january reflections

I can't believe that it's the end of January already. This month has been surreal. I feel like I didn't really even exist this whole month. I didn't feel like a person. I didn't feel like me. I was just going through the motions and trying not to think too much. Because when I did start to think too much I would start crying. This has certainly not been the easiest month for me. Obviously.
But I know that I'm still here. I'm still alive and so is my family. I still have friends and I know that people care about me. And that God has plans for my life. I have no idea what they are, but I know that he does.
I guess, for the moment, I'm excited for my future. I'm excited to get out of this school and move on. I know it won't all be easy. I mean, if January 2012 has taught me anything it's that life is not easy. We make plans and then those plans change. Hopefully they change for the better. I'm trying not to freak out too much. Which is slightly laughable since I freak out about everything. But I've been fine so far. So what's to worry about?

I'm not actually this calm. But I'm going to fake it until I make it.

stupid thoughts i've been having lately

I know I shouldn't be upset about this. And I don't know that I'm necessarily upset. It's just that this has been like the hardest three weeks of my life and none of my friends back home seem to care. I know this is petty and stupid and I'm assuming that my life actually matters to a ton of people. I know people are busy. And I know that when something doesn't directly affect you that you don't tend to think about it that much. I get that. It's just, there were people I talked to right when things started happening and they haven't talked to me since then. Nothing. Silence. And it's stupid that it bothers me so much. I hate that it bothers me.
This is not to say that no one has supported me. And I know that I should just focus on that. A lot of people have been really wonderful through all of this and I truly am blessed to be surrounded by so many amazing, caring people.
I guess this experience has kind of shown me who my real friends are. And I hate that I think that because it makes me sound like I'm fourteen. I don't know, I just needed to write some of my feelings down so that I can hopefully move on and stop thinking about these things. Because there's no point.
My dad's doing very well. And that's someone to be thankful for.

saturday night thoughts

I can't believe I've only been back at school for two weeks. It feels like an eternity. It feels like I never left. Did I even go home? Did Christmas break really even happen? I don't know. It certainly doesn't feel like it. I've just been an exhausted bundle of emotions practically since I came back to school. I was expecting to be overwhelmed and emotional, but not for the reasons that I am. I thought I was going to be completely wrapped up in myself and what I needed to do with my life. Instead, I've hardly thought about it. Well, I guess that's not true, it just doesn't feel like as big a deal as it did before. Mostly I've thought about my family and the nature of life and faith and strength and courage and confusion and a whole mess of jumbled thoughts that really don't make a whole lot of sense.
I think the hardest thing has been getting it into my head that everything that happened actually happened. Goodness, that's a vague sentence. Basically what I mean is that it's hard for me to comprehend that my dad actually had a brain tumor and that he's been in the hospital for almost two weeks and that he had brain surgery and all of that. I think part of the difficulty for me is that I haven't been home. I haven't seen him in the hospital. I haven't seen the pain and the fear in his eyes. And in my mom. I've only experienced all of this from far away. I don't know what it's like to actually be there. And I will never know. My experience is completely different from my family. From everyone. And that is really isolating. I feel like no one can relate to how I feel right now. And maybe that makes me sound like an emo teenager, but that's how it feels. I don't know. I'm just trying to wrap my brain over all of this and make sense of it all. But it's almost impossible.
And as much as I am focused on my family, there are so many other things that have happened in the last two weeks. I mean, I'm at this school where I'm not happy at all. I'm actually feeling pretty bitter about the whole college experience thus far. I just feel like I didn't get the school that was presented to me. I feel ripped off. I thought this was going to be so wonderful, but it's really not at all what I was expecting. Like, why don't people think that going to class is important? Why do people get so caught up in all of the stupid, petty drama? I don't know. The lack of maturity among students on this campus astounds me. It's pathetic. And I'm almost embarrassed that I went here. That I go here.
It certainly hasn't been all bad. I've met some really wonderful women and I hope to remain friends with them for the rest of my life. But it also breaks my heart because we all live so far away from each other. It's unlikely that our paths will cross again accidentally. We're going to really have to work to see each other. And I think we will, because it's important. It's just one thing they don't talk about when presenting a two-year school. You only have two years to get to know each other (less time if certain people are so unhappy with the school that they choose not to come back for a second year). Only two years. And really, for the majority of my friends, I only had a semester. Four measly months. That's not enough time.
So here I am. Listening to sad music and thinking about life on a Saturday night. Life of a stressed introvert. Life is so short. It just seems so unfair. But no one said it was fair. These feelings will pass and life will go on. We will all make it through this and feel content for a while. Until the next disaster strikes. And we will face that one like the one before it. Because what choice do we have?

strength and such

Someone just told me that I'm really strong. I guess this is probably true, but some days I just don't feel strong. Some days (like yesterday) I just want to curl up in my bed and cry and cry and cry. But I still have to cope with life. And so I do deal with stuff. I guess it was nice to hear that other people think that I'm strong. Maybe it validates how hard I've been trying to keep it together the last week. Because it's not like I have any other option.
I'm just worried about how I'm going to do tomorrow. I don't know if I'll be able to cope with anything. At all. And I'm scared. I know I shouldn't be scared and I shouldn't worry because things will work out the way they work out. But I think that's where I'm lacking in strength.
I don't know. This is mostly just rambling nothing. So many feelings this week. I'm exhausted. Maybe I'll just go to sleep. Probably the best idea I've had all day.

i'm not sure i can handle this

Today has been rather tear-filled. I just started crying last night and I haven't really been able to stop most of the day. I mean, I made it through class okay, but any moment to myself and then there are tears. I think I've made it through the processing time and now I'm just overwhelmed with information and all the things. I don't know. Life has been pretty hard lately.
But I will get through this. My family will get through this. I know we will. We have to.
I don't know. I just wish that I could be home with all of them. I feel so removed from this whole ordeal. I want to be with people who know what I'm going through. I want to be with the people I love. But I can't. And it's sort of driving me insane. I just feel so alone. I know there are people around and I have friends, but no one except for my family really understands.
I just don't want to be here anymore. (And by "here" I don't mean planet earth. I mean here, in Missouri, at school. I want to go home.)
I don't know, I thought I was doing pretty ok, but I guess I'm not.

pain demands to be felt: a book review

NOTE: In this blog post, I am talking about The Fault in Our Stars by John Green.  There is a good chance that there will be spoilers.  I'm not exactly sure what I'm going to write about yet (since I'm writing this note before I actually write the post) but you have been warned. I don't want to be accused of posting spoilers.  So. THERE MAY BE SPOILERS. Proceed at your own risk.


In which I ramble about feelings and books and cancer and death and stuff:

This week has been a roller coaster of emotions for me.  I started back at school this week feeling particularly stressed because I don't know what I'm doing with my life and starting a new semester is stressful.  And then my dad went into the hospital on Tuesday with a brain bleed.  And now he's been diagnosed with a brain tumor.  Now my dad is currently in the hospital waiting to be operated on.  I am 2000 miles away from my family.  This is scary stuff, especially for me since I am very close to my family and I feel a sense of responsibility to them.  I want to be around my family.  But right now I can't be.  I have to be at school.  This has been so hard.
Coincidentally, Tuesday was also the day The Fault in Our Stars was released.  This book is about teenagers who are living with cancer.  But it is equally about caring for others with serious illnesses and having to watch someone you love die.  Ten years ago (man, I can't believe it was ten whole years ago) my mom was in the hospital with breast cancer and my aunt died from breast cancer.  It was a cheery year.  Fortunately, my mom is now fine (cancer-wise).  But my aunt is still dead.  And, I think what I found the most interesting about TFiOS was how the characters didn't tiptoe around the idea of death.  They didn't glorify it. There is nothing wonderful about ceasing to exist on earth to the people who continue to exist.  When you die, you are gone.  And you will probably be forgotten.
My aunt is gone.  But, as long as I'm still alive, I will remember the love she showed me.  But once I die, who knows?  In 100 years will anyone remember my aunt?  Will anyone remember me? Probably not. And that is true for everyone.
But, in the short term, when someone dies, everyone she loved and everyone who loves her is hurt for a long time.  And you cannot avoid that hurt.  Pain is like that.  It demands to be felt.  That's how I felt when my aunt died.  And that's how I've felt for much of this week.  It hurt a lot when I found out my dad was in the hospital and we didn't know why.  And it hurt so much to find out that he has a brain tumor.  All I could do was sit and cry for several hours.  I had to feel that pain.  I had to process that pain.  There was no ignoring it.  TFiOS came at such an important moment for me because it kind of showed me that there is no reason to apologize for feeling hurt.  You have to deal with the pain.  Because that's the way life is.

I don't know if I'm happy with this rambling post of semi-nonsense.  I'm not sure it does TFiOS justice.  Partly because I'm still not sure how I feel about TFiOS.  I know that death sucks for those left behind.  And I know that everyone dies.  And I know that I'm rambling again.  I don't think that I will be able to completely process the book tonight.  I don't know if I will ever be able to completely process the book.  And I think that's okay.  Okay.

thoughts on beds and stuff

I've been so busy and stressed lately that I haven't even thought about what I'm doing with the rest of my life.  Like that whole thing I was freaking out about when I started this blog.  I don't have time or energy to deal with that now.  I am barely able to fit all of the normal stuff into my day.  But I guess it's good that I'm busy.  Because it's the moments when I'm not doing anything that I start having crazy, scary thoughts.
I feel like I'm in a sort of limbo state.  I'm going through the motions and doing what I'm supposed to because that's what I do.  But I would so much like to curl up in bed and cry and sleep and cry and sleep.  But then I remember that my dad has to stay in bed.  He can't leave his bed in the hospital at all, not even for a second, for the next two weeks.  I've never known what it's like to not be able to leave my bed.  And honestly, I've never thought about it before.  But there are many many people who are bedridden.  That would be so horrible, being trapped by your bed.  I would hate that.  I love sleep and relaxation and the comfort I get from my bed, but I would hate to be forced to stay in it.
I feel like I have so many thoughts and feelings but I'm not letting myself think or feel them because I'm afraid I'll get stuck.  I'm afraid that if I think too hard I'll go crazy.  This is so hard.

feeling helpless

So, when I started this blog, I came up with the title as a quote from Hagrid in Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. "What's coming will come and we'll meet it when it does."  I just had no idea what would be coming.
I don't know what God's doing with my family.  There are just so many things I don't understand.  I mean last year while I was away for my first year of college, my dad lost his job.  His steady job that he'd had for the last 26 years.  And it was so shocking.  It was so unexpected.  But it happened and it was scary at first, but after a year has gone by things were starting to feel almost normal again.  He figured out what he was going to do with his time.
But now here we are a little over a year after he lost his job and now he's in the hospital.  In the ICU.  Where he has to stay for the next two weeks at least.  Because of a brain bleed.  And we don't know what caused it or why it happened. But it's just scary.  He's in pain and he's nauseous and it's just awful.  I feel so bad for him and I wish I could rush home and take care of everyone.  Because that's what I do.  But I'm 2000 miles away.  And even if I was home, there's not a whole lot I could do.  I just feel so helpless.  And that's probably because I am helpless.
I have to believe that God is in control.  He has a plan.  And he hasn't let us down thus far, so there's no reason to think that he will now.
Maybe this is his way of teaching me that I need to take better care of myself.  I can't be the one to take care of everyone else and I shouldn't feel that responsibility.  And I just need to trust in him because he will get us through this even though it seems so scary now.
And I just hope that my dad will regain all function and that things will get better.  And that somehow my family will be able to afford the medical bills.  But there's no use worrying about it right now.  What's coming will come, and, through the grace of God, we'll meet it when it does.

back at school

Back in Missouri for my final semester here (thank goodness).  Classes start tomorrow.  I'm not very excited.  I think I'm sort of burned out on school at this point.  And I miss home.  But I am happy to be back with my friends and such.
So basically today I'm just doing nothing because I won't be able to do nothing for very much longer since this semester is going to be crazy.  I'm spending today unpacking and then just watching pointless youtube videos/Gilmore Girls.  And I might get sort of organized for the semester.  I just wish I had more motivation and such.
Well, this is sort of a pointless blog.  I'm just tired and don't have a whole lot to say. So yeah.

frustrating afternoon leads to new possibilities

I spent five hours this afternoon researching and attempting to fill out applications to different transfer schools.  And now I'm super freaking frustrated. Because nothing is easy. Especially since I'm sort of undecided about my major/the major I want (nursing) had a super early deadline and I missed it, and I'm transferring from an out-of-state school so nothing transfers.  It's frustrating. And I really just want to give up.

So now here's the conundrum. Should I just find a basic job and start making some sort of money and just give up on school for a while? Should I join some online dating sites and try to find a husband? Or should I keep devoting mountains of time/money to transfer schools and continue pulling my hair out because nothing is working?  I just don't know.

Am I going to regret it if I don't get a career at as high a level as possible for me?  Will I feel like I've given up if I choose not to transfer anywhere?

I just don't know.

what i really want

Every new years for as long as I can remember (probably since like 2000) I've wished to have a boyfriend.  "Maybe this year..." I tell myself.  Even when I was like nine I thought having a boyfriend would be the best thing ever.  Ever.  Now, my concept of boyfriend has changed over the years, but I still think it would be amazing to fall head over heals in love with someone this year.
I know that it's probably a good thing this "desire" didn't come true in high school.  And definitely not in middle school.  I was no where near mature enough to love someone else when I didn't even love myself.  But I've come a long way in loving myself since then.  I wake up in the morning and I don't say negative things about myself anymore.  Much.
So here I am.  I'm almost 20.  I don't know why, but that feels really old to me.  Not like go live in a nursing home old, but just not young.  I am definitely an adult now, at least by society's standards.  So.  I would love a boyfriend.  But now at this point, I want to find someone who could be a whole lot more than a fling.  I want to fall in love with a strong Christian man and get married.  I want to start a family of my own.  I want to love and support my husband and to feel that love and support.  This is what I want.  More than pretty much anything.
I want to be a wife and a mother.  I want to live in my own house with my new family.  And I want that white picket fence.  I want to stay at home with my children and cook and clean and raise a family.  This is what I want.
I think this is part of the reason why I've been freaking out so much about what I should do with my education and career and what not.  I don't see myself having a super long career.  I just see myself as a wife and mommy.
But, as I might have mentioned before, I feel like the last fifteen years of my life will be wasted if I don't have a career and do something with it all.  I don't know.  I feel so conflicted.  Because, yes, I want to be a productive member of society, but I don't think that being a wife and mother necessarily contradicts that.
I guess that's part of the reason why I would like to be a nurse.  As a nurse, I could work for a while and then stop when I have children.  And I'm sure that nursing training will help me to raise healthy children.  It certainly won't hurt anything.
Anyway, I'm hoping that maybe this year I will meet the man who I will marry.  But we'll just see what God has in store.

introvert conundrum

I think I'm starting to realize why I'm having such a problem with my future plans.  I'm an introvert.  I'm a shy introvert.  I don't ever feel comfortable talking to people who I don't really know.  I never know what to say and I feel like I always say the wrong things.  The problem is that all of the careers I'm interested in involve working with strangers.  So I'm feeling super conflicted.  It's like I'm struggling against myself.  I know that I would be good at nursing or social work or something like that.  But the thought of having to talk to people all day long and advocate for people and talk to strangers all the time freaks me out.  But I don't know what I would do instead.
I don't particularly want to work at a cubicle in a giant office doing paperwork or whatever.  I want to do something hands-on where I can see that I'm making a difference.  So it seems as though I would be well-suited to working with people as a nurse or a social worker or something like that.  But I'm just afraid that I'm not extroverted enough.  I'm worried that I will be really bad at it until I get comfortable.  And I don't know how long it will take for me to feel comfortable.
Sometimes I think that life would be a whole lot easier if I was an extrovert.  I would have lots of friends and I would feel comfortable talking to all kinds of people.  But then of course I wouldn't be me.  And I know that I'm pretty wonderful (or so my mother tells me).  I just wish that I was a me who felt totally comfortable talking to strangers.

future question mark

I've been so scared lately. I don't know what I'm doing with my life. Yes, I realize that most people don't know what they're doing with their lives.  And I know I'm still very young and I have plenty of time to figure it out. But it's a scary feeling nonetheless.
I'm graduating with an Associates degree in May.  I don't know what I'm doing after that.  I thought that I had it all figured out. I was going to transfer to a nursing school closer to home and become a nurse, find a man, get married, raise a family.  But I'm starting to discover that it's a whole lot more complicated than that.
I've never really had a job.  I've only ever gone to school. I'm really good at going to school.  I'm good at doing homework and studying and writing papers and all that stuff.  I don't know if I'll be any good at having a job.  I'm starting to think that I'm silly for thinking I want to be a nurse.  What do I know about it?  Very little.  I get scared talking to strangers.  I don't know enough to take care of people.  Can I really help people?  I just don't know.  I'm just doubting myself.  I know that most of these things can be taught and learned.  But I'm scared.  I always freak out about things.  They usually work out, but it's so hard for me to see that.  I just get stuck in the freak out.
I'm second guessing myself about the whole nursing thing.  But I don't know what I'd do instead.  Like, what else could I major in?  Long pause while I think about it.  Yeah, I've got nothing.
I really just want to be a wife and mother.  But then I feel like I could do so much more.  Like what was the point of going to school for the past fifteen years if all I'm going to do is be a wife and mother?  I don't want it to be a waste.
I just don't know I don't know I don't know.

and we'll meet it when it does

I had been using tumblr as a blog, but I decided that I want to write more and my tumblr just didn't seem appropriate to hold all of those thoughts anymore.  I love tumblr, but not for these kinds of thoughts.
Anyway, I hate "first posts." I never know what they're supposed to say.  I feel like I should introduce myself, but as probably no one else will read this like ever, I feel like introductions are unnecessary. I know who I am and why I'm blogging.
I guess if you are reading this hi. I hope my random thoughts meet with your expectations? I don't know. I'm a bit of a mess right now.  But I guess we all are.
Ok, first post the end.