It's been quite a while since I last blogged and life just keeps on happening. I graduated. No longer have to worry about Cottey. I can begin the process of moving on. I'll get there eventually.
Now I'm in this weird part of life that I've never experienced before. This is the first time that I haven't had anything planned out. I'm not in school, at least for the moment, and I don't know where I'm going next. I don't have a job, although I am working on that. So I don't know what my life is going to look like a month from now. And definitely not a year from now. But I guess no one ever really does. They just think they do.
I might be terrified at all of these unknowns. Maybe I should be terrified. But I guess I'm not. What's coming will come and I will meet it when it does. I don't have any other choice. I'm just going to take it one day at a time. I'm going to pray and hopefully be able to hear what God wants for my life. That's my intended focus. I know it's not always easy, but I'm really going to try.
This blog post is pretty short. I guess I don't have much more to say right now. I'm sure I will have more to say soon. Because I have a feeling this next year is going to be a crazy one. I'm just not sure how yet.
Thursday, May 24, 2012
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
no regrets
I finished up with schoolwork for the semester today, which means I'm done with school at this school. Which is super weird. When I got here in August of 2010, I never thought how I would feel when it was all over. I was so caught up in the feelings of a new location and a new phase. I didn't think about the ending. Which is natural. We don't like to think about endings, especially when things are first beginning.
But everything ends. Sometimes we're happy when things end and sometimes we're sad. And usually it's a mixture between them.
At this point, I'm feeling relieved and proud and sad and happy and anxious. That about sums it up. I'm relieved that I've made it to this point and that I don't have to do schoolwork for the near future. I'm proud that I made it through these past two years even though everything crazy happened. But I made it through and I kind of kicked butt. I'm sad to be leaving my friends and my room (because my room has been my favorite this year). I'm happy to leave a lot of things about this place. I'm happy I never have to deal with them anymore. Ever. And I'm super anxious because I don't know what's next. Life is big and crazy and scary and I don't know what I'm doing. But no one really does, so you just kind of fake it until you can figure it out. At least that's my plan.
There have been lots of things that happened in these last two years that have made me sort of bitter about the whole experience. About a month ago I was at the point where I hated almost everything about what this school has put me through. I was so frustrated and angry and I wished that I had never come here. While I'm still frustrated and a little angry, I can't change the decision I made two years ago. I left home and went to school in the middle of nowhere. These last two years have definitely had an impact on my life. I'm not the same person I was in 2010. And that's a good thing. That's an excellent thing. I like myself a whole lot more now. I like the person I'm becoming. I still have a quite a ways to go until I've fully become that person, but I'm getting there.
Basically at this point I can't believe that I'm leaving this place in four days and never coming back. I mean, that's crazy. Time is weird.
Anyway, through all of the madness, I don't regret coming here. I can't regret coming here. You couldn't pay me enough to come back for two more years, but I don't regret these past two years. Because I love my new friends more than I ever thought possible. I don't know where I would be without them. I love that I proved to myself that I don't need someone to take care of me. I can be a responsible adult. Which isn't actually that surprising, but to 2010 Me it kind of is.
So here I am, up really late and worrying about the future. Just like old times. But unlike old times, I realize that no matter what decisions I take I can come out a stronger, happier person.
But everything ends. Sometimes we're happy when things end and sometimes we're sad. And usually it's a mixture between them.
At this point, I'm feeling relieved and proud and sad and happy and anxious. That about sums it up. I'm relieved that I've made it to this point and that I don't have to do schoolwork for the near future. I'm proud that I made it through these past two years even though everything crazy happened. But I made it through and I kind of kicked butt. I'm sad to be leaving my friends and my room (because my room has been my favorite this year). I'm happy to leave a lot of things about this place. I'm happy I never have to deal with them anymore. Ever. And I'm super anxious because I don't know what's next. Life is big and crazy and scary and I don't know what I'm doing. But no one really does, so you just kind of fake it until you can figure it out. At least that's my plan.
There have been lots of things that happened in these last two years that have made me sort of bitter about the whole experience. About a month ago I was at the point where I hated almost everything about what this school has put me through. I was so frustrated and angry and I wished that I had never come here. While I'm still frustrated and a little angry, I can't change the decision I made two years ago. I left home and went to school in the middle of nowhere. These last two years have definitely had an impact on my life. I'm not the same person I was in 2010. And that's a good thing. That's an excellent thing. I like myself a whole lot more now. I like the person I'm becoming. I still have a quite a ways to go until I've fully become that person, but I'm getting there.
Basically at this point I can't believe that I'm leaving this place in four days and never coming back. I mean, that's crazy. Time is weird.
Anyway, through all of the madness, I don't regret coming here. I can't regret coming here. You couldn't pay me enough to come back for two more years, but I don't regret these past two years. Because I love my new friends more than I ever thought possible. I don't know where I would be without them. I love that I proved to myself that I don't need someone to take care of me. I can be a responsible adult. Which isn't actually that surprising, but to 2010 Me it kind of is.
So here I am, up really late and worrying about the future. Just like old times. But unlike old times, I realize that no matter what decisions I take I can come out a stronger, happier person.
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
grief
Grief hits at odd times. I know that everything is connected and we live to make connections. It's how we understand our world. But sometimes my brain makes connections that I'm not quite expecting and then BAM. Grief.
Last time I blogged I wrote about the girl who went to my school last year who died in a car accident. So then I started thinking about things ending and life and death and all kinds of things. And then yesterday, I'm sitting in the quiet study room quietly studying all of the impacts of the Cold War on America from 1945-1991, and suddenly I start thinking about my aunt. My aunt who died of breast cancer in 2002.
I do tend to think about her from time to time, but it's not really grief anymore. At least, not until yesterday. Usually I just think of memories. I remember little silly (or not so silly) things that have to do with her. But yesterday, I just sat and thought, "I want to go to her house and see her right now." And the fact that I can't made me want to cry. I don't know why I all of a sudden want to see her. But I just really do.
Since this happened yesterday, I've been thinking about her a lot (I mean, in between studying for finals). I wonder if she's proud of me. I mean, obviously she's proud of me. She would be proud of whatever I decided to do with my life. That's just the sort of aunt she was. I wonder how I would look at the world if she was still alive. How would I be different? I wonder what she would say to me today. I just really want a hug from her.
I don't know why I feel this way now. I haven't felt like this about her in at least five years, probably longer. It's not close to any significant holiday involving her. It's not her birthday or her death day or any holiday. So why do I miss her so much this week? I don't know. I will probably never know.
Grief is weird. Loss is crazy. Life is hard.
Last time I blogged I wrote about the girl who went to my school last year who died in a car accident. So then I started thinking about things ending and life and death and all kinds of things. And then yesterday, I'm sitting in the quiet study room quietly studying all of the impacts of the Cold War on America from 1945-1991, and suddenly I start thinking about my aunt. My aunt who died of breast cancer in 2002.
I do tend to think about her from time to time, but it's not really grief anymore. At least, not until yesterday. Usually I just think of memories. I remember little silly (or not so silly) things that have to do with her. But yesterday, I just sat and thought, "I want to go to her house and see her right now." And the fact that I can't made me want to cry. I don't know why I all of a sudden want to see her. But I just really do.
Since this happened yesterday, I've been thinking about her a lot (I mean, in between studying for finals). I wonder if she's proud of me. I mean, obviously she's proud of me. She would be proud of whatever I decided to do with my life. That's just the sort of aunt she was. I wonder how I would look at the world if she was still alive. How would I be different? I wonder what she would say to me today. I just really want a hug from her.
I don't know why I feel this way now. I haven't felt like this about her in at least five years, probably longer. It's not close to any significant holiday involving her. It's not her birthday or her death day or any holiday. So why do I miss her so much this week? I don't know. I will probably never know.
Grief is weird. Loss is crazy. Life is hard.
Sunday, May 6, 2012
the ends of things
I suppose it is natural for me to be thinking about the ends of things considering the circumstances. I'm graduating and moving on to something completely different and (sort of) yet to be determined. But I wasn't really thinking about things ending until I heard tonight that someone who went to my school last year died in a car accident. I didn't know her really at all. I mean, I knew who she was. It's hard not to know everybody at a school this size. But I never had a conversation with her. I never had a class with her. So I guess I'm not really mourning her because I never knew her. But I'm mourning that her life ended so young. Everything ends. But why did her life have to end so soon? I don't know. I guess the same reason lots of things end before we're ready for them to. Friendships and other relationships end often before we're ready to let go. Childhood ends before we feel all grown up. People die before we're ready to say goodbye.
If everything is so temporary, why do I freak out about everything so much? I'm only on this earth for a short time and then I won't be anymore. In 100 years nothing I do or say now will have an effect on anyone. I don't really know where I'm going with these thoughts. Mostly I'm just thinking out loud (or at least in writing).
Anyway, in a week I am leaving this school forever. Everything about this place will be over for me. It will now only exist in my memories. For some reason, this feels a lot different than leaving high school did. I'm not sure why. I think maybe because my home is still two blocks from my high school. I'm coming back home and I'm sure, in some respects, it will feel like I never left. But I'm not coming back here. I also went to school with the same people I went to high school with for my entire childhood. Even though I don't see most of them anymore, I still feel like they are part of my home. I don't feel the same way about people I met in college. I have only known them for two years, if that. It feels really soon to say goodbye to all of this. But I also feel like I've been here forever.
So basically I'm terrified of my future, but I'm also sort of not. I'm excited. I think. I think I just have to continually remind myself that everything ends and I should make the best of it while it's happening. I know it sounds super cliched, but it's true.
If everything is so temporary, why do I freak out about everything so much? I'm only on this earth for a short time and then I won't be anymore. In 100 years nothing I do or say now will have an effect on anyone. I don't really know where I'm going with these thoughts. Mostly I'm just thinking out loud (or at least in writing).
Anyway, in a week I am leaving this school forever. Everything about this place will be over for me. It will now only exist in my memories. For some reason, this feels a lot different than leaving high school did. I'm not sure why. I think maybe because my home is still two blocks from my high school. I'm coming back home and I'm sure, in some respects, it will feel like I never left. But I'm not coming back here. I also went to school with the same people I went to high school with for my entire childhood. Even though I don't see most of them anymore, I still feel like they are part of my home. I don't feel the same way about people I met in college. I have only known them for two years, if that. It feels really soon to say goodbye to all of this. But I also feel like I've been here forever.
So basically I'm terrified of my future, but I'm also sort of not. I'm excited. I think. I think I just have to continually remind myself that everything ends and I should make the best of it while it's happening. I know it sounds super cliched, but it's true.
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