truths

I've been thinking a lot lately about what on earth I'm doing with my life. I kind of tend to do this a lot normally, but since I'm turning 20 this week, I've been thinking about it even more. I'm like actually going to be an adult. I'm going to be in my 20s. That's crazy.
Anyway, I was inspired by this article from Hello Giggles, and Kayla, who showed it to me, to write my own truths. What it is that makes me who I am. I haven't actually thought this through at all, so we'll just see what happens.

1. Family is very important to me. My family has influenced me kind of a lot. They are my favorite people. I realize that I am super lucky to have such intelligent, supportive parents. I know not everyone has this. But really, I believe that they would support me in anything as long as I am happy and healthy. And then there's the sister, who loves me more than anything. And the brother, who has taught me more about myself than probably anyone else in my life. I love my family and what happens with my family deeply affects me. I hope to also have a husband and children of my own someday. I just love family because it's messy and disfunctional, but also really beautiful at the same time.

2. I listen. Seriously, I'm basically always listening. If there are people having a conversation in the next room, I'm listening. If my best friend has a crisis and needs to talk through it, I'm listening. If there's music playing, I'm listening. If there's a clock ticking, I'm listening (and going slightly insane haha). I have learned a lot about people from what I've heard. Not only do I listen, but I also remember. I think because I listen so much, when I finally do have something to say I get really frustrated when people don't listen to me. And I can tell when someone isn't really listening to me. Sometimes I forget that not everyone listens as much as I do. But seriously, you should try listening more. It's amazing what you'll hear.

3. I am a follower of Jesus Christ. I know that everyone gets all tense the moment someone brings up religion Christianity on the internet. I know. I see it all the time. And I know there are reasons for it. I get really annoyed when people use the bible as an excuse to judge other people, which is not what it's all about for me. I believe in loving God and loving people, which is what I think Christianity is all about. My faith is not always 100% absolute. I've had my days of doubts. But really, when it all comes down to it, I believe that God has been there for me and continues to guide my life. I am also pretty open about talking about religion, but I don't usually bring it up first, because I know it has all kinds of negative connotations with a lot of people. I don't hide my beliefs, but I also don't jump down people's throats when they say they don't believe in God.

4. I don't know where I'd be without music. I've always loved music and felt it really personally. My mom signed me up for dance classes when I was 3 because I would always dance around the house to whatever music played. Gradually my interest in dance shifted to piano, and I've been taking piano lessons for the past twelve years. There is something so amazing about getting lost in a piano piece. And when you get to the point where you can just close your eyes and feel the music your fingers are making. It's such catharsis. Maybe this sounds cheesy, but it's true. I also listen to a lot of music. Personally, I like simple music. Just vocals and acoustic guitar or solo piano. I think some of the most gorgeous music is music that is raw and real, not overly produced. Listening to music has gotten me through many difficult days. I know this all sounds cliche, but it's just so true.

5. Sometimes I think my life is just one giant cliche, but this is probably from reading too much YA literature in middle school. I certainly don't regret that, though. YA novels are my favorite. And they truly did keep me from falling apart when a lot of other things in life were. Basically, I hope to one day meet/thank Judy Blume, Sarah Dessen, Meg Cabot, Sharon Creech, Beverly Cleary, Ann Brashares, Deb Caletti, Joan Bauer, Carl Hiaasen, Laurie Halse Anderson, E. L. Konigsburg, Jerry Spinelli, Lois Lowry and countless others who changed my adolescence.

6. I need to be needed. I take care of others. I can't help it. That is who I am. And I love it. I am glad when I can help others. When I feel like I am in a place where people don't need me, I feel awkward. It's almost as if there is no reason for me to be there.

7. I don't want to be famous. It seems like everyone wants to be well-known. I don't. I like working in the background. I like making a difference, and while getting credit is sometimes nice, it's not always necessary. It's okay when what I do goes unnoticed. I don't need everyone to know who I am, just family and friends. Sure, I like it when people like what I write on the internet, but I'm mostly writing for me, and if other people like it, great! But it's not mandatory in my life. I would rather not live in the spotlight.

8. I have a really hard time letting things go. When something bothers me, or there's some kind of injustice, I fixate on it. All the time. I cannot let it go. There are things that happened to me years ago that I still think about a lot. I think of all the ways that things could have gone better. If I don't get closure, I will basically think about it forever. I will remember it forever. This is probably the thing I like least about myself.

9. I don't need to know why. Most of the time, when I ask a question, I just want to know what the answer is. I'm not looking for a big long explanation, I just want the answer. If it doesn't make sense, then I'll maybe look for a basic explanation, but usually I just want an answer. So constantly debating hypothetical things that don't have an answer doesn't appeal to me. I'm usually satisfied with a simple answer or no answer at all rather than a huge hypothetical explanation.

10. I work hard and I get frustrated when others don't. This is pretty much self-explanatory. I get my work done and do what's expected of me. If you don't, then I'm usually inclined to think you're lazy and I don't have a lot of patience for that.

11. I have body issues. And this is possibly the first time I've admitted this publicly. It's really hard for me to talk about. I have a hard time loving what I look like when everywhere I go popular culture tells me I'm a failure for weighing what I do. I have struggled with this for years. I'm getting better, but I will probably struggle with this for the rest of my life.

12. I am kind of extremely emotional. I cry a lot. I cry at movies, I cry when I read, I cry when people tell me sad stories. I cry when I am sad or angry or happy. I cried when I wrote this blog post. I am rather sensitive.

13. I love taking surveys/questionnaires. This is probably why I've taken a Meyers-Briggs personality test dozens of times (I'm an ISFJ just in case you were wondering, and this is super accurate). I love filling in bubbles on multiple choice tests. I love learning more about myself and others from surveys and tests. I think it's super interesting.

14. I love lists and analyzing data. Both of my parents were actuaries. I'm certain this has something to do with why my siblings and I love making spreadsheets and lists for fun. It's a children of actuaries problem. I will one day start a support group.

15. I don't like taking risks. I would much rather live in my own safe little world than jump out of an airplane. But I do surprise myself sometimes. For instance, I did go to college 2000 miles away from home. And it turned out so great I should probably just take risks all the time (this is extreme sarcasm). I get scared of change. But I am also getting better at this.

16. I don't actually know what I'm doing even though I pretend I do. I love it when people think I have it all figured out. I don't really have anything figured out. But I like pretending that I do. Sometimes that's all you can do.

So that's me, as of this moment. But I'm still growing and constantly changing (even though I say I don't like it). If you read this and felt inspired, feel free to write your own truths. It's kinda fun. And a little bit of a challenge.

in which i get way too involved in a tv show

Basically I'm obsessed with the show Parenthood. I usually love things with giant extended families in it (7th Heaven, Dan in Real Life just to name a few). I don't know what it is about this show, but it's amazing. Seriously.
Anyway, I just watched last night's episode and it was like the best ever. And I'm feeling all the feelings so I thought I should blog about it. There was nothing about this episode that I didn't like. So, let's talk about some of the things (SPOILERS sorry):

1. That whole Crosby and Zeek storyline. Beautiful. I feel like they've done a wonderful job with Crosby's character. I don't really like him and he's sort of annoying, but I think deep down he means well and I think that comes across a lot in this episode. I know what it's like to be afraid when you realize that your parents aren't immortal. It's actually something I've been dealing with lately. And while I'm not as old as Crosby and my parents are not as old as Zeek and Camille, I know that day is coming. Sooner than I would like. It's scary. You want your parents to be there always because they always have been. But they aren't going to be. This whole storyline. Goodness. It just really got to me.
2. Max. Goodness gracious Max. I have a brother who has some similar characteristics to Max and it's just weird to see it all play out on TV. My brother and Max are not the same by any means, but there are so many moments when they break my heart. And, can someone please answer this question: Why are there still PE teachers that have kids pick their own teams? It's possibly the worst form of humiliation to be rejected by your peers so blatantly obviously. It seems like we're so worried about kids' self-esteem that we do all kinds of other things to protect them, why not stop this whole popularity team picking whatever nonsense? Seriously.
3. Drew is so lovely. I absolutely sympathize with him. He's not even an adult yet and his mom is already moving on, or at least that's how he feels. And it's heartbreaking to see. Because he's right. None of this is fair to him.
4. I might be the only person in Parenthood fandom that isn't super excited for Sarah and Mark to have a baby. Can they like get married first please? Or is this something we don't do anymore? I would be okay with them thinking about getting married, but come on, their relationship isn't ready for a child. Does Sarah even make money? She lives with her parents. I think she has enough issues to deal with in her already existing family without bringing a baby into it. I just don't understand why they talk so much about having a baby, but they haven't mentioned getting married. I have a problem with this.
5. Amber and Bob. I'm not okay with Amber and Bob's relationship. It's unprofessional. I've read a lot of comments about how she's 19! and they're both adults! and it's all legal and it's all their business! But I don't think that makes it right. She works for him. Maybe after the campaign. Maybe. And also, just because she's legally an adult doesn't mean that she's necessarily the best at making decisions.
6. Once again, I feel like I'm the only person that totally agrees with/identifies with Kristina. I love Kristina. She got Amber that job and then Amber is in this inappropriate relationship with her boss. Ew. And I don't blame Haddie for being concerned. Goodness, Kristina and Haddie are my favorites.
7. Julia annoys me, but I understand her. I'm kind of tired of this whole baby adoption storyline honestly. I feel like it's been dragged out for too long and nothing is really resolved.
8. Joel is the perfect man. Still.

Okay, I think that's it. This show just does something to me.

trying to let go

I have really been fixating on stuff that really doesn't matter. Basically, there was a lot of stupid drama five months ago. And some things got resolved, but I don't feel like I got any closure. There are some things that I wish I would have said. But now it's too late. I've learned some new things lately about what was going on and it's just hard for me to stop thinking about it. (I'm being super vague for reasons. Also, because the details don't really matter.)
I know that it's not healthy for me to fixate on all of this. It doesn't matter. And in just a few short months it certainly won't matter at all. I just feel like I'm being treated as if it is wrong for me to be friends with the people I'm friends with. And that I'm being blamed for things I didn't actually say or do. But because I care so much about the feelings of others, I've felt so guilty for these past five months. I've felt like the bad guy. And I'm really not. It's making me really angry that after all this time, I'm still being treated as the bad guy, even though I apologized months ago for the minuscule things that I did. But I never got an apology for how I was treated. And I'm never going to get an apology. So why am I still thinking about this? Nothing good is coming from it. It's just stressing me out. I just hate that I'm letting her have this much power over me.
I am trying, really trying, to let it all go. It doesn't matter. I have friends, I am fine. One time I heard someone say that saying "I'll try" is basically the same as saying no. I don't remember where I heard this but for whatever reason it's really stuck with me. I feel like earlier (four months ago) when I said that I was trying to let it go, it really was a no. But now I'm turning it into a yes. I'm done trying. I'm letting go. I hope.

disneyland

Honestly, I don't really even like Disneyland in and of itself. I hate crowds, I hate heat, I hate waiting in line. And that's basically Disneyland in the summer (which is basically the only time I ever get to go there). But, at around this time every year, I get this super strong urge to go to Disneyland and spend like the rest of my life there. I convince myself that I need it. And maybe I do need it.
Why do I long for Disneyland even though I don't really like it? It's complicated. And not so complicated. I don't know if I can even adequately explain it in a blog post. But I'm going to try because I've been thinking about it a lot lately.
I grew up visiting my grandparents at least once a year and they live about an hour away from Disneyland. Practically from the first time my parents took my sister and me to Disneyland we were addicted. It was just so exciting and so magical. We would get up early early and ride in the car (for a looong time. An hour is a long time when you're 7). We would eat little baggies of cereal and drink juice and plan our whole day. And the anticipation would build and build and build. Honestly, I don't remember too many specific things about going to Disneyland when I was young. But I do remember those feelings. Those feelings of happiness and excitement and just how much my parents love and care about me. I didn't have to worry about anything. Just stand in line and have fun. Hearing the music of Main Street just felt like a wonderful new home. Now, as an adult (whoa that was weird writing that), I still want to feel happy and excited and loved and carefree. Disneyland provides all those wonderful feelings.
It has always felt like Disneyland was made for my sister and me. It was our special place. I have so many memories of just the two of us on rides. And all of the crazy things we would come up with to amuse ourselves while waiting in line. After listening to a family speaking in Spanish, we decided to make up our own language so everyone would think we were cool and foreign. But we couldn't actually understand each other, so that stopped haha. Then we would listen in to other people's conversations and add commentary to each other. And our dad would read jokes from Reader's Digest to us (he got a lot of Reader's Digest reading in those lines). And then there was the one time where we made up names for all of the people on The Haunted Mansion (I don't know if my sister knows that I participated in that wholeheartedly because I was really terrified and naming the people made it all seem less scary).
These little things seem so silly and unimportant now. But at the same time, they are my childhood. The smell of Pirates of the Caribbean. The Spanish at the end of Small World. The Grand Canyon. "This is the wildest ride in the wilderness!" Flying on Dumbo at night. My faces on Splash Mountain. Watching the fireworks from the line of Big Thunder. Wondering why some of the princes are nameless. Agreeing that the scariest ride is Snow White. Flying over London on Peter Pan. Being Australian on Tom Sawyer's Island. Epic running through New Orleans Square. Waiting a gazillion years for the Go-Coaster, the shortest ride in existence. Waiting a gazillion years for that ride that I don't even remember the name of that always broke down. Eating hamburgers with Pinocchio. Just thinking about all of these things makes me feel so wonderfully nostalgic and happy.
And the happiest part for me is seeing my sister just so ridiculously happy the whole time. Even when I'm too hot to do anything. And I'm crabby from all of the people standing too close to me. She's happy the whole time. Every second. It really is my sister's special happy place. And part of her happiness depends on me being there, too. To remind her of our childhood together. And I'm happy to be there for her.
As we've gotten older, we've created new memories at Disneyland while reliving the old ones. And these memories include the whole family. Like the giant laugh attack while waiting for Dumbo.
Disneyland means family. Disneyland means childhood. Disneyland is magic.
So here it is, that time of year when I just really want to go. But I don't have time (or money) to go this summer. And I would like to go when it's not so hot or crowded (so not in the summer). It's going to be hard not going this year. But we will go again soon. Because it's that important to us.
Hopefully one day, we'll bring our own children and husbands along with us. And it will be wonderful.

weight loss and self-acceptance

I'm sitting here overhearing a conversation between a group of women at my school. And they're all talking about their weight. Why is it that we (especially young women) always have conversations about weight? It's just a number. Why do we make it so much more than that?
I've never been skinny. I will never be skinny. And it's a fight every day for me to accept my body for what it is. And it makes it harder when skinny, beautiful women call themselves fat. Because if they're fat, what am I?
Some days, I look in the mirror and I feel beautiful. Some days I don't. But it's something I don't talk about much. I've always been uncomfortable talking about my weight and my clothing sizes. I am who I am, those numbers don't define me.
I'm just sick of this obsession with weight loss. It seems to be particularly prevalent this year. It's like I can't go anywhere without seeing something about dieting and how you have to be thin to be happy. There's a huge bulletin board outside of the dining hall at my school that has "motivational" pictures and quotes that are supposed to help people be encouraged to lose weight or whatever. And it makes me feel like a failure every time I walk by (usually after meals) because I eat. And I'm not always thinking about how to lose weight. Because there are other more important things.
Why can't we focus on being healthy? Get exercise because it feels good and it's good for your heart. But not to lose weight. Because I know plenty of skinny people who are not happy. And plenty of not so skinny people who are fabulously happy. Weight does not define happiness. Weight should not define happiness. Can we move on now?
I thought that I had moved on to self-acceptance. But this past month has been extremely hard for me to love myself when everything around me is telling me that I'm worthless until I lose weight.