Recently I've come to the realization that I'm going to get hurt in a lot of relationships because of just how much I care about other people. And how I expect that others will care about me just that much in return. Except that it's not possible for a lot of people to care as much as I do. So I end up hurt.
I don't open up to people very readily. If I've opened up to you, you're special and I care a lot about you. I want to be your friend forever. Or at least for a very long time. I would do pretty much anything for you at this point. Once we've reached this point, I'm not going anywhere. But, in return, I expect to be cared for, too. That's only fair.
But sometimes, that's just expecting the impossible. Not everyone cares as much or in the same way I do. I've said this to myself several times a day lately. Not everyone cares as much or in the same way I do. I don't know why this is so hard for me to get this through my head. Not everyone cares as much or in the same way I do. And that should be okay. I should lower my expectations. I should appreciate what I have. But I can't.
I have had some very, very good friends. I still have some very, very good friends. But it hurts a lot when I feel like I've done everything I can for a friend and then I get ignored. Then I have no one to lean on.
I'm probably just being overly dramatic. I probably just need to get over myself. I keep getting hurt and that's probably my fault. So, either I must change, or I need to accept that I will get hurt.
See, the thing is, I can't stop caring about people. And I don't want to. I don't want to stop forming deep, close friendships. I don't want to stop loving. But I am going to have to find a way to figure out how I'm going to cope when I feel unappreciated. Because this isn't really working for me.
Thursday, April 26, 2012
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
in which i reevaluate my internet usage
Last night I got back to my room after a day of classes at around 8:00 and then proceeded to spend three straight hours on the internet. Not doing anything really productive. I chatted with a few friends, watched some videos, tumblr-ed a lot, tweeted a bit. And then three hours had passed.
I don't like this. I don't like the way I felt at 11:00 when I realized just how much of my time was spent on the internet. My head felt like it had turned to mush. I felt guilty because I didn't get anything done. And throughout those three hours I didn't connect with anyone face-to-face.
One of the things I did during those three hours was watch this TEDTalk about technology and connection. About how we're always connected but always feel alone. I found myself agreeing with basically everything this woman said. I also felt disgusted with myself because I am guilty of everything she was talking about.
It is easier to communicate in text form. It's simple and you can edit yourself so the reader only sees the best of your thoughts. But humans aren't perfect. We're all a mixed up jumble of ideas and beliefs and misunderstandings. We forget and struggle to find convey meaning. We say things we don't mean. We ask stupid questions and give stupid answers. That's who we are. In the past week, there have been three separate instances where I forgot things that I had already said and repeated them to the same person. It was a little awkward and embarrassing. Especially because I've gotten so used to communicating online where I have a little more time to think through things before I say them. But I'm only human. It's okay to not be perfect. It's actually normal. I think we're eliminating this normal humanness by hiding behind a screen all the time.
I'm not saying that all technology is bad. I love the internet. I love that I get to talk to my friends who live far away from me just by typing on a screen. But I wish I could talk to them in person. Because that feels so much more real to me.
I feel like I missed out on three hours of life last night. And that scares me. Life is not infinite. Sitting in my room in front of a computer screen isn't really living.
So I've decided I need to do something about this. I need to cut back on the internet. It's not fulfilling me. It's not making me happy.
Yes, I do realize that it's ironic that I'm blogging about cutting back on the internet. But if it makes it better, I wrote all this down in my journal last night first. I'm just retyping it here because I want it on my blog. I am not abandoning the internet, I'm just going to spend a little more time away from it. That's all.
I'm going to read more and journal more. I'm going to have more face-to-face conversations and maybe even talk on the phone more (gasp!). I'm going to pray more and think more. I'm going to exercise more and sleep more.
Like I said before, I'm not going to completely cut the internet out of my life, but I think I need to seriously limit how much I use technology. And reevaluate how I use technology. Because while many pictures of baby animals are adorable, tumblr really isn't the best way I can spend my time. I'm not eliminating it (obviously), but I am going to cut back.
I feel like I'm at this point in my life where the world is completely open to me. I can choose to do whatever I want. And I don't think the internet is what I want my life to become.
I don't like this. I don't like the way I felt at 11:00 when I realized just how much of my time was spent on the internet. My head felt like it had turned to mush. I felt guilty because I didn't get anything done. And throughout those three hours I didn't connect with anyone face-to-face.
One of the things I did during those three hours was watch this TEDTalk about technology and connection. About how we're always connected but always feel alone. I found myself agreeing with basically everything this woman said. I also felt disgusted with myself because I am guilty of everything she was talking about.
It is easier to communicate in text form. It's simple and you can edit yourself so the reader only sees the best of your thoughts. But humans aren't perfect. We're all a mixed up jumble of ideas and beliefs and misunderstandings. We forget and struggle to find convey meaning. We say things we don't mean. We ask stupid questions and give stupid answers. That's who we are. In the past week, there have been three separate instances where I forgot things that I had already said and repeated them to the same person. It was a little awkward and embarrassing. Especially because I've gotten so used to communicating online where I have a little more time to think through things before I say them. But I'm only human. It's okay to not be perfect. It's actually normal. I think we're eliminating this normal humanness by hiding behind a screen all the time.
I'm not saying that all technology is bad. I love the internet. I love that I get to talk to my friends who live far away from me just by typing on a screen. But I wish I could talk to them in person. Because that feels so much more real to me.
I feel like I missed out on three hours of life last night. And that scares me. Life is not infinite. Sitting in my room in front of a computer screen isn't really living.
So I've decided I need to do something about this. I need to cut back on the internet. It's not fulfilling me. It's not making me happy.
Yes, I do realize that it's ironic that I'm blogging about cutting back on the internet. But if it makes it better, I wrote all this down in my journal last night first. I'm just retyping it here because I want it on my blog. I am not abandoning the internet, I'm just going to spend a little more time away from it. That's all.
I'm going to read more and journal more. I'm going to have more face-to-face conversations and maybe even talk on the phone more (gasp!). I'm going to pray more and think more. I'm going to exercise more and sleep more.
Like I said before, I'm not going to completely cut the internet out of my life, but I think I need to seriously limit how much I use technology. And reevaluate how I use technology. Because while many pictures of baby animals are adorable, tumblr really isn't the best way I can spend my time. I'm not eliminating it (obviously), but I am going to cut back.
I feel like I'm at this point in my life where the world is completely open to me. I can choose to do whatever I want. And I don't think the internet is what I want my life to become.
Saturday, April 21, 2012
why i quit dancing
This came up during my piano post and I thought I'd elaborate a little more, because I think it's important. So, like I said, I was a ballerina from the age of 3 to the age of about 7 or 8. Then I'd had enough. And I can actually pinpoint it to the exact instant that I wanted to be done with the ballet world. I've never actually told anyone about this. I told everyone I wanted to quit because I was too busy with other things. That was a lie.
This incident must have occurred in my last year of ballet, so I was probably in first or second grade. We were doing some ballet warm-ups at the bar. I remember doing some sort of plié and my teacher was watching me. She complimented my plié and then she said, "Suck it in, Rosemary." And that was the first incident where I felt uncomfortable in my own body. That I had to suck in my stomach to look like a ballerina. Even though I did the steps right, I was wrong because my stomach stuck out too much.
I felt so icky about going to dance after that and at the time I didn't really understand why. And it's taken me more than ten years to actually comprehend what that single comment did to me. I didn't think I was fat, but clearly my teacher did. My teacher, someone in authority, told me that my body was not acceptable. I mean, now I recognize how brutal the dance world can be about body appearance. But I was only 7. I just danced because it was fun. I liked the movement and the rhythm and the music. I liked learning the steps and dancing in a show. But after that moment, I didn't like it anymore because I felt like I was not acceptable. I was not thin enough to be a dancer.
One of the greatest things about being at Cottey (hey, look, I'm able to find something positive in this college nonsense) has been being able to try dancing again. I took a dance class last semester. My first dance class since second grade. And I loved it. I wasn't the greatest at it, but I had so much fun. It was so great to be able to move that way again. And no one said anything about what my body looked like. I just learned the steps and added my own expression to them and it was wonderful. And I learned that I can be a dancer even though I don't look like society's expectations of a dancer. So that's been great.
But I will always wonder where I would be if my teacher never would have said what she said and I would have kept dancing after second grade. I mean, I probably would be in better shape for one thing. And I might even like the way I look more. But honestly, I can't place all the blame on my ballet teacher for my negative body image. Because if she wouldn't have said something, I would have heard it from someone else.
I just wish I could go back and tell my 7-year-old self that it doesn't matter what you look like. I could still dance and I could still be beautiful. I wish that I could have encouraged my 7-year-old self to prove my ballet teacher wrong. To prove that how much my stomach stuck out did not affect how well I danced. But I can't. And I will continue to fight against my ballet teacher's words for a long time. It's gotten less painful over time, but I still think about it on occasion and it has definitely affected my self-esteem.
But I'm working on believing that every body is beautiful. Even mine.
This incident must have occurred in my last year of ballet, so I was probably in first or second grade. We were doing some ballet warm-ups at the bar. I remember doing some sort of plié and my teacher was watching me. She complimented my plié and then she said, "Suck it in, Rosemary." And that was the first incident where I felt uncomfortable in my own body. That I had to suck in my stomach to look like a ballerina. Even though I did the steps right, I was wrong because my stomach stuck out too much.
I felt so icky about going to dance after that and at the time I didn't really understand why. And it's taken me more than ten years to actually comprehend what that single comment did to me. I didn't think I was fat, but clearly my teacher did. My teacher, someone in authority, told me that my body was not acceptable. I mean, now I recognize how brutal the dance world can be about body appearance. But I was only 7. I just danced because it was fun. I liked the movement and the rhythm and the music. I liked learning the steps and dancing in a show. But after that moment, I didn't like it anymore because I felt like I was not acceptable. I was not thin enough to be a dancer.
One of the greatest things about being at Cottey (hey, look, I'm able to find something positive in this college nonsense) has been being able to try dancing again. I took a dance class last semester. My first dance class since second grade. And I loved it. I wasn't the greatest at it, but I had so much fun. It was so great to be able to move that way again. And no one said anything about what my body looked like. I just learned the steps and added my own expression to them and it was wonderful. And I learned that I can be a dancer even though I don't look like society's expectations of a dancer. So that's been great.
But I will always wonder where I would be if my teacher never would have said what she said and I would have kept dancing after second grade. I mean, I probably would be in better shape for one thing. And I might even like the way I look more. But honestly, I can't place all the blame on my ballet teacher for my negative body image. Because if she wouldn't have said something, I would have heard it from someone else.
I just wish I could go back and tell my 7-year-old self that it doesn't matter what you look like. I could still dance and I could still be beautiful. I wish that I could have encouraged my 7-year-old self to prove my ballet teacher wrong. To prove that how much my stomach stuck out did not affect how well I danced. But I can't. And I will continue to fight against my ballet teacher's words for a long time. It's gotten less painful over time, but I still think about it on occasion and it has definitely affected my self-esteem.
But I'm working on believing that every body is beautiful. Even mine.
piano thoughts
I've been thinking about this a lot and I've wanted to blog about it for a while, but I'm not sure I can put into words what I feel. But I'm going to try.
Music has always been a big part of my life. And I know it's sort of cliche to talk about music like this, but I feel like my musical journey is more than a cliche. I feel like it has more value than that. Anyway, when I was very little (like 3 years old) my mom put me in ballet classes because I would always "dance" around the house whenever there was music playing. I took ballet class (and eventually added some tap to that) for about five years. I stopped taking dance classes at the end of second grade. And it was mostly because I didn't feel like I looked like a dancer. I didn't have the "body type" for it. But that's a topic for another day.
Anyway, after I quit dancing, I switched to piano. I'd always been interested in it and I would always want to "play" whenever I was around a piano. So my parents found me a piano teacher and I loved it. I wanted to play, so practicing wasn't really a chore the way it is for a lot of piano students.
There was one point in about 7th grade where I was getting pretty fed up with a lot of things about my life and I wanted to quit piano. That was the only time that my parents forced me to keep going. And I'm so happy they did. Because I've gotten pretty good at this whole piano thing by now. Which, you know, is probably a good thing, since I've been playing for twelve years.
And I still love it. Honestly, I think it would be amazing to be able to just sit and play piano all day long. No worries or responsibilities, just piano. Lately, during my practice time, I've been having these moments that bring me to tears. I'm just playing along and suddenly there's this chord that is just so magnificent, so poignant, that I just have to stop and cry. It's like I want to hear and play that music forever. But I know that I can't.
And that's the problem. These next two weeks are the last two weeks of piano lessons I will have, at least for the foreseeable future. I'm going to keep playing piano, obviously, but I won't have a teacher anymore. I won't have someone better helping me improve. And this will be a major change in my life. I guess I've just realized how important piano is to me that I can't imagine my life without it. So I'm going to continue playing on my own and see what happens. Piano is too important to me to just stop.
Music has always been a big part of my life. And I know it's sort of cliche to talk about music like this, but I feel like my musical journey is more than a cliche. I feel like it has more value than that. Anyway, when I was very little (like 3 years old) my mom put me in ballet classes because I would always "dance" around the house whenever there was music playing. I took ballet class (and eventually added some tap to that) for about five years. I stopped taking dance classes at the end of second grade. And it was mostly because I didn't feel like I looked like a dancer. I didn't have the "body type" for it. But that's a topic for another day.
Anyway, after I quit dancing, I switched to piano. I'd always been interested in it and I would always want to "play" whenever I was around a piano. So my parents found me a piano teacher and I loved it. I wanted to play, so practicing wasn't really a chore the way it is for a lot of piano students.
There was one point in about 7th grade where I was getting pretty fed up with a lot of things about my life and I wanted to quit piano. That was the only time that my parents forced me to keep going. And I'm so happy they did. Because I've gotten pretty good at this whole piano thing by now. Which, you know, is probably a good thing, since I've been playing for twelve years.
And I still love it. Honestly, I think it would be amazing to be able to just sit and play piano all day long. No worries or responsibilities, just piano. Lately, during my practice time, I've been having these moments that bring me to tears. I'm just playing along and suddenly there's this chord that is just so magnificent, so poignant, that I just have to stop and cry. It's like I want to hear and play that music forever. But I know that I can't.
And that's the problem. These next two weeks are the last two weeks of piano lessons I will have, at least for the foreseeable future. I'm going to keep playing piano, obviously, but I won't have a teacher anymore. I won't have someone better helping me improve. And this will be a major change in my life. I guess I've just realized how important piano is to me that I can't imagine my life without it. So I'm going to continue playing on my own and see what happens. Piano is too important to me to just stop.
Friday, April 20, 2012
life plans
I feel like I should blog more (and I just really don't feel like cleaning my room) so I decided to attempt to write something. I don't really blog regularly which makes me sad. It's not like very many people even read these (and I don't expect them to) but I guess I just like contributing to the internet. I like being a part of it.
I think every day this week I've though, "I should blog," but I don't know what to blog about. Everything seems so trivial and at the same time life-altering. If that makes sense, which it probably doesn't. My life is changing once again. And I really hate transitional periods. But I've come to realize that life is just one big transition. I guess it's inescapable, so I better start enjoying it or I'm just going to be miserable.
I guess I could talk about my summer plans. I don't know what they are. That's the short answer. The long answer is a bit more complicated.
Things I'm (hopefully) doing this summer:
I think every day this week I've though, "I should blog," but I don't know what to blog about. Everything seems so trivial and at the same time life-altering. If that makes sense, which it probably doesn't. My life is changing once again. And I really hate transitional periods. But I've come to realize that life is just one big transition. I guess it's inescapable, so I better start enjoying it or I'm just going to be miserable.
I guess I could talk about my summer plans. I don't know what they are. That's the short answer. The long answer is a bit more complicated.
Things I'm (hopefully) doing this summer:
- taking the last few credits I need for nursing school at community college
- finding a job/working
- exercising
- volunteering
- not hiding in my room on the internet because I'm too afraid of facing my future
I guess it doesn't seem so scary when I write it down. I would love to get a job in some form of childcare, whether it's at a day camp or being a nanny or something. I'm also hoping to still teach piano, but that's not really a big enough job (ie, I'm not going to make enough money being a piano teacher, unless I get quite a few more students, which I would totally be up for). I could also work in a office or something. I mean with my receptionist skills I've obtained this year working at the desk in my residence hall, people should be begging me to work in their office.
It's weird that I'm going home, but I'm also an adult. I'm going back to live with my parents and my brother and so much is different since I last lived there. It'll just be an adjustment. And hopefully I don't go too crazy.
I guess I am pretty excited about starting a new phase of my life. I just need to keep myself from regressing back to high school me. I can be an adult and I can be responsible and I can get a job and all that jazz. Because I am an adult and I am responsible. And life is complicated and it kind of takes a while to get the hang of it.
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
reflecting
I cannot believe that this school year is almost over. My time at Cottey is almost over. And while I'm so ready to be done, I just can't believe how fast it has gone. I've been through so much since I moved out here to the middle of nowhere in August 2010. I had no idea what I was getting myself into. Basically, I have met some of the most amazing people ever. They are my closest friends and I know that we will have this lifelong friendship. Which is amazing. I've also learned a lot about how college works. Or maybe not. Because, as we all know by now, Cottey is not "normal" college. I have also learned that it's okay to take chances. Even if things don't go exactly how you think they should, it's still okay. Cottey was not what I expected and I still survived. I have no idea what I'm doing with my life now. I don't know where God will take me. But I have a good feeling about the future. If I can make it through this phase of my life, I can make it through anything. I hope.
Monday, April 9, 2012
my love/hate relationship with the internet
I love the internet. I love how it promotes creativity and conversation in a way that nothing else does. It allows reading and writing and listening and talking. I have learned a lot from the internet because it organizes so much information. I have been introduced to new music and new ideas. I have seen beautiful things and watched thought-provoking videos. Everyone has a potential voice on the internet. Usually.
But I also don't think that the internet is the best thing in the world. The internet eliminates live, face-to-face interaction. People are blocked by screens. And being online makes it very easy to miss out on some of life's most interesting and beautiful moments. I know that I have missed things by being online. While I think that spending time on the internet is fun and sometimes important, it doesn't compare to real life. You cannot hug people through the internet. You cannot hold an internet hand. You can't go on an adventure with people through the internet. You cannot dance in the rain or blow bubbles in the sun with people through the internet. You can connect with people through the internet, but those relationships don't seem as memorable as those real-life connections.
And then there's the whole miscommunication aspect to the internet. It is so easy to misunderstand someone else's intentions when your only communication is through the internet. It is also so temptingly easy to say things you don't really mean, or wouldn't say in face-to-face conversation. And it is amazingly easy to overshare and expose yourself to the entire world in ways you never intended. I am guilty of all of these things. I love that the internet allows communication. It's been especially nice when I have friends and family all over the place. It's much easier to keep in contact. But it is also difficult to say exactly what you mean and it comes across exactly the way you intended it to.
I certainly don't think the internet is bad. I don't think it's wrong to make friends over the internet. I don't think it's damaging to spend time on the internet. I do think it can be tricky. And it is important to still value life and the things around you. In the real world. Because that's where some of the most beautiful things exist. So I have decided to start seriously limiting my time spent online. Because I'm not finding it emotionally fulfilling and I feel like I'm missing out on living life.
But I also don't think that the internet is the best thing in the world. The internet eliminates live, face-to-face interaction. People are blocked by screens. And being online makes it very easy to miss out on some of life's most interesting and beautiful moments. I know that I have missed things by being online. While I think that spending time on the internet is fun and sometimes important, it doesn't compare to real life. You cannot hug people through the internet. You cannot hold an internet hand. You can't go on an adventure with people through the internet. You cannot dance in the rain or blow bubbles in the sun with people through the internet. You can connect with people through the internet, but those relationships don't seem as memorable as those real-life connections.
And then there's the whole miscommunication aspect to the internet. It is so easy to misunderstand someone else's intentions when your only communication is through the internet. It is also so temptingly easy to say things you don't really mean, or wouldn't say in face-to-face conversation. And it is amazingly easy to overshare and expose yourself to the entire world in ways you never intended. I am guilty of all of these things. I love that the internet allows communication. It's been especially nice when I have friends and family all over the place. It's much easier to keep in contact. But it is also difficult to say exactly what you mean and it comes across exactly the way you intended it to.
I certainly don't think the internet is bad. I don't think it's wrong to make friends over the internet. I don't think it's damaging to spend time on the internet. I do think it can be tricky. And it is important to still value life and the things around you. In the real world. Because that's where some of the most beautiful things exist. So I have decided to start seriously limiting my time spent online. Because I'm not finding it emotionally fulfilling and I feel like I'm missing out on living life.
Thursday, April 5, 2012
haunted by humans: a book review
“I wanted to explain that I am constantly overestimating and underestimating the human race— that rarely do I ever simply estimate it. I wanted to ask her how the same thing could be so ugly and so glorious, and its words and stories so damning and brilliant.” -The Book Thief, Markus Zusak
I finished reading The Book Thief last night at 2 am. I had heard people talking about this book on occasion all over the internet, so one day I decided to get it from the library. I didn't know what it was about at all. I just knew that a lot of people thought it was good. And wow. I was not disappointed.
I've read quite a few books. And I've never read one quite like this. The writing style is so haunting and intriguing, which I think is so appropriate to the story. This book is about the Holocaust and life in Nazi Germany. So, not exactly a pretty time in human history. There is lots of death (the whole book is basically death) and horrible circumstances that people had to endure. And their only comfort was each other.
Basically, I think that everyone should read this book. I don't know if I could read it again (I'm still suffering emotional trauma right now) but it is so brilliant. Like, I can't even put into words all of the things I'm feeling right now.
I think one of the reasons this book was so devastating to me was the lack of God. There were thousands and millions of people dying and the book doesn't mention God. There is no hope of an eternal afterlife. There is no hope for the future. Life is just awful and then you die. And I have to believe that there is more than that. I'm probably not explaining this very well, but if you have read the book, please feel free to talk to me about it. I'd love to discuss this (and any and all aspects of the book) with anyone who is interested.
Basically, I think that Markus Zusak does an excellent job of giving names and faces and personalities to Nazi Germany. It no longer seems like some far-off thing that happened. It feels much more personal. Much more awful. Which is how Nazi Germany should be portrayed. It was devastatingly awful.
Edit: I don't know why the font is different for this post... but I don't know how to fix it. It seems pretty insistent that it's going to look different. Whatever.
I finished reading The Book Thief last night at 2 am. I had heard people talking about this book on occasion all over the internet, so one day I decided to get it from the library. I didn't know what it was about at all. I just knew that a lot of people thought it was good. And wow. I was not disappointed.
I've read quite a few books. And I've never read one quite like this. The writing style is so haunting and intriguing, which I think is so appropriate to the story. This book is about the Holocaust and life in Nazi Germany. So, not exactly a pretty time in human history. There is lots of death (the whole book is basically death) and horrible circumstances that people had to endure. And their only comfort was each other.
Basically, I think that everyone should read this book. I don't know if I could read it again (I'm still suffering emotional trauma right now) but it is so brilliant. Like, I can't even put into words all of the things I'm feeling right now.
I think one of the reasons this book was so devastating to me was the lack of God. There were thousands and millions of people dying and the book doesn't mention God. There is no hope of an eternal afterlife. There is no hope for the future. Life is just awful and then you die. And I have to believe that there is more than that. I'm probably not explaining this very well, but if you have read the book, please feel free to talk to me about it. I'd love to discuss this (and any and all aspects of the book) with anyone who is interested.
Basically, I think that Markus Zusak does an excellent job of giving names and faces and personalities to Nazi Germany. It no longer seems like some far-off thing that happened. It feels much more personal. Much more awful. Which is how Nazi Germany should be portrayed. It was devastatingly awful.
Edit: I don't know why the font is different for this post... but I don't know how to fix it. It seems pretty insistent that it's going to look different. Whatever.
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
a dream journal
I know everyone hates listening to other people talk about their dreams. I kind of do, too. But, last night I had a really vivid dream, and I don't usually analyze my dreams all that much, but this particular dream seemed to have so many metaphorical resonances that I couldn't help it.
The dream started where I really wanted to go see Emma, but she lives like five hours away and I don't have a car. So my mom decided to mail me a car. A red VW bug. I got the car and it was super adorably cute. But it wasn't an automatic so I didn't know how to drive it. My mom was explaining how to drive it over the phone and I ended up in the middle of a busy road with cars rushing past me. Then I drove straight into a lake and got stuck. An old-ish, grandpa-ish guy came down in a hang-glider thing and rescued me out of the car. We were flying up over the lake and I was freaking out because I was just holding on to this metal bar and I was afraid I was going to fall. We flew over the lake and got to this little secluded lagoon and there was a man sitting in a wheelchair on a little boat. He was getting ready to go surfing or something. The old man and I were worried that the other man was going to get hurt since he was by himself. We landed in the water to try to help him, but he thought we were trying to hurt him, so he got really mad and started yelling at us.
Using several different internet sources, along with my own ideas, this is how I analyzed my dream:
1. The Red Car I Failed At Driving: I think that the car is important because it allows you to move about and get from place to place. As I've been frantically trying to figure out how I'm going to go from Cottey to a nursing school or whatever else it is, I feel like I'm stuck. I also was pretty annoyed when I went to bed last night, so that's probably why the car was red, representing anger or frustration. So basically, I want to be in control of my life, but I'm stuck and it's making me angry.
2. The Lake: The lake in my dream wasn't particularly choppy, but it wasn't completely still either. I think that it probably represents the obstacles I've been facing. I've been driving my car along and I run into a lake is basically the same thing as me living my life and going along and then get stuck in this transferring nonsense.
3. Flying with an Old, Experienced, Flyer: This seems obvious. I need someone older, wiser, and more experienced to help me out of my lake. So basically, I should ask for help when I need it, and someone who knows what they're doing will help me along.
4. Finding and Trying to Help the Disabled Man: I know that I help people out a lot. I often try to seek out people who are hurting or need assistance in some way. This is why I want to become a nurse: to help people out of the water in any way I can. I also worry a lot about people who are attempting things that I think are impossible.
5. Man Yelling At Me: Clearly, I need to back off and try not to help out so much. People are perfectly capable of living the way they want to. It's not my responsibility to make sure everything is running smoothly for everyone. This makes so much sense for so many reasons that I don't need to get into on the internet.
I don't usually care too much about dream interpretation, but this dream was just so fantastically metaphorical that I couldn't not analyze it. Clearly, my brain is super stressed and confused and would like me to stop helping other people and rely on others for a change.
The dream started where I really wanted to go see Emma, but she lives like five hours away and I don't have a car. So my mom decided to mail me a car. A red VW bug. I got the car and it was super adorably cute. But it wasn't an automatic so I didn't know how to drive it. My mom was explaining how to drive it over the phone and I ended up in the middle of a busy road with cars rushing past me. Then I drove straight into a lake and got stuck. An old-ish, grandpa-ish guy came down in a hang-glider thing and rescued me out of the car. We were flying up over the lake and I was freaking out because I was just holding on to this metal bar and I was afraid I was going to fall. We flew over the lake and got to this little secluded lagoon and there was a man sitting in a wheelchair on a little boat. He was getting ready to go surfing or something. The old man and I were worried that the other man was going to get hurt since he was by himself. We landed in the water to try to help him, but he thought we were trying to hurt him, so he got really mad and started yelling at us.
Using several different internet sources, along with my own ideas, this is how I analyzed my dream:
1. The Red Car I Failed At Driving: I think that the car is important because it allows you to move about and get from place to place. As I've been frantically trying to figure out how I'm going to go from Cottey to a nursing school or whatever else it is, I feel like I'm stuck. I also was pretty annoyed when I went to bed last night, so that's probably why the car was red, representing anger or frustration. So basically, I want to be in control of my life, but I'm stuck and it's making me angry.
2. The Lake: The lake in my dream wasn't particularly choppy, but it wasn't completely still either. I think that it probably represents the obstacles I've been facing. I've been driving my car along and I run into a lake is basically the same thing as me living my life and going along and then get stuck in this transferring nonsense.
3. Flying with an Old, Experienced, Flyer: This seems obvious. I need someone older, wiser, and more experienced to help me out of my lake. So basically, I should ask for help when I need it, and someone who knows what they're doing will help me along.
4. Finding and Trying to Help the Disabled Man: I know that I help people out a lot. I often try to seek out people who are hurting or need assistance in some way. This is why I want to become a nurse: to help people out of the water in any way I can. I also worry a lot about people who are attempting things that I think are impossible.
5. Man Yelling At Me: Clearly, I need to back off and try not to help out so much. People are perfectly capable of living the way they want to. It's not my responsibility to make sure everything is running smoothly for everyone. This makes so much sense for so many reasons that I don't need to get into on the internet.
I don't usually care too much about dream interpretation, but this dream was just so fantastically metaphorical that I couldn't not analyze it. Clearly, my brain is super stressed and confused and would like me to stop helping other people and rely on others for a change.
Monday, April 2, 2012
a rant
I'm not having a very good day today. I'm super stressed about two tests that I have tomorrow. These tests kind of determine what my grade is going to be in these two classes. And I care a lot. I've studied so much, but I still feel like I don't know everything. My brain just can't hold anymore information. People I usually like are really annoying me. I can't solve everyone's problems. And I can't care about everyone's problems. Even though people seem to think that I can. I'm sort of having a pity party for myself. And no one else seems to care. I'm tired of being responsible. I'm tired of being the one people lean on. I just want to lean on someone else. I don't know why I'm expected to do stuff for other people.
I have to live at home next year and not do exactly what I want. And I'm not looking forward to it. I'm trying to pretend that everything will be fine. But everything won't be fine. I'm trying to be positive because I feel like everyone expects me to. But I don't want to be. It sucks. I want to move on with my life, but I feel like things keep holding me back.
I can't afford school. No one can. So I don't really take it very well when people complain to me about how they can't afford school. It's not an original complaint. You figure it out. You sacrifice. Get a job. Save your money. And you can get where you want to go. Everyone has to sacrifice. You're not the only freaking person who can't afford to get what you want right when you want it. I know it sucks. But there is nothing else I can do for you.
I don't know at whom I am angry. Myself? My friends? This stupid school? I don't know.
I just want to curl up in a ball and cry. I can't deal with all of this anymore.
I have to live at home next year and not do exactly what I want. And I'm not looking forward to it. I'm trying to pretend that everything will be fine. But everything won't be fine. I'm trying to be positive because I feel like everyone expects me to. But I don't want to be. It sucks. I want to move on with my life, but I feel like things keep holding me back.
I can't afford school. No one can. So I don't really take it very well when people complain to me about how they can't afford school. It's not an original complaint. You figure it out. You sacrifice. Get a job. Save your money. And you can get where you want to go. Everyone has to sacrifice. You're not the only freaking person who can't afford to get what you want right when you want it. I know it sucks. But there is nothing else I can do for you.
I don't know at whom I am angry. Myself? My friends? This stupid school? I don't know.
I just want to curl up in a ball and cry. I can't deal with all of this anymore.
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