Having been on ten different flights in the past two weeks, I've spent a bit of time contemplating and observing people in airports and on airplanes. Airplane flights are so interesting to me because you basically get a huge group of strangers all in one isolated place. No one can just get up and leave in the middle of the flight. You are basically forced into a community.
People are weird when they are forced to interact with strangers. Some people get really chatty and want to tell their entire life story to whomever will listen. Some people avoid eye contact with others at all costs. It's such an interesting thing because you can essentially be whatever you want to be for an entire flight and no one will know if that's really the real you or not.
Airplane flights are these unique shared experiences. And I think there's something beautiful in that. You get the privilege of spending time with a random sampling of humanity. Sometimes it leaves you feeling empowered and encouraged. Sometimes it makes you embarrassed and depressed. But whatever it does, you have spent some part of your life with these people in a tiny space, 40,000 feet in the air. It's crazy amazing.
I'm not really sure if any of these thoughts are making sense. My mind is sort of all over the place tonight. I'm back at school and I don't want to be. I'm not ready to do all of this school stuff and future stuff. I'm scared and nervous and exhausted. I'm basically on the brink of this huge decision-making process and I'm not entirely sure that I'm going to make the right choice. Even though I know that no decision is inherently wrong. I just have to make the best of whatever direction my life takes. Which sounds like cheesy bs, but I don't think it is.
I can do this. I think. Maybe.
I just have to figure out what "this" is...
Showing posts with label future. Show all posts
Showing posts with label future. Show all posts
Sunday, March 18, 2012
Friday, March 16, 2012
uncertainty
I'm reaching this point in my life where I have to make some choices. I mean, life is always full of choices, but at this point the choices I make will probably significantly affect my life. (Side note, I'm having a really hard time typing the word choices.)
It's hard because I'm not 100% positive that I know what I'm doing with my life. I realize that I probably will never be completely sure that I know what I'm doing and I probably just need to pick something and work hard and it will all be fine. Or it won't. In which case I will just make some changes. Anyway, I rarely make decisions without thoroughly contemplating the outcome. I don't go into things unless I am sure (or at least fairly certain) I know the outcome. I hate the unknown, so I avoid it. Unfortunately, I can't really avoid it in this circumstance. And it scares the crap out of me.
So, should I do what makes the most sense financially and practically and will eventually lead to the result I want? Or should I do what sounds more interesting (and makes more sense emotionally) but costs a lot more? I'm in a battle with myself. My logical side is fighting with my emotional side. And I don't know what to do. I really want some magical solution to appear out of the sky. But I've heard that the world doesn't work that way.
It's so strange. I'm absolutely certain that I want to be an adult and I want to act like an adult and be treated like an adult. But I'm also terrified and would like very much to go back and be a child forever. I don't really want that either, though. I guess I don't really know what I want. Again, it's the whole fear of uncertainty.
It's hard because I'm not 100% positive that I know what I'm doing with my life. I realize that I probably will never be completely sure that I know what I'm doing and I probably just need to pick something and work hard and it will all be fine. Or it won't. In which case I will just make some changes. Anyway, I rarely make decisions without thoroughly contemplating the outcome. I don't go into things unless I am sure (or at least fairly certain) I know the outcome. I hate the unknown, so I avoid it. Unfortunately, I can't really avoid it in this circumstance. And it scares the crap out of me.
So, should I do what makes the most sense financially and practically and will eventually lead to the result I want? Or should I do what sounds more interesting (and makes more sense emotionally) but costs a lot more? I'm in a battle with myself. My logical side is fighting with my emotional side. And I don't know what to do. I really want some magical solution to appear out of the sky. But I've heard that the world doesn't work that way.
It's so strange. I'm absolutely certain that I want to be an adult and I want to act like an adult and be treated like an adult. But I'm also terrified and would like very much to go back and be a child forever. I don't really want that either, though. I guess I don't really know what I want. Again, it's the whole fear of uncertainty.
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
january reflections
I can't believe that it's the end of January already. This month has been surreal. I feel like I didn't really even exist this whole month. I didn't feel like a person. I didn't feel like me. I was just going through the motions and trying not to think too much. Because when I did start to think too much I would start crying. This has certainly not been the easiest month for me. Obviously.
But I know that I'm still here. I'm still alive and so is my family. I still have friends and I know that people care about me. And that God has plans for my life. I have no idea what they are, but I know that he does.
I guess, for the moment, I'm excited for my future. I'm excited to get out of this school and move on. I know it won't all be easy. I mean, if January 2012 has taught me anything it's that life is not easy. We make plans and then those plans change. Hopefully they change for the better. I'm trying not to freak out too much. Which is slightly laughable since I freak out about everything. But I've been fine so far. So what's to worry about?
I'm not actually this calm. But I'm going to fake it until I make it.
But I know that I'm still here. I'm still alive and so is my family. I still have friends and I know that people care about me. And that God has plans for my life. I have no idea what they are, but I know that he does.
I guess, for the moment, I'm excited for my future. I'm excited to get out of this school and move on. I know it won't all be easy. I mean, if January 2012 has taught me anything it's that life is not easy. We make plans and then those plans change. Hopefully they change for the better. I'm trying not to freak out too much. Which is slightly laughable since I freak out about everything. But I've been fine so far. So what's to worry about?
I'm not actually this calm. But I'm going to fake it until I make it.
Saturday, January 21, 2012
saturday night thoughts
I can't believe I've only been back at school for two weeks. It feels like an eternity. It feels like I never left. Did I even go home? Did Christmas break really even happen? I don't know. It certainly doesn't feel like it. I've just been an exhausted bundle of emotions practically since I came back to school. I was expecting to be overwhelmed and emotional, but not for the reasons that I am. I thought I was going to be completely wrapped up in myself and what I needed to do with my life. Instead, I've hardly thought about it. Well, I guess that's not true, it just doesn't feel like as big a deal as it did before. Mostly I've thought about my family and the nature of life and faith and strength and courage and confusion and a whole mess of jumbled thoughts that really don't make a whole lot of sense.
I think the hardest thing has been getting it into my head that everything that happened actually happened. Goodness, that's a vague sentence. Basically what I mean is that it's hard for me to comprehend that my dad actually had a brain tumor and that he's been in the hospital for almost two weeks and that he had brain surgery and all of that. I think part of the difficulty for me is that I haven't been home. I haven't seen him in the hospital. I haven't seen the pain and the fear in his eyes. And in my mom. I've only experienced all of this from far away. I don't know what it's like to actually be there. And I will never know. My experience is completely different from my family. From everyone. And that is really isolating. I feel like no one can relate to how I feel right now. And maybe that makes me sound like an emo teenager, but that's how it feels. I don't know. I'm just trying to wrap my brain over all of this and make sense of it all. But it's almost impossible.
And as much as I am focused on my family, there are so many other things that have happened in the last two weeks. I mean, I'm at this school where I'm not happy at all. I'm actually feeling pretty bitter about the whole college experience thus far. I just feel like I didn't get the school that was presented to me. I feel ripped off. I thought this was going to be so wonderful, but it's really not at all what I was expecting. Like, why don't people think that going to class is important? Why do people get so caught up in all of the stupid, petty drama? I don't know. The lack of maturity among students on this campus astounds me. It's pathetic. And I'm almost embarrassed that I went here. That I go here.
It certainly hasn't been all bad. I've met some really wonderful women and I hope to remain friends with them for the rest of my life. But it also breaks my heart because we all live so far away from each other. It's unlikely that our paths will cross again accidentally. We're going to really have to work to see each other. And I think we will, because it's important. It's just one thing they don't talk about when presenting a two-year school. You only have two years to get to know each other (less time if certain people are so unhappy with the school that they choose not to come back for a second year). Only two years. And really, for the majority of my friends, I only had a semester. Four measly months. That's not enough time.
So here I am. Listening to sad music and thinking about life on a Saturday night. Life of a stressed introvert. Life is so short. It just seems so unfair. But no one said it was fair. These feelings will pass and life will go on. We will all make it through this and feel content for a while. Until the next disaster strikes. And we will face that one like the one before it. Because what choice do we have?
I think the hardest thing has been getting it into my head that everything that happened actually happened. Goodness, that's a vague sentence. Basically what I mean is that it's hard for me to comprehend that my dad actually had a brain tumor and that he's been in the hospital for almost two weeks and that he had brain surgery and all of that. I think part of the difficulty for me is that I haven't been home. I haven't seen him in the hospital. I haven't seen the pain and the fear in his eyes. And in my mom. I've only experienced all of this from far away. I don't know what it's like to actually be there. And I will never know. My experience is completely different from my family. From everyone. And that is really isolating. I feel like no one can relate to how I feel right now. And maybe that makes me sound like an emo teenager, but that's how it feels. I don't know. I'm just trying to wrap my brain over all of this and make sense of it all. But it's almost impossible.
And as much as I am focused on my family, there are so many other things that have happened in the last two weeks. I mean, I'm at this school where I'm not happy at all. I'm actually feeling pretty bitter about the whole college experience thus far. I just feel like I didn't get the school that was presented to me. I feel ripped off. I thought this was going to be so wonderful, but it's really not at all what I was expecting. Like, why don't people think that going to class is important? Why do people get so caught up in all of the stupid, petty drama? I don't know. The lack of maturity among students on this campus astounds me. It's pathetic. And I'm almost embarrassed that I went here. That I go here.
It certainly hasn't been all bad. I've met some really wonderful women and I hope to remain friends with them for the rest of my life. But it also breaks my heart because we all live so far away from each other. It's unlikely that our paths will cross again accidentally. We're going to really have to work to see each other. And I think we will, because it's important. It's just one thing they don't talk about when presenting a two-year school. You only have two years to get to know each other (less time if certain people are so unhappy with the school that they choose not to come back for a second year). Only two years. And really, for the majority of my friends, I only had a semester. Four measly months. That's not enough time.
So here I am. Listening to sad music and thinking about life on a Saturday night. Life of a stressed introvert. Life is so short. It just seems so unfair. But no one said it was fair. These feelings will pass and life will go on. We will all make it through this and feel content for a while. Until the next disaster strikes. And we will face that one like the one before it. Because what choice do we have?
Thursday, January 5, 2012
what i really want
Every new years for as long as I can remember (probably since like 2000) I've wished to have a boyfriend. "Maybe this year..." I tell myself. Even when I was like nine I thought having a boyfriend would be the best thing ever. Ever. Now, my concept of boyfriend has changed over the years, but I still think it would be amazing to fall head over heals in love with someone this year.
I know that it's probably a good thing this "desire" didn't come true in high school. And definitely not in middle school. I was no where near mature enough to love someone else when I didn't even love myself. But I've come a long way in loving myself since then. I wake up in the morning and I don't say negative things about myself anymore. Much.
So here I am. I'm almost 20. I don't know why, but that feels really old to me. Not like go live in a nursing home old, but just not young. I am definitely an adult now, at least by society's standards. So. I would love a boyfriend. But now at this point, I want to find someone who could be a whole lot more than a fling. I want to fall in love with a strong Christian man and get married. I want to start a family of my own. I want to love and support my husband and to feel that love and support. This is what I want. More than pretty much anything.
I want to be a wife and a mother. I want to live in my own house with my new family. And I want that white picket fence. I want to stay at home with my children and cook and clean and raise a family. This is what I want.
I think this is part of the reason why I've been freaking out so much about what I should do with my education and career and what not. I don't see myself having a super long career. I just see myself as a wife and mommy.
But, as I might have mentioned before, I feel like the last fifteen years of my life will be wasted if I don't have a career and do something with it all. I don't know. I feel so conflicted. Because, yes, I want to be a productive member of society, but I don't think that being a wife and mother necessarily contradicts that.
I guess that's part of the reason why I would like to be a nurse. As a nurse, I could work for a while and then stop when I have children. And I'm sure that nursing training will help me to raise healthy children. It certainly won't hurt anything.
Anyway, I'm hoping that maybe this year I will meet the man who I will marry. But we'll just see what God has in store.
I know that it's probably a good thing this "desire" didn't come true in high school. And definitely not in middle school. I was no where near mature enough to love someone else when I didn't even love myself. But I've come a long way in loving myself since then. I wake up in the morning and I don't say negative things about myself anymore. Much.
So here I am. I'm almost 20. I don't know why, but that feels really old to me. Not like go live in a nursing home old, but just not young. I am definitely an adult now, at least by society's standards. So. I would love a boyfriend. But now at this point, I want to find someone who could be a whole lot more than a fling. I want to fall in love with a strong Christian man and get married. I want to start a family of my own. I want to love and support my husband and to feel that love and support. This is what I want. More than pretty much anything.
I want to be a wife and a mother. I want to live in my own house with my new family. And I want that white picket fence. I want to stay at home with my children and cook and clean and raise a family. This is what I want.
I think this is part of the reason why I've been freaking out so much about what I should do with my education and career and what not. I don't see myself having a super long career. I just see myself as a wife and mommy.
But, as I might have mentioned before, I feel like the last fifteen years of my life will be wasted if I don't have a career and do something with it all. I don't know. I feel so conflicted. Because, yes, I want to be a productive member of society, but I don't think that being a wife and mother necessarily contradicts that.
I guess that's part of the reason why I would like to be a nurse. As a nurse, I could work for a while and then stop when I have children. And I'm sure that nursing training will help me to raise healthy children. It certainly won't hurt anything.
Anyway, I'm hoping that maybe this year I will meet the man who I will marry. But we'll just see what God has in store.
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
introvert conundrum
I think I'm starting to realize why I'm having such a problem with my future plans. I'm an introvert. I'm a shy introvert. I don't ever feel comfortable talking to people who I don't really know. I never know what to say and I feel like I always say the wrong things. The problem is that all of the careers I'm interested in involve working with strangers. So I'm feeling super conflicted. It's like I'm struggling against myself. I know that I would be good at nursing or social work or something like that. But the thought of having to talk to people all day long and advocate for people and talk to strangers all the time freaks me out. But I don't know what I would do instead.
I don't particularly want to work at a cubicle in a giant office doing paperwork or whatever. I want to do something hands-on where I can see that I'm making a difference. So it seems as though I would be well-suited to working with people as a nurse or a social worker or something like that. But I'm just afraid that I'm not extroverted enough. I'm worried that I will be really bad at it until I get comfortable. And I don't know how long it will take for me to feel comfortable.
Sometimes I think that life would be a whole lot easier if I was an extrovert. I would have lots of friends and I would feel comfortable talking to all kinds of people. But then of course I wouldn't be me. And I know that I'm pretty wonderful (or so my mother tells me). I just wish that I was a me who felt totally comfortable talking to strangers.
I don't particularly want to work at a cubicle in a giant office doing paperwork or whatever. I want to do something hands-on where I can see that I'm making a difference. So it seems as though I would be well-suited to working with people as a nurse or a social worker or something like that. But I'm just afraid that I'm not extroverted enough. I'm worried that I will be really bad at it until I get comfortable. And I don't know how long it will take for me to feel comfortable.
Sometimes I think that life would be a whole lot easier if I was an extrovert. I would have lots of friends and I would feel comfortable talking to all kinds of people. But then of course I wouldn't be me. And I know that I'm pretty wonderful (or so my mother tells me). I just wish that I was a me who felt totally comfortable talking to strangers.
future question mark
I've been so scared lately. I don't know what I'm doing with my life. Yes, I realize that most people don't know what they're doing with their lives. And I know I'm still very young and I have plenty of time to figure it out. But it's a scary feeling nonetheless.
I'm graduating with an Associates degree in May. I don't know what I'm doing after that. I thought that I had it all figured out. I was going to transfer to a nursing school closer to home and become a nurse, find a man, get married, raise a family. But I'm starting to discover that it's a whole lot more complicated than that.
I've never really had a job. I've only ever gone to school. I'm really good at going to school. I'm good at doing homework and studying and writing papers and all that stuff. I don't know if I'll be any good at having a job. I'm starting to think that I'm silly for thinking I want to be a nurse. What do I know about it? Very little. I get scared talking to strangers. I don't know enough to take care of people. Can I really help people? I just don't know. I'm just doubting myself. I know that most of these things can be taught and learned. But I'm scared. I always freak out about things. They usually work out, but it's so hard for me to see that. I just get stuck in the freak out.
I'm second guessing myself about the whole nursing thing. But I don't know what I'd do instead. Like, what else could I major in? Long pause while I think about it. Yeah, I've got nothing.
I really just want to be a wife and mother. But then I feel like I could do so much more. Like what was the point of going to school for the past fifteen years if all I'm going to do is be a wife and mother? I don't want it to be a waste.
I just don't know I don't know I don't know.
I'm graduating with an Associates degree in May. I don't know what I'm doing after that. I thought that I had it all figured out. I was going to transfer to a nursing school closer to home and become a nurse, find a man, get married, raise a family. But I'm starting to discover that it's a whole lot more complicated than that.
I've never really had a job. I've only ever gone to school. I'm really good at going to school. I'm good at doing homework and studying and writing papers and all that stuff. I don't know if I'll be any good at having a job. I'm starting to think that I'm silly for thinking I want to be a nurse. What do I know about it? Very little. I get scared talking to strangers. I don't know enough to take care of people. Can I really help people? I just don't know. I'm just doubting myself. I know that most of these things can be taught and learned. But I'm scared. I always freak out about things. They usually work out, but it's so hard for me to see that. I just get stuck in the freak out.
I'm second guessing myself about the whole nursing thing. But I don't know what I'd do instead. Like, what else could I major in? Long pause while I think about it. Yeah, I've got nothing.
I really just want to be a wife and mother. But then I feel like I could do so much more. Like what was the point of going to school for the past fifteen years if all I'm going to do is be a wife and mother? I don't want it to be a waste.
I just don't know I don't know I don't know.
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