faith

I babysit a couple of 2-year-olds on Tuesday mornings. Usually it's chaotic and happy and lovely because everything is new to them. And they are excited about everything. Everything warrants a celebration because they have figured out what it is and how to say it and how to appreciate it. Most of the time, it's the highlight of may week.
But today things were a little more stressful than usual. They were discovering things that were potentially dangerous and all of a sudden they were both in tears and I wasn't exactly sure why. I think one fell down and one just felt like crying or something. It all happened at once. So I picked up the little girl and asked her what was wrong. When she finally calmed down enough to tell me that she hurt her tummy. I asked if I should rub her tummy and she said yes. So I did and then asked her if it felt better. No.
"What should we do to make it better?" I asked. She stopped crying and looked at me and said, "Maybe we should pray about it."
And it was just the most moving thing. Obviously that's the best thing to do. And this little girl knew that praying would help. So we sat right there on the couch and, me holding back tears, we prayed for her tummy. After we prayed, the rest of the morning went just fine. Everyone was happy again. Everything went smoothly.
I was having a frustrating morning, but thanks to the faith of this toddler, I was reminded of the power of Jesus. And, of course, none of this is up to me. It's all up to him.

love languages

It's Valentine's Day and I'm writing a blog post about love. Predictable.
But anyway, I spend a lot of time analyzing my personality and recently I've been interested in the 5 Love Languages. The 5 Love Languages are how people give and receive love. They are: Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts, Quality Time, and Physical Touch. (If you're curious, you can take a quiz at www.5lovelanguages.com)
Anyway, I took this quiz the other day and my top love language is Words of Affirmation, closely followed by Quality Time. I was a little surprised by this at first (I thought #1 would be Acts of Service, but we'll get to that), but the more I think about it, the more it makes sense. I need people to tell me that they love me. Even if they help me out and give me gifts and hug me, I need people to tell me how they feel about me or there's this little voice of doubt in my head. If they haven't said that they value me, I start to wonder if I mean anything to them at all. And I know this is probably a little bit irrational on my part, but that's how I feel loved.
The Quality Time one didn't surprise me. When I love someone, I want to spend as much time as possible with that person. This may seem rather counter-intuitive for an introvert, but it's really not. I love (and need) to spend one-on-one time with people that I love. I feel so close to people when we have spent hours just being together and talking, enjoying each other's company.
I was surprised that Acts of Service wasn't my top love language. It wasn't even in the top three. I was surprised because I am a very service-oriented person and the way I show others that I love them is by offering to help them. But this doesn't work in reverse for me. I feel like a burden when others help me. I don't feel loved; I feel like a charity case. I mean, it's great when people can help when I ask for a favor, but I often feel uncomfortable when people offer to do things for me. This is something I should probably work on, but right now, it's not how I feel loved.
I just thought this was all interesting. And if you want to make sure that I know that you love me, tell me. Because it means a lot to me to hear that people love and appreciate me.
And now I feel like a jerk for writing a blog post telling people to tell me that they love me. Which wasn't my intent, but here we are.

pretending

It still always surprises me that I'm an adult person. I feel like I'm just going about my normal activities and just being me, but then I catch myself doing grown-up type things and it feels so weird. It feels fake, like it's not really me.
Maybe I'm not explaining this well. But it's like when I go to the bank or the post office. In my brain, those feel like "grown-up" activities. Children don't tend to go to the post office by themselves, and even fewer venture into a bank without an adult. I know that I never did. They always seemed like secret activities reserved for the select few who made it through childhood. And suddenly, I am one of those people.
Many of those "grown-up" activities still feel so foreign to me. When I cook an actual dinner, for example, instead of eating soup from a can. When I use a credit card. Even when I drive places or have "errands" to do. It feels like I'm playing house. Because I can't possibly be old enough to actually need to do these things.
But I guess I'm just going to keep pretending until it feels natural. Because I'm sure it eventually will feel normal and I will feel like a person and not just a being in transition.

self image 2013

I just spent the last while watching youtube videos of people talking about how they see themselves now, at the beginning of 2013. And I was inspired.

• I know what I want even though I say that I don't know what I want because I'm too afraid to actually try to get what I want. Because what if I don't get it? What if I fail? What if I'm wrong?
• I'm scared.
• This is starting out as one of the strangest years because for the first time in my life I'm not in school. Which also adds to the anxiety of everything.
• I want full-time employment because I need job experience and of course money, but I don't want full-time employment because it means that I'm a grown-up and I'm not sure that I'm ready to be. I don't think that sounds particularly fun.
• But at the same time it sounds like the most fun ever.
• Also, I really want to be able to move out of my parent's house.
• I want to sit and read all the time. I haven't felt this urge to read this bad since like 7th grade. So I'm hoping that I have the self-discipline to turn off the internet and read more. Like actual books. I'm excited about this because books have consistently been good to me.
• I want to be in better physical shape. I've spent the last 8 years hating myself and my body mostly because I didn't like how I felt (and also how I looked, let's be honest here). I want to feel healthy because I'm young and I have a lot of life left. So I'm working on exercising and eating healthier. It's hard but it will be worth it.
• I'm working on being kind to myself. I tend to overly criticize myself and that really doesn't get me anywhere. I am going to pat myself on the back more and congratulate myself for trying. I am a flawed human being (a redundant sentence since all humans are flawed but whatever) and I am going to try not to be so hard on myself for my short-comings.
• I am desperately trying to hang on to music even though it doesn't really fit in to my future career plans. But it makes me feel complete (ew cliche) so I'm clinging on for dear life, hoping that I can fit it in somehow.
• I whine too much and I'm trying to get in the habit of being grateful for every good thing. Because everything is a gift from God and he deserves my thanks.
• I think I'm starting to like surprises.
• This list is full of things I'm going to do, which is frustrating to me because I want to spend my life doing things and not just waiting to do them.