in which i reevaluate my internet usage

Last night I got back to my room after a day of classes at around 8:00 and then proceeded to spend three straight hours on the internet. Not doing anything really productive. I chatted with a few friends, watched some videos, tumblr-ed a lot, tweeted a bit. And then three hours had passed.
I don't like this. I don't like the way I felt at 11:00 when I realized just how much of my time was spent on the internet. My head felt like it had turned to mush. I felt guilty because I didn't get anything done. And throughout those three hours I didn't connect with anyone face-to-face.
One of the things I did during those three hours was watch this TEDTalk about technology and connection. About how we're always connected but always feel alone. I found myself agreeing with basically everything this woman said. I also felt disgusted with myself because I am guilty of everything she was talking about.
It is easier to communicate in text form. It's simple and you can edit yourself so the reader only sees the best of your thoughts. But humans aren't perfect. We're all a mixed up jumble of ideas and beliefs and misunderstandings. We forget and struggle to find convey meaning. We say things we don't mean. We ask stupid questions and give stupid answers. That's who we are. In the past week, there have been three separate instances where I forgot things that I had already said and repeated them to the same person. It was a little awkward and embarrassing. Especially because I've gotten so used to communicating online where I have a little more time to think through things before I say them. But I'm only human. It's okay to not be perfect. It's actually normal. I think we're eliminating this normal humanness by hiding behind a screen all the time.
I'm not saying that all technology is bad. I love the internet. I love that I get to talk to my friends who live far away from me just by typing on a screen. But I wish I could talk to them in person. Because that feels so much more real to me.
I feel like I missed out on three hours of life last night. And that scares me. Life is not infinite. Sitting in my room in front of a computer screen isn't really living.
So I've decided I need to do something about this. I need to cut back on the internet. It's not fulfilling me. It's not making me happy.
Yes, I do realize that it's ironic that I'm blogging about cutting back on the internet. But if it makes it better, I wrote all this down in my journal last night first. I'm just retyping it here because I want it on my blog. I am not abandoning the internet, I'm just going to spend a little more time away from it. That's all.
I'm going to read more and journal more. I'm going to have more face-to-face conversations and maybe even talk on the phone more (gasp!). I'm going to pray more and think more. I'm going to exercise more and sleep more.
Like I said before, I'm not going to completely cut the internet out of my life, but I think I need to seriously limit how much I use technology. And reevaluate how I use technology. Because while many pictures of baby animals are adorable, tumblr really isn't the best way I can spend my time. I'm not eliminating it (obviously), but I am going to cut back.
I feel like I'm at this point in my life where the world is completely open to me. I can choose to do whatever I want. And I don't think the internet is what I want my life to become.

a dream journal

I know everyone hates listening to other people talk about their dreams. I kind of do, too. But, last night I had a really vivid dream, and I don't usually analyze my dreams all that much, but this particular dream seemed to have so many metaphorical resonances that I couldn't help it.

The dream started where I really wanted to go see Emma, but she lives like five hours away and I don't have a car. So my mom decided to mail me a car. A red VW bug. I got the car and it was super adorably cute. But it wasn't an automatic so I didn't know how to drive it. My mom was explaining how to drive it over the phone and I ended up in the middle of a busy road with cars rushing past me. Then I drove straight into a lake and got stuck. An old-ish, grandpa-ish guy came down in a hang-glider thing and rescued me out of the car. We were flying up over the lake and I was freaking out because I was just holding on to this metal bar and I was afraid I was going to fall. We flew over the lake and got to this little secluded lagoon and there was a man sitting in a wheelchair on a little boat. He was getting ready to go surfing or something. The old man and I were worried that the other man was going to get hurt since he was by himself. We landed in the water to try to help him, but he thought we were trying to hurt him, so he got really mad and started yelling at us.
Using several different internet sources, along with my own ideas, this is how I analyzed my dream:

1. The Red Car I Failed At Driving: I think that the car is important because it allows you to move about and get from place to place. As I've been frantically trying to figure out how I'm going to go from Cottey to a nursing school or whatever else it is, I feel like I'm stuck. I also was pretty annoyed when I went to bed last night, so that's probably why the car was red, representing anger or frustration. So basically, I want to be in control of my life, but I'm stuck and it's making me angry.

2. The Lake: The lake in my dream wasn't particularly choppy, but it wasn't completely still either. I think that it probably represents the obstacles I've been facing. I've been driving my car along and I run into a lake is basically the same thing as me living my life and going along and then get stuck in this transferring nonsense.

3. Flying with an Old, Experienced, Flyer: This seems obvious. I need someone older, wiser, and more experienced to help me out of my lake. So basically, I should ask for help when I need it, and someone who knows what they're doing will help me along.

4. Finding and Trying to Help the Disabled Man: I know that I help people out a lot. I often try to seek out people who are hurting or need assistance in some way. This is why I want to become a nurse: to help people out of the water in any way I can. I also worry a lot about people who are attempting things that I think are impossible.

5. Man Yelling At Me: Clearly, I need to back off and try not to help out so much. People are perfectly capable of living the way they want to. It's not my responsibility to make sure everything is running smoothly for everyone. This makes so much sense for so many reasons that I don't need to get into on the internet.

I don't usually care too much about dream interpretation, but this dream was just so fantastically metaphorical that I couldn't not analyze it. Clearly, my brain is super stressed and confused and would like me to stop helping other people and rely on others for a change.

airplane thoughts

Having been on ten different flights in the past two weeks, I've spent a bit of time contemplating and observing people in airports and on airplanes. Airplane flights are so interesting to me because you basically get a huge group of strangers all in one isolated place. No one can just get up and leave in the middle of the flight. You are basically forced into a community.
People are weird when they are forced to interact with strangers. Some people get really chatty and want to tell their entire life story to whomever will listen. Some people avoid eye contact with others at all costs. It's such an interesting thing because you can essentially be whatever you want to be for an entire flight and no one will know if that's really the real you or not.
Airplane flights are these unique shared experiences. And I think there's something beautiful in that. You get the privilege of spending time with a random sampling of humanity. Sometimes it leaves you feeling empowered and encouraged. Sometimes it makes you embarrassed and depressed. But whatever it does, you have spent some part of your life with these people in a tiny space, 40,000 feet in the air. It's crazy amazing.
I'm not really sure if any of these thoughts are making sense. My mind is sort of all over the place tonight. I'm back at school and I don't want to be. I'm not ready to do all of this school stuff and future stuff. I'm scared and nervous and exhausted. I'm basically on the brink of this huge decision-making process and I'm not entirely sure that I'm going to make the right choice. Even though I know that no decision is inherently wrong. I just have to make the best of whatever direction my life takes. Which sounds like cheesy bs, but I don't think it is.
I can do this. I think. Maybe.
I just have to figure out what "this" is...

truths

I've been thinking a lot lately about what on earth I'm doing with my life. I kind of tend to do this a lot normally, but since I'm turning 20 this week, I've been thinking about it even more. I'm like actually going to be an adult. I'm going to be in my 20s. That's crazy.
Anyway, I was inspired by this article from Hello Giggles, and Kayla, who showed it to me, to write my own truths. What it is that makes me who I am. I haven't actually thought this through at all, so we'll just see what happens.

1. Family is very important to me. My family has influenced me kind of a lot. They are my favorite people. I realize that I am super lucky to have such intelligent, supportive parents. I know not everyone has this. But really, I believe that they would support me in anything as long as I am happy and healthy. And then there's the sister, who loves me more than anything. And the brother, who has taught me more about myself than probably anyone else in my life. I love my family and what happens with my family deeply affects me. I hope to also have a husband and children of my own someday. I just love family because it's messy and disfunctional, but also really beautiful at the same time.

2. I listen. Seriously, I'm basically always listening. If there are people having a conversation in the next room, I'm listening. If my best friend has a crisis and needs to talk through it, I'm listening. If there's music playing, I'm listening. If there's a clock ticking, I'm listening (and going slightly insane haha). I have learned a lot about people from what I've heard. Not only do I listen, but I also remember. I think because I listen so much, when I finally do have something to say I get really frustrated when people don't listen to me. And I can tell when someone isn't really listening to me. Sometimes I forget that not everyone listens as much as I do. But seriously, you should try listening more. It's amazing what you'll hear.

3. I am a follower of Jesus Christ. I know that everyone gets all tense the moment someone brings up religion Christianity on the internet. I know. I see it all the time. And I know there are reasons for it. I get really annoyed when people use the bible as an excuse to judge other people, which is not what it's all about for me. I believe in loving God and loving people, which is what I think Christianity is all about. My faith is not always 100% absolute. I've had my days of doubts. But really, when it all comes down to it, I believe that God has been there for me and continues to guide my life. I am also pretty open about talking about religion, but I don't usually bring it up first, because I know it has all kinds of negative connotations with a lot of people. I don't hide my beliefs, but I also don't jump down people's throats when they say they don't believe in God.

4. I don't know where I'd be without music. I've always loved music and felt it really personally. My mom signed me up for dance classes when I was 3 because I would always dance around the house to whatever music played. Gradually my interest in dance shifted to piano, and I've been taking piano lessons for the past twelve years. There is something so amazing about getting lost in a piano piece. And when you get to the point where you can just close your eyes and feel the music your fingers are making. It's such catharsis. Maybe this sounds cheesy, but it's true. I also listen to a lot of music. Personally, I like simple music. Just vocals and acoustic guitar or solo piano. I think some of the most gorgeous music is music that is raw and real, not overly produced. Listening to music has gotten me through many difficult days. I know this all sounds cliche, but it's just so true.

5. Sometimes I think my life is just one giant cliche, but this is probably from reading too much YA literature in middle school. I certainly don't regret that, though. YA novels are my favorite. And they truly did keep me from falling apart when a lot of other things in life were. Basically, I hope to one day meet/thank Judy Blume, Sarah Dessen, Meg Cabot, Sharon Creech, Beverly Cleary, Ann Brashares, Deb Caletti, Joan Bauer, Carl Hiaasen, Laurie Halse Anderson, E. L. Konigsburg, Jerry Spinelli, Lois Lowry and countless others who changed my adolescence.

6. I need to be needed. I take care of others. I can't help it. That is who I am. And I love it. I am glad when I can help others. When I feel like I am in a place where people don't need me, I feel awkward. It's almost as if there is no reason for me to be there.

7. I don't want to be famous. It seems like everyone wants to be well-known. I don't. I like working in the background. I like making a difference, and while getting credit is sometimes nice, it's not always necessary. It's okay when what I do goes unnoticed. I don't need everyone to know who I am, just family and friends. Sure, I like it when people like what I write on the internet, but I'm mostly writing for me, and if other people like it, great! But it's not mandatory in my life. I would rather not live in the spotlight.

8. I have a really hard time letting things go. When something bothers me, or there's some kind of injustice, I fixate on it. All the time. I cannot let it go. There are things that happened to me years ago that I still think about a lot. I think of all the ways that things could have gone better. If I don't get closure, I will basically think about it forever. I will remember it forever. This is probably the thing I like least about myself.

9. I don't need to know why. Most of the time, when I ask a question, I just want to know what the answer is. I'm not looking for a big long explanation, I just want the answer. If it doesn't make sense, then I'll maybe look for a basic explanation, but usually I just want an answer. So constantly debating hypothetical things that don't have an answer doesn't appeal to me. I'm usually satisfied with a simple answer or no answer at all rather than a huge hypothetical explanation.

10. I work hard and I get frustrated when others don't. This is pretty much self-explanatory. I get my work done and do what's expected of me. If you don't, then I'm usually inclined to think you're lazy and I don't have a lot of patience for that.

11. I have body issues. And this is possibly the first time I've admitted this publicly. It's really hard for me to talk about. I have a hard time loving what I look like when everywhere I go popular culture tells me I'm a failure for weighing what I do. I have struggled with this for years. I'm getting better, but I will probably struggle with this for the rest of my life.

12. I am kind of extremely emotional. I cry a lot. I cry at movies, I cry when I read, I cry when people tell me sad stories. I cry when I am sad or angry or happy. I cried when I wrote this blog post. I am rather sensitive.

13. I love taking surveys/questionnaires. This is probably why I've taken a Meyers-Briggs personality test dozens of times (I'm an ISFJ just in case you were wondering, and this is super accurate). I love filling in bubbles on multiple choice tests. I love learning more about myself and others from surveys and tests. I think it's super interesting.

14. I love lists and analyzing data. Both of my parents were actuaries. I'm certain this has something to do with why my siblings and I love making spreadsheets and lists for fun. It's a children of actuaries problem. I will one day start a support group.

15. I don't like taking risks. I would much rather live in my own safe little world than jump out of an airplane. But I do surprise myself sometimes. For instance, I did go to college 2000 miles away from home. And it turned out so great I should probably just take risks all the time (this is extreme sarcasm). I get scared of change. But I am also getting better at this.

16. I don't actually know what I'm doing even though I pretend I do. I love it when people think I have it all figured out. I don't really have anything figured out. But I like pretending that I do. Sometimes that's all you can do.

So that's me, as of this moment. But I'm still growing and constantly changing (even though I say I don't like it). If you read this and felt inspired, feel free to write your own truths. It's kinda fun. And a little bit of a challenge.

saturday night thoughts

I can't believe I've only been back at school for two weeks. It feels like an eternity. It feels like I never left. Did I even go home? Did Christmas break really even happen? I don't know. It certainly doesn't feel like it. I've just been an exhausted bundle of emotions practically since I came back to school. I was expecting to be overwhelmed and emotional, but not for the reasons that I am. I thought I was going to be completely wrapped up in myself and what I needed to do with my life. Instead, I've hardly thought about it. Well, I guess that's not true, it just doesn't feel like as big a deal as it did before. Mostly I've thought about my family and the nature of life and faith and strength and courage and confusion and a whole mess of jumbled thoughts that really don't make a whole lot of sense.
I think the hardest thing has been getting it into my head that everything that happened actually happened. Goodness, that's a vague sentence. Basically what I mean is that it's hard for me to comprehend that my dad actually had a brain tumor and that he's been in the hospital for almost two weeks and that he had brain surgery and all of that. I think part of the difficulty for me is that I haven't been home. I haven't seen him in the hospital. I haven't seen the pain and the fear in his eyes. And in my mom. I've only experienced all of this from far away. I don't know what it's like to actually be there. And I will never know. My experience is completely different from my family. From everyone. And that is really isolating. I feel like no one can relate to how I feel right now. And maybe that makes me sound like an emo teenager, but that's how it feels. I don't know. I'm just trying to wrap my brain over all of this and make sense of it all. But it's almost impossible.
And as much as I am focused on my family, there are so many other things that have happened in the last two weeks. I mean, I'm at this school where I'm not happy at all. I'm actually feeling pretty bitter about the whole college experience thus far. I just feel like I didn't get the school that was presented to me. I feel ripped off. I thought this was going to be so wonderful, but it's really not at all what I was expecting. Like, why don't people think that going to class is important? Why do people get so caught up in all of the stupid, petty drama? I don't know. The lack of maturity among students on this campus astounds me. It's pathetic. And I'm almost embarrassed that I went here. That I go here.
It certainly hasn't been all bad. I've met some really wonderful women and I hope to remain friends with them for the rest of my life. But it also breaks my heart because we all live so far away from each other. It's unlikely that our paths will cross again accidentally. We're going to really have to work to see each other. And I think we will, because it's important. It's just one thing they don't talk about when presenting a two-year school. You only have two years to get to know each other (less time if certain people are so unhappy with the school that they choose not to come back for a second year). Only two years. And really, for the majority of my friends, I only had a semester. Four measly months. That's not enough time.
So here I am. Listening to sad music and thinking about life on a Saturday night. Life of a stressed introvert. Life is so short. It just seems so unfair. But no one said it was fair. These feelings will pass and life will go on. We will all make it through this and feel content for a while. Until the next disaster strikes. And we will face that one like the one before it. Because what choice do we have?

introvert conundrum

I think I'm starting to realize why I'm having such a problem with my future plans.  I'm an introvert.  I'm a shy introvert.  I don't ever feel comfortable talking to people who I don't really know.  I never know what to say and I feel like I always say the wrong things.  The problem is that all of the careers I'm interested in involve working with strangers.  So I'm feeling super conflicted.  It's like I'm struggling against myself.  I know that I would be good at nursing or social work or something like that.  But the thought of having to talk to people all day long and advocate for people and talk to strangers all the time freaks me out.  But I don't know what I would do instead.
I don't particularly want to work at a cubicle in a giant office doing paperwork or whatever.  I want to do something hands-on where I can see that I'm making a difference.  So it seems as though I would be well-suited to working with people as a nurse or a social worker or something like that.  But I'm just afraid that I'm not extroverted enough.  I'm worried that I will be really bad at it until I get comfortable.  And I don't know how long it will take for me to feel comfortable.
Sometimes I think that life would be a whole lot easier if I was an extrovert.  I would have lots of friends and I would feel comfortable talking to all kinds of people.  But then of course I wouldn't be me.  And I know that I'm pretty wonderful (or so my mother tells me).  I just wish that I was a me who felt totally comfortable talking to strangers.

future question mark

I've been so scared lately. I don't know what I'm doing with my life. Yes, I realize that most people don't know what they're doing with their lives.  And I know I'm still very young and I have plenty of time to figure it out. But it's a scary feeling nonetheless.
I'm graduating with an Associates degree in May.  I don't know what I'm doing after that.  I thought that I had it all figured out. I was going to transfer to a nursing school closer to home and become a nurse, find a man, get married, raise a family.  But I'm starting to discover that it's a whole lot more complicated than that.
I've never really had a job.  I've only ever gone to school. I'm really good at going to school.  I'm good at doing homework and studying and writing papers and all that stuff.  I don't know if I'll be any good at having a job.  I'm starting to think that I'm silly for thinking I want to be a nurse.  What do I know about it?  Very little.  I get scared talking to strangers.  I don't know enough to take care of people.  Can I really help people?  I just don't know.  I'm just doubting myself.  I know that most of these things can be taught and learned.  But I'm scared.  I always freak out about things.  They usually work out, but it's so hard for me to see that.  I just get stuck in the freak out.
I'm second guessing myself about the whole nursing thing.  But I don't know what I'd do instead.  Like, what else could I major in?  Long pause while I think about it.  Yeah, I've got nothing.
I really just want to be a wife and mother.  But then I feel like I could do so much more.  Like what was the point of going to school for the past fifteen years if all I'm going to do is be a wife and mother?  I don't want it to be a waste.
I just don't know I don't know I don't know.