what i really want

Every new years for as long as I can remember (probably since like 2000) I've wished to have a boyfriend.  "Maybe this year..." I tell myself.  Even when I was like nine I thought having a boyfriend would be the best thing ever.  Ever.  Now, my concept of boyfriend has changed over the years, but I still think it would be amazing to fall head over heals in love with someone this year.
I know that it's probably a good thing this "desire" didn't come true in high school.  And definitely not in middle school.  I was no where near mature enough to love someone else when I didn't even love myself.  But I've come a long way in loving myself since then.  I wake up in the morning and I don't say negative things about myself anymore.  Much.
So here I am.  I'm almost 20.  I don't know why, but that feels really old to me.  Not like go live in a nursing home old, but just not young.  I am definitely an adult now, at least by society's standards.  So.  I would love a boyfriend.  But now at this point, I want to find someone who could be a whole lot more than a fling.  I want to fall in love with a strong Christian man and get married.  I want to start a family of my own.  I want to love and support my husband and to feel that love and support.  This is what I want.  More than pretty much anything.
I want to be a wife and a mother.  I want to live in my own house with my new family.  And I want that white picket fence.  I want to stay at home with my children and cook and clean and raise a family.  This is what I want.
I think this is part of the reason why I've been freaking out so much about what I should do with my education and career and what not.  I don't see myself having a super long career.  I just see myself as a wife and mommy.
But, as I might have mentioned before, I feel like the last fifteen years of my life will be wasted if I don't have a career and do something with it all.  I don't know.  I feel so conflicted.  Because, yes, I want to be a productive member of society, but I don't think that being a wife and mother necessarily contradicts that.
I guess that's part of the reason why I would like to be a nurse.  As a nurse, I could work for a while and then stop when I have children.  And I'm sure that nursing training will help me to raise healthy children.  It certainly won't hurt anything.
Anyway, I'm hoping that maybe this year I will meet the man who I will marry.  But we'll just see what God has in store.