I've been so busy and stressed lately that I haven't even thought about what I'm doing with the rest of my life. Like that whole thing I was freaking out about when I started this blog. I don't have time or energy to deal with that now. I am barely able to fit all of the normal stuff into my day. But I guess it's good that I'm busy. Because it's the moments when I'm not doing anything that I start having crazy, scary thoughts.
I feel like I'm in a sort of limbo state. I'm going through the motions and doing what I'm supposed to because that's what I do. But I would so much like to curl up in bed and cry and sleep and cry and sleep. But then I remember that my dad has to stay in bed. He can't leave his bed in the hospital at all, not even for a second, for the next two weeks. I've never known what it's like to not be able to leave my bed. And honestly, I've never thought about it before. But there are many many people who are bedridden. That would be so horrible, being trapped by your bed. I would hate that. I love sleep and relaxation and the comfort I get from my bed, but I would hate to be forced to stay in it.
I feel like I have so many thoughts and feelings but I'm not letting myself think or feel them because I'm afraid I'll get stuck. I'm afraid that if I think too hard I'll go crazy. This is so hard.
Showing posts with label Dad. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Dad. Show all posts
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
feeling helpless
So, when I started this blog, I came up with the title as a quote from Hagrid in Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. "What's coming will come and we'll meet it when it does." I just had no idea what would be coming.
I don't know what God's doing with my family. There are just so many things I don't understand. I mean last year while I was away for my first year of college, my dad lost his job. His steady job that he'd had for the last 26 years. And it was so shocking. It was so unexpected. But it happened and it was scary at first, but after a year has gone by things were starting to feel almost normal again. He figured out what he was going to do with his time.
But now here we are a little over a year after he lost his job and now he's in the hospital. In the ICU. Where he has to stay for the next two weeks at least. Because of a brain bleed. And we don't know what caused it or why it happened. But it's just scary. He's in pain and he's nauseous and it's just awful. I feel so bad for him and I wish I could rush home and take care of everyone. Because that's what I do. But I'm 2000 miles away. And even if I was home, there's not a whole lot I could do. I just feel so helpless. And that's probably because I am helpless.
I have to believe that God is in control. He has a plan. And he hasn't let us down thus far, so there's no reason to think that he will now.
Maybe this is his way of teaching me that I need to take better care of myself. I can't be the one to take care of everyone else and I shouldn't feel that responsibility. And I just need to trust in him because he will get us through this even though it seems so scary now.
And I just hope that my dad will regain all function and that things will get better. And that somehow my family will be able to afford the medical bills. But there's no use worrying about it right now. What's coming will come, and, through the grace of God, we'll meet it when it does.
I don't know what God's doing with my family. There are just so many things I don't understand. I mean last year while I was away for my first year of college, my dad lost his job. His steady job that he'd had for the last 26 years. And it was so shocking. It was so unexpected. But it happened and it was scary at first, but after a year has gone by things were starting to feel almost normal again. He figured out what he was going to do with his time.
But now here we are a little over a year after he lost his job and now he's in the hospital. In the ICU. Where he has to stay for the next two weeks at least. Because of a brain bleed. And we don't know what caused it or why it happened. But it's just scary. He's in pain and he's nauseous and it's just awful. I feel so bad for him and I wish I could rush home and take care of everyone. Because that's what I do. But I'm 2000 miles away. And even if I was home, there's not a whole lot I could do. I just feel so helpless. And that's probably because I am helpless.
I have to believe that God is in control. He has a plan. And he hasn't let us down thus far, so there's no reason to think that he will now.
Maybe this is his way of teaching me that I need to take better care of myself. I can't be the one to take care of everyone else and I shouldn't feel that responsibility. And I just need to trust in him because he will get us through this even though it seems so scary now.
And I just hope that my dad will regain all function and that things will get better. And that somehow my family will be able to afford the medical bills. But there's no use worrying about it right now. What's coming will come, and, through the grace of God, we'll meet it when it does.
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