sadness, caring, and love

I feel really sad and hurt and angry and all kinds of things right now for a variety of reasons and I feel like I need to write something. But I have no idea what I'm going to write or if I should even post it on the internet. I probably shouldn't. But I'll make that decision when I'm done writing.

Anyway, today I had to get HIV/AIDS training. It's required for health care professionals (and it's super weird to me that I will one day soon be a health care professional). Anyway, this training consisted of spending seven hours talking about HIV/AIDS and watching two different movies. I don't know that I learned anything new. Say what you will about public school health classes, but my high school and middle school did a pretty good job teaching this stuff. I consider myself to be pretty well-informed on the subject. But I am fortunate enough that it's not something I think about on a daily basis. I don't have to think about it. I know that I'm taking sufficient precautions to prevent getting HIV myself and I don't really know anyone that has it. So it's sort of in the back of my mind and I think about it when we talk about it in church or school and then I feel kinda bad and donate a little money and then move on with my life. I get that I'm super lucky that I can do that.
But today, I am overcome with sadness. It sucks that there are millions of people worldwide living with this terrible thing. It sucks that it just keeps spreading and that people are still ignorant about it. And I just want to make it stop. I just want to help all of the people who are sick and who are dying. But I can't. There's only one of me and I don't have the resources to help. So all I can really do right now is pray.

One thing that I've become really aware of over this past week as I've started my CNA training is that there are some things that are outside my comfort zone. I'm scared of strangers in general. I'm an introvert. Talking to new people is hard. But I realize that this is something I have to get over in order to love and care for all people.
I don't know how much I've talked about this, but I'm positive that God is calling me to be a nurse. I'm certain that this is what I'm meant to do. I'm meant to show God's love to everyone. I'm meant to take care of people. And this is something I have to do, even though I might be insecure about it. Even though I'm sort of terrified. How can little introverted me talk to strangers all day long? But if God used Moses (another introvert) he can certainly use me.

So I got home from school and talking about AIDS and having all of these thoughts and I went on tumblr. I was just scrolling through my dashboard like usual and came across several posts about how Christians hate everyone and don't want God to bless anyone other than themselves and generally just how Christians suck and all of that. And it's really nothing I've never heard before. I agree that some Christians are not very good at showing God's love. I get it. I'm so sorry that some Christians say and do things contrary to Christ's love. I know why we have this awful reputation.

But it hurts my feelings that people think that I hate everyone. Because I don't hate anyone. And I don't believe God does either.

Sorry if this sounds like some poor Christian crying about being discriminated against. I'm not trying to whine. But my heart is so full right now and I'm just overwhelmed with how much I care about people. I'm overwhelmed with how much God has made me care. I don't hate you. I never will. And God never will either.

cleaning thoughts

Since moving back home, I've started noticing all kinds of little (and big) projects that need to get done around the house that no one has really been doing since everyone is busy. So I've attempted to tackle some of them. My current project is cleaning out the wrapping paper storage area. This might not sound like a huge job, but trust me, it is. It's like this huge conglomeration of tissue paper and ribbons and gift boxes and bags. There's just stuff everywhere and no detectable organization. So I took it upon myself to go through everything. Since starting this project, I've had a lot of thoughts:

1. I would like it to be Christmas right now.
2. I've had a lot of good Christmases and birthdays and celebrations in my life and even though my family is messy and complicated we've had some really good times together. And we really do love each other, even through some questionable gift giving.
3. People die. Even people you love. And when you see their handwriting on an old gift bag you will cry.
4. I can't wait to play Santa for my future children. I can't wait to see their faces as they open the perfect gift on Christmas morning or on their birthday. Being the Easter bunny will be super fun, too.
5. Some depressing thoughts about consumerism. (I have practically a whole room full of stuff to wrap other stuff. It's kind of disgusting.)
6. I miss being a little kid.
7. Life moves so fast.

an update of sorts

I've spent most of the day in my room on my computer. There's this really great and addicting stupid game called jewelanche and I'm trying to get to level 30 (I think I'm at level 20 right now). I feel slightly pathetic for how much time I've spent on this game (it's kind of like all of those other gem games like Bejeweled and whatever). I feel like I wasted a day. I sort of did waste a day.
However, I still went to church and made dinner for my family and went for a run. Yes, I went for a run. I never thought that I would say that. Now, I wasn't running the entire time, but I still ran. I'm not a fast runner, but I still did it. And I think maybe eventually I might even like running. Gosh, who am I? I don't even know anymore.
Even though I've mostly been a lazy bum all day, I'm still proud of myself. This week has been the first week of my "Thinking about Life Differently" week. I've been super conscious about what I eat and how much exercise I do. And I lost 4 pounds this week. It's not a huge number, but I'm so proud of it. And I'm determined to keep working on being healthy. It's so satisfying to know that I'm doing things now that will help me be healthier and happier later. It's basically the smartest investment ever.
This past week I also wanted to spend more time with God. I made an effort, but wasn't completely successful. It's so hard to get that into my routine. And I hate that it is because like, hello, it's God. I should be focusing all of my life on God, not just when it fits into my schedule. I just feel really alone in my faith right now and it's hard. I was talking to my mom about this yesterday actually. I just don't have any Christian peers. I would love to be able to be a part of a young adult bible study or something, but there just isn't one at my church. And changing churches is something I don't think I can handle right now. I just feel like I'm missing out on the community aspect of faith.
In other news, I started my job working with the babies at, coincidentally, a community bible study. I was super nervous (and I still am, to be honest) but I'm mostly just an assistant so I just make sure the babies don't like fall over and I try to entertain them. It's mostly fun. I thought that this would make me want to be a mom even more than I already do. But it's definitely made me want to wait quite a while before that happens. If I have to wait another decade, I can certainly handle it. I still love babies, but I'm going to wait on that for a while. A long while.
So that's about it for now. I have one more week before classes start. I am going to get my room all clean and organized this week. I have to or I will be so disoriented all quarter. And I'm not going to spend all week on the computer. I promise.

stupid things

I hate when I do stupid things. I hate when I have the best intentions and then things don't work out. For example, today I woke up early. Way earlier than I needed to. So I decided I would wash my sheets. I gathered all of my sheets and blankets and such and put them in the washing machine. Twenty minutes later, I couldn't find my ipod. I found it in the washing machine. It's been sitting in a container of rice since then, but as of now it still doesn't work on its own.
It was just such a stupid thing for me to do and I kind of hate myself. I just spent more money than I would have liked on school tuition, and now I'm pretty broke. I did get a job, but it's so teeny tiny that even if I save everything I make it still won't make much of a difference. I can't afford to just buy a new ipod. I wouldn't feel like a responsible adult if I did buy one. It's just kind of an unnecessary extravagance.
I'm also so mad because I was just starting to get into a routine where I listen to certain songs before sleeping. It was really calming me down and helping me focus on God before falling asleep. I wasn't feeling so panicked about life and I was sleeping much better. Now that my ipod isn't playing I can't really do that.
I know this is all so trivial in the grand scheme of things. But it was just a simple aspect of my life that really made me happy. I love music so much. And I know everyone loves music, and it's cliched and whatever to say that. But I really do love music. It's a huge part of my life. And I'm hugely disappointed that I have to alter how I listen to music.
I'm just going to hope that after sitting in rice all night it will decide to turn back on and start playing again.

self-improvement

A lot in my life is changing and I'm entering this weird new phase that's completely different from anything else I've experienced thus far. On the one hand, I'm super excited about it all. On the other, I'm kind of terrified. But it's really awesome to become a real live grown up person.
Anyway, I've been sort of feeling overwhelmed and unsure and stressed and emotional and all that fun stuff. I'm trying to make a plan so that I'm in the best place possible for the rest of the year (and the rest of my life, but that's kind of far ahead to plan). I'm trying to set reasonable goals that will increase my inner peace (I never say stuff like that, but that's basically what I'm trying to achieve).
So, starting next Monday (September 10), I will

1. Wake up by 8 every day.
2. Stretch and walk/run/jog at least three mornings and two evenings every week.
3. Spend each night falling asleep while praying and listening to Jon Foreman/JJ Heller/other Christian music.
4. Keep a food journal.
5. Read the Bible and journal at least four days a week.
6. Limit internet usage (I'm not sure what the exact details of that will be, basically don't spend more than an hour online at a time and don't check the internet first thing when I wake up).
7. Clean and organize room and keep it that way
8. Play piano at least three times a week
9. Read more books
10. Be in bed by midnight, sleeping by 1
11. Do unexpected nice things for people
12. Organize school stuff and (once school starts) make up a consistent study schedule

That's all I can think of at the moment, but I'm trying to be really excited about this next part of my life :)