children of my own someday. I just love family because it's messy and disfunctional, but also really beautiful at the same time.

2. I listen. Seriously, I'm basically always listening. If there are people having a conversation in the next room, I'm listening. If my best friend has a crisis and needs to talk through it, I'm listening. If there's music playing, I'm listening. If there's a clock ticking, I'm listening (and going slightly insane haha). I have learned a lot about people from what I've heard. Not only do I listen, but I also remember. I think because I listen so much, when I finally do have something to say I get really frustrated when people don't listen to me. And I can tell when someone isn't really listening to me. Sometimes I forget that not everyone listens as much as I do. But seriously, you should try listening more. It's amazing what you'll hear.

3. I am a follower of Jesus Christ. I know that everyone gets all tense the moment someone brings up religion Christianity on the internet. I know. I see it all the time. And I know there are reasons for it. I get really annoyed when people use the bible as an excuse to judge other people, which is not what it's all about for me. I believe in loving God and loving people, which is what I think Christianity is all about. My faith is not always 100% absolute. I've had my days of doubts. But really, when it all comes down to it, I believe that God has been there for me and continues to guide my life. I am also pretty open about talking about religion, but I don't usually bring it up first, because I know it has all kinds of negative connotations with a lot of people. I don't hide my beliefs, but I also don't jump down people's throats when they say they don't believe in God.

4. I don't know where I'd be without music. I've always loved music and felt it really personally. My mom signed me up for dance classes when I was 3 because I would always dance around the house to whatever music played. Gradually my interest in dance shifted to piano, and I've been taking piano lessons for the past twelve years. There is something so amazing about getting lost in a piano piece. And when you get to the point where you can just close your eyes and feel the music your fingers are making. It's such catharsis. Maybe this sounds cheesy, but it's true. I also listen to a lot of music. Personally, I like simple music. Just vocals and acoustic guitar or solo piano. I think some of the most gorgeous music is music that is raw and real, not overly produced. Listening to music has gotten me through many difficult days. I know this all sounds cliche, but it's just so true.

5. Sometimes I think my life is just one giant cliche, but this is probably from reading too much YA literature in middle school. I certainly don't regret that, though. YA novels are my favorite. And they truly did keep me from falling apart when a lot of other things in life were. Basically, I hope to one day meet/thank Judy Blume, Sarah Dessen, Meg Cabot, Sharon Creech, Beverly Cleary, Ann Brashares, Deb Caletti, Joan Bauer, Carl Hiaasen, Laurie Halse Anderson, E. L. Konigsburg, Jerry Spinelli, Lois Lowry and countless others who changed my adolescence.

6. I need to be needed. I take care of others. I can't help it. That is who I am. And I love it. I am glad when I can help others. When I feel like I am in a place where people don't need me, I feel awkward. It's almost as if there is no reason for me to be there.

7. I don't want to be famous. It seems like everyone wants to be well-known. I don't. I like working in the background. I like making a difference, and while getting credit is sometimes nice, it's not always necessary. It's okay when what I do goes unnoticed. I don't need everyone to know who I am, just family and friends. Sure, I like it when people like what I write on the internet, but I'm mostly writing for me, and if other people like it, great! But it's not mandatory in my life. I would rather not live in the spotlight.

8. I have a really hard time letting things go. When something bothers me, or there's some kind of injustice, I fixate on it. All the time. I cannot let it go. There are things that happened to me years ago that I still think about a lot. I think of all the ways that things could have gone better. If I don't get closure, I will basically think about it forever. I will remember it forever. This is probably the thing I like least about myself.

9. I don't need to know why. Most of the time, when I ask a question, I just want to know what the answer is. I'm not looking for a big long explanation, I just want the answer. If it doesn't make sense, then I'll maybe look for a basic explanation, but usually I just want an answer. So constantly debating hypothetical things that don't have an answer doesn't appeal to me. I'm usually satisfied with a simple answer or no answer at all rather than a huge hypothetical explanation.

10. I work hard and I get frustrated when others don't. This is pretty much self-explanatory. I get my work done and do what's expected of me. If you don't, then I'm usually inclined to think you're lazy and I don't have a lot of patience for that.

11. I have body issues. And this is possibly the first time I've admitted this publicly. It's really hard for me to talk about. I have a hard time loving what I look like when everywhere I go popular culture tells me I'm a failure for weighing what I do. I have struggled with this for years. I'm getting better, but I will probably struggle with this for the rest of my life.

12. I am kind of extremely emotional. I cry a lot. I cry at movies, I cry when I read, I cry when people tell me sad stories. I cry when I am sad or angry or happy. I cried when I wrote this blog post. I am rather sensitive.

13. I love taking surveys/questionnaires. This is probably why I've taken a Meyers-Briggs personality test dozens of times (I'm an ISFJ just in case you were wondering, and this is super accurate). I love filling in bubbles on multiple choice tests. I love learning more about myself and others from surveys and tests. I think it's super interesting.

14. I love lists and analyzing data. Both of my parents were actuaries. I'm certain this has something to do with why my siblings and I love making spreadsheets and lists for fun. It's a children of actuaries problem. I will one day start a support group.

15. I don't like taking risks. I would much rather live in my own safe little world than jump out of an airplane. But I do surprise myself sometimes. For instance, I did go to college 2000 miles away from home. And it turned out so great I should probably just take risks all the time (this is extreme sarcasm). I get scared of change. But I am also getting better at this.

16. I don't actually know what I'm doing even though I pretend I do. I love it when people think I have it all figured out. I don't really have anything figured out. But I like pretending that I do. Sometimes that's all you can do.

So that's me, as of this moment. But I'm still growing and constantly changing (even though I say I don't like it). If you read this and felt inspired, feel free to write your own truths. It's kinda fun. And a little bit of a challenge.