saturday night thoughts

I can't believe I've only been back at school for two weeks. It feels like an eternity. It feels like I never left. Did I even go home? Did Christmas break really even happen? I don't know. It certainly doesn't feel like it. I've just been an exhausted bundle of emotions practically since I came back to school. I was expecting to be overwhelmed and emotional, but not for the reasons that I am. I thought I was going to be completely wrapped up in myself and what I needed to do with my life. Instead, I've hardly thought about it. Well, I guess that's not true, it just doesn't feel like as big a deal as it did before. Mostly I've thought about my family and the nature of life and faith and strength and courage and confusion and a whole mess of jumbled thoughts that really don't make a whole lot of sense.
I think the hardest thing has been getting it into my head that everything that happened actually happened. Goodness, that's a vague sentence. Basically what I mean is that it's hard for me to comprehend that my dad actually had a brain tumor and that he's been in the hospital for almost two weeks and that he had brain surgery and all of that. I think part of the difficulty for me is that I haven't been home. I haven't seen him in the hospital. I haven't seen the pain and the fear in his eyes. And in my mom. I've only experienced all of this from far away. I don't know what it's like to actually be there. And I will never know. My experience is completely different from my family. From everyone. And that is really isolating. I feel like no one can relate to how I feel right now. And maybe that makes me sound like an emo teenager, but that's how it feels. I don't know. I'm just trying to wrap my brain over all of this and make sense of it all. But it's almost impossible.
And as much as I am focused on my family, there are so many other things that have happened in the last two weeks. I mean, I'm at this school where I'm not happy at all. I'm actually feeling pretty bitter about the whole college experience thus far. I just feel like I didn't get the school that was presented to me. I feel ripped off. I thought this was going to be so wonderful, but it's really not at all what I was expecting. Like, why don't people think that going to class is important? Why do people get so caught up in all of the stupid, petty drama? I don't know. The lack of maturity among students on this campus astounds me. It's pathetic. And I'm almost embarrassed that I went here. That I go here.
It certainly hasn't been all bad. I've met some really wonderful women and I hope to remain friends with them for the rest of my life. But it also breaks my heart because we all live so far away from each other. It's unlikely that our paths will cross again accidentally. We're going to really have to work to see each other. And I think we will, because it's important. It's just one thing they don't talk about when presenting a two-year school. You only have two years to get to know each other (less time if certain people are so unhappy with the school that they choose not to come back for a second year). Only two years. And really, for the majority of my friends, I only had a semester. Four measly months. That's not enough time.
So here I am. Listening to sad music and thinking about life on a Saturday night. Life of a stressed introvert. Life is so short. It just seems so unfair. But no one said it was fair. These feelings will pass and life will go on. We will all make it through this and feel content for a while. Until the next disaster strikes. And we will face that one like the one before it. Because what choice do we have?

i'm not sure i can handle this

Today has been rather tear-filled. I just started crying last night and I haven't really been able to stop most of the day. I mean, I made it through class okay, but any moment to myself and then there are tears. I think I've made it through the processing time and now I'm just overwhelmed with information and all the things. I don't know. Life has been pretty hard lately.
But I will get through this. My family will get through this. I know we will. We have to.
I don't know. I just wish that I could be home with all of them. I feel so removed from this whole ordeal. I want to be with people who know what I'm going through. I want to be with the people I love. But I can't. And it's sort of driving me insane. I just feel so alone. I know there are people around and I have friends, but no one except for my family really understands.
I just don't want to be here anymore. (And by "here" I don't mean planet earth. I mean here, in Missouri, at school. I want to go home.)
I don't know, I thought I was doing pretty ok, but I guess I'm not.

thoughts on beds and stuff

I've been so busy and stressed lately that I haven't even thought about what I'm doing with the rest of my life.  Like that whole thing I was freaking out about when I started this blog.  I don't have time or energy to deal with that now.  I am barely able to fit all of the normal stuff into my day.  But I guess it's good that I'm busy.  Because it's the moments when I'm not doing anything that I start having crazy, scary thoughts.
I feel like I'm in a sort of limbo state.  I'm going through the motions and doing what I'm supposed to because that's what I do.  But I would so much like to curl up in bed and cry and sleep and cry and sleep.  But then I remember that my dad has to stay in bed.  He can't leave his bed in the hospital at all, not even for a second, for the next two weeks.  I've never known what it's like to not be able to leave my bed.  And honestly, I've never thought about it before.  But there are many many people who are bedridden.  That would be so horrible, being trapped by your bed.  I would hate that.  I love sleep and relaxation and the comfort I get from my bed, but I would hate to be forced to stay in it.
I feel like I have so many thoughts and feelings but I'm not letting myself think or feel them because I'm afraid I'll get stuck.  I'm afraid that if I think too hard I'll go crazy.  This is so hard.