NOTE: In this blog post, I am talking about The Fault in Our Stars by John Green. There is a good chance that there will be spoilers. I'm not exactly sure what I'm going to write about yet (since I'm writing this note before I actually write the post) but you have been warned. I don't want to be accused of posting spoilers. So. THERE MAY BE SPOILERS. Proceed at your own risk.
In which I ramble about feelings and books and cancer and death and stuff:
This week has been a roller coaster of emotions for me. I started back at school this week feeling particularly stressed because I don't know what I'm doing with my life and starting a new semester is stressful. And then my dad went into the hospital on Tuesday with a brain bleed. And now he's been diagnosed with a brain tumor. Now my dad is currently in the hospital waiting to be operated on. I am 2000 miles away from my family. This is scary stuff, especially for me since I am very close to my family and I feel a sense of responsibility to them. I want to be around my family. But right now I can't be. I have to be at school. This has been so hard.
Coincidentally, Tuesday was also the day The Fault in Our Stars was released. This book is about teenagers who are living with cancer. But it is equally about caring for others with serious illnesses and having to watch someone you love die. Ten years ago (man, I can't believe it was ten whole years ago) my mom was in the hospital with breast cancer and my aunt died from breast cancer. It was a cheery year. Fortunately, my mom is now fine (cancer-wise). But my aunt is still dead. And, I think what I found the most interesting about TFiOS was how the characters didn't tiptoe around the idea of death. They didn't glorify it. There is nothing wonderful about ceasing to exist on earth to the people who continue to exist. When you die, you are gone. And you will probably be forgotten.
My aunt is gone. But, as long as I'm still alive, I will remember the love she showed me. But once I die, who knows? In 100 years will anyone remember my aunt? Will anyone remember me? Probably not. And that is true for everyone.
But, in the short term, when someone dies, everyone she loved and everyone who loves her is hurt for a long time. And you cannot avoid that hurt. Pain is like that. It demands to be felt. That's how I felt when my aunt died. And that's how I've felt for much of this week. It hurt a lot when I found out my dad was in the hospital and we didn't know why. And it hurt so much to find out that he has a brain tumor. All I could do was sit and cry for several hours. I had to feel that pain. I had to process that pain. There was no ignoring it. TFiOS came at such an important moment for me because it kind of showed me that there is no reason to apologize for feeling hurt. You have to deal with the pain. Because that's the way life is.
I don't know if I'm happy with this rambling post of semi-nonsense. I'm not sure it does TFiOS justice. Partly because I'm still not sure how I feel about TFiOS. I know that death sucks for those left behind. And I know that everyone dies. And I know that I'm rambling again. I don't think that I will be able to completely process the book tonight. I don't know if I will ever be able to completely process the book. And I think that's okay. Okay.
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