Sometimes I get stuck thinking that everyone thinks and acts just like me. I'm guessing this is a pretty normal human behavior, but I've been noticing that I think this way a lot. I just start assuming that everyone feels the same way I do and then I get hurt. When someone does something that I never do because it would annoy me so much, I get hurt. When someone is inconsiderate of my feelings, I really feel let down because I work so hard to respect everyone for what they need.
But then I have to stop and think about it for a while. They aren't trying to hurt me. They just view the world differently. I'm definitely overly considerate. I don't have a problem with this. Most of the time. I have had people tell me that I'm too nice and I'm aware that I'm a bit of a pushover. But I want people to be as considerate of me as I am of them. But this will never happen. So I either have to just let it go and cut people even more slack, or just be miserable most of the time. Not exactly the best of options. But I guess I'll just let it go. I'll just have to work to not take things so personally.
Saturday, March 31, 2012
Sunday, March 25, 2012
hunger games and thinking too hard
I saw The Hunger Games on Friday night and my initial reaction was hearty applause. I have read and loved the books and was definitely nervous for the movie. I mean, I've seen Harry Potter completely butchered on screen, so I didn't want to get my hopes up for well-done Hunger Games. But I was pleased with the movie. It told the story the way it needed to be told translated on film. I understand why they cut the things they cut and I was able to accept it for the sake of the story and the sake of the movie. For instance, I realize that it would have been difficult to portray Katniss becoming severely dehydrated without some sort of cheesy voice-over narration. I get that. The camera shakiness kind of annoyed me for a while, but that could be because I was sitting closer to the movie screen than I normally like to. The shakiness also added to the frenetic insanity of the story. If that makes sense.
So anyway, I came away from the film feeling really good about how they did it. I saw the movie as a success and I appreciated what it added to my understanding of the story.
However, now that I've read some reviews, I'm not so sure I'm supposed to like it as much as I did. The more I reflect on it, I realize just how much they did cut out and how it could have had a more well-written script. And maybe Katniss shouldn't have been played by a white actress and how Peeta should have been taller and Gale should have been thinner. And maybe they should have given the audience a detailed account of how many tributes were left throughout the Games.
These are all things that I didn't even think about while I was watching the movie (with the possible exception of the last one... I did wonder at one point just how many people were still alive). I was so captivated by what the film did show that I didn't take time to think about what was missing.
And now I feel like a bad fan of the books because I didn't really care that the actors didn't look exactly like their characters. I didn't really care that everything wasn't exactly how Suzanne Collins wrote it in the books. But I do realize that this isn't a fair way of thinking about it. It's perfectly okay that I liked the movie and that I felt it was true to the story I read. It's just that the more I think about it, I can't help but wonder if I liked the movie too much. Which is stupid, I realize.
I liked The Hunger Games. I thought it effectively did what it needed to do. And I'm going to stop apologizing for liking it.
So anyway, I came away from the film feeling really good about how they did it. I saw the movie as a success and I appreciated what it added to my understanding of the story.
However, now that I've read some reviews, I'm not so sure I'm supposed to like it as much as I did. The more I reflect on it, I realize just how much they did cut out and how it could have had a more well-written script. And maybe Katniss shouldn't have been played by a white actress and how Peeta should have been taller and Gale should have been thinner. And maybe they should have given the audience a detailed account of how many tributes were left throughout the Games.
These are all things that I didn't even think about while I was watching the movie (with the possible exception of the last one... I did wonder at one point just how many people were still alive). I was so captivated by what the film did show that I didn't take time to think about what was missing.
And now I feel like a bad fan of the books because I didn't really care that the actors didn't look exactly like their characters. I didn't really care that everything wasn't exactly how Suzanne Collins wrote it in the books. But I do realize that this isn't a fair way of thinking about it. It's perfectly okay that I liked the movie and that I felt it was true to the story I read. It's just that the more I think about it, I can't help but wonder if I liked the movie too much. Which is stupid, I realize.
I liked The Hunger Games. I thought it effectively did what it needed to do. And I'm going to stop apologizing for liking it.
Monday, March 19, 2012
rain
I've always loved rain. This is probably a good thing considering I grew up in the Seattle area where, as the stereotype says, it rains all the time. Seattle rain is different from a lot of other types of rain.
Seattle rain is misty and light and endless. There is this constant soggy freshness to Seattle rain. A greenness hidden beneath a subtle grey that is easily ignored. Life progresses as normal even through the rain. And when the sun does come out (which it eventually does...sometimes) everything rejoices. I have experienced nothing happier, nothing more beautiful than a sunny Seattle day.
Midwest rain is different. This rain falls in big fat drops, demanding attention. It is loud and heavy and dark until it gets its point across. Then, the sun comes out and people can continue about their business, still talking about the rain. Still thinking about the rain.
Seattle rain exists to accentuate the sun. Midwest rain exists to be.
We've been having a lot of rain today in Missouri. It seemed really appropriate to walk out of U.S. History class, where we were talking about the dust bowl, into a rainstorm. Rain was so important to ending the horrible dust storms in the 1930s. It was kind of wonderful to walk out of class and experience a little taste of what the farming families must have felt when the big drops of rain thundered out of the sky.
I always feel so much better when it's raining. I feel like everything is so much cleaner. The rain washes away negativity and brings new, much-needed perspective.
(Note: Just reread this. No, I'm not high right now...)
Seattle rain is misty and light and endless. There is this constant soggy freshness to Seattle rain. A greenness hidden beneath a subtle grey that is easily ignored. Life progresses as normal even through the rain. And when the sun does come out (which it eventually does...sometimes) everything rejoices. I have experienced nothing happier, nothing more beautiful than a sunny Seattle day.
Midwest rain is different. This rain falls in big fat drops, demanding attention. It is loud and heavy and dark until it gets its point across. Then, the sun comes out and people can continue about their business, still talking about the rain. Still thinking about the rain.
Seattle rain exists to accentuate the sun. Midwest rain exists to be.
We've been having a lot of rain today in Missouri. It seemed really appropriate to walk out of U.S. History class, where we were talking about the dust bowl, into a rainstorm. Rain was so important to ending the horrible dust storms in the 1930s. It was kind of wonderful to walk out of class and experience a little taste of what the farming families must have felt when the big drops of rain thundered out of the sky.
I always feel so much better when it's raining. I feel like everything is so much cleaner. The rain washes away negativity and brings new, much-needed perspective.
(Note: Just reread this. No, I'm not high right now...)
Sunday, March 18, 2012
airplane thoughts
Having been on ten different flights in the past two weeks, I've spent a bit of time contemplating and observing people in airports and on airplanes. Airplane flights are so interesting to me because you basically get a huge group of strangers all in one isolated place. No one can just get up and leave in the middle of the flight. You are basically forced into a community.
People are weird when they are forced to interact with strangers. Some people get really chatty and want to tell their entire life story to whomever will listen. Some people avoid eye contact with others at all costs. It's such an interesting thing because you can essentially be whatever you want to be for an entire flight and no one will know if that's really the real you or not.
Airplane flights are these unique shared experiences. And I think there's something beautiful in that. You get the privilege of spending time with a random sampling of humanity. Sometimes it leaves you feeling empowered and encouraged. Sometimes it makes you embarrassed and depressed. But whatever it does, you have spent some part of your life with these people in a tiny space, 40,000 feet in the air. It's crazy amazing.
I'm not really sure if any of these thoughts are making sense. My mind is sort of all over the place tonight. I'm back at school and I don't want to be. I'm not ready to do all of this school stuff and future stuff. I'm scared and nervous and exhausted. I'm basically on the brink of this huge decision-making process and I'm not entirely sure that I'm going to make the right choice. Even though I know that no decision is inherently wrong. I just have to make the best of whatever direction my life takes. Which sounds like cheesy bs, but I don't think it is.
I can do this. I think. Maybe.
I just have to figure out what "this" is...
People are weird when they are forced to interact with strangers. Some people get really chatty and want to tell their entire life story to whomever will listen. Some people avoid eye contact with others at all costs. It's such an interesting thing because you can essentially be whatever you want to be for an entire flight and no one will know if that's really the real you or not.
Airplane flights are these unique shared experiences. And I think there's something beautiful in that. You get the privilege of spending time with a random sampling of humanity. Sometimes it leaves you feeling empowered and encouraged. Sometimes it makes you embarrassed and depressed. But whatever it does, you have spent some part of your life with these people in a tiny space, 40,000 feet in the air. It's crazy amazing.
I'm not really sure if any of these thoughts are making sense. My mind is sort of all over the place tonight. I'm back at school and I don't want to be. I'm not ready to do all of this school stuff and future stuff. I'm scared and nervous and exhausted. I'm basically on the brink of this huge decision-making process and I'm not entirely sure that I'm going to make the right choice. Even though I know that no decision is inherently wrong. I just have to make the best of whatever direction my life takes. Which sounds like cheesy bs, but I don't think it is.
I can do this. I think. Maybe.
I just have to figure out what "this" is...
Friday, March 16, 2012
uncertainty
I'm reaching this point in my life where I have to make some choices. I mean, life is always full of choices, but at this point the choices I make will probably significantly affect my life. (Side note, I'm having a really hard time typing the word choices.)
It's hard because I'm not 100% positive that I know what I'm doing with my life. I realize that I probably will never be completely sure that I know what I'm doing and I probably just need to pick something and work hard and it will all be fine. Or it won't. In which case I will just make some changes. Anyway, I rarely make decisions without thoroughly contemplating the outcome. I don't go into things unless I am sure (or at least fairly certain) I know the outcome. I hate the unknown, so I avoid it. Unfortunately, I can't really avoid it in this circumstance. And it scares the crap out of me.
So, should I do what makes the most sense financially and practically and will eventually lead to the result I want? Or should I do what sounds more interesting (and makes more sense emotionally) but costs a lot more? I'm in a battle with myself. My logical side is fighting with my emotional side. And I don't know what to do. I really want some magical solution to appear out of the sky. But I've heard that the world doesn't work that way.
It's so strange. I'm absolutely certain that I want to be an adult and I want to act like an adult and be treated like an adult. But I'm also terrified and would like very much to go back and be a child forever. I don't really want that either, though. I guess I don't really know what I want. Again, it's the whole fear of uncertainty.
It's hard because I'm not 100% positive that I know what I'm doing with my life. I realize that I probably will never be completely sure that I know what I'm doing and I probably just need to pick something and work hard and it will all be fine. Or it won't. In which case I will just make some changes. Anyway, I rarely make decisions without thoroughly contemplating the outcome. I don't go into things unless I am sure (or at least fairly certain) I know the outcome. I hate the unknown, so I avoid it. Unfortunately, I can't really avoid it in this circumstance. And it scares the crap out of me.
So, should I do what makes the most sense financially and practically and will eventually lead to the result I want? Or should I do what sounds more interesting (and makes more sense emotionally) but costs a lot more? I'm in a battle with myself. My logical side is fighting with my emotional side. And I don't know what to do. I really want some magical solution to appear out of the sky. But I've heard that the world doesn't work that way.
It's so strange. I'm absolutely certain that I want to be an adult and I want to act like an adult and be treated like an adult. But I'm also terrified and would like very much to go back and be a child forever. I don't really want that either, though. I guess I don't really know what I want. Again, it's the whole fear of uncertainty.
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
in which i complain a little (a lot)
I just got back home yesterday after a week in Barcelona, Spain. I spent a lot of time throughout the week thinking about what I was going to get after the trip, how I was going to feel. I was hoping to have some profound thoughts that I could share on the internet in some creative way. I hoped to figure things out and have some sort of life-changing experience. Needless to say, it's not that simple and concrete. Honestly, I feel so many different overwhelming feelings that may or may not have to do with spending a week in Spain.
First of all, I am so incredibly fortunate to have the opportunity to visit Barcelona. I'm even more fortunate that I didn't really have to pay for it. It was all part of my Cottey tuition. I probably wouldn't have ever gone to Spain if it wasn't for this Cottey trip. I honestly had very little interest in Spain. I don't know Spanish. I've spent the last six years learning French and learning about France. But I went to Spain. I'll probably make time to go to France someday in the future. I would never have planned to go to Spain. And I really am lucky to have gone because now I know what's there and what it's like. It truly is beautiful and lovely.
This whole trip felt a little bittersweet though. In some sort of sinister way, it kind of felt like a bribe. It was like Cottey was saying, "Forget how annoyed you are with the college, we'll take you to Europe." I have had so many disappointments with Cottey that it's been difficult for me to be grateful throughout this whole experience. And some of my closest friends I made at Cottey did not get to go to Barcelona with me because they left before their second year. If I was smart, I probably would have left, too. The whole week, I kept feeling more and more upset about the whole Cottey experience, but I felt like I was being a selfish baby for complaining about it. I got a free trip to Europe, but I also feel cheated out of my first two years of college.
I feel so conflicted about how I'm supposed to feel. On the one hand, I'm angry. I'm angry that Cottey was not actually how it was portrayed to me. I'm upset that I didn't get what I was promised. I also feel like I'm not allowed to complain. On the other hand, I've met some of the best people ever. I don't regret that. If I didn't get amazing friends out of this whole Cottey experience, I would feel completely awful about the entire experience. But I do have to realize that if I hadn't gone to Cottey, I would never have met my closest friends. And I can't overlook that.
But basically, I'm tired of being treated like a child. I'm 20 years old. I know how to take care of myself. I know how to study. I would like to be shown respect from my peers and my teachers. I would like to be treated like an adult. I would like the adults around me to actually act like adults. It's unfortunate that I won't have those things until I leave Cottey.
But Cottey did give me friends. And it gave me a week in Spain. I guess for everything else, I'm on my own. Maybe one day I won't feel this bitter. But right now, while I'm trying to figure out what I'm doing with my life and I'm realizing that Cottey wasn't very helpful with that, I'm going to be upset. But it will get better. I will be happier. And maybe one day I'll look back and laugh at how pathetic and silly all of this was.
First of all, I am so incredibly fortunate to have the opportunity to visit Barcelona. I'm even more fortunate that I didn't really have to pay for it. It was all part of my Cottey tuition. I probably wouldn't have ever gone to Spain if it wasn't for this Cottey trip. I honestly had very little interest in Spain. I don't know Spanish. I've spent the last six years learning French and learning about France. But I went to Spain. I'll probably make time to go to France someday in the future. I would never have planned to go to Spain. And I really am lucky to have gone because now I know what's there and what it's like. It truly is beautiful and lovely.
This whole trip felt a little bittersweet though. In some sort of sinister way, it kind of felt like a bribe. It was like Cottey was saying, "Forget how annoyed you are with the college, we'll take you to Europe." I have had so many disappointments with Cottey that it's been difficult for me to be grateful throughout this whole experience. And some of my closest friends I made at Cottey did not get to go to Barcelona with me because they left before their second year. If I was smart, I probably would have left, too. The whole week, I kept feeling more and more upset about the whole Cottey experience, but I felt like I was being a selfish baby for complaining about it. I got a free trip to Europe, but I also feel cheated out of my first two years of college.
I feel so conflicted about how I'm supposed to feel. On the one hand, I'm angry. I'm angry that Cottey was not actually how it was portrayed to me. I'm upset that I didn't get what I was promised. I also feel like I'm not allowed to complain. On the other hand, I've met some of the best people ever. I don't regret that. If I didn't get amazing friends out of this whole Cottey experience, I would feel completely awful about the entire experience. But I do have to realize that if I hadn't gone to Cottey, I would never have met my closest friends. And I can't overlook that.
But basically, I'm tired of being treated like a child. I'm 20 years old. I know how to take care of myself. I know how to study. I would like to be shown respect from my peers and my teachers. I would like to be treated like an adult. I would like the adults around me to actually act like adults. It's unfortunate that I won't have those things until I leave Cottey.
But Cottey did give me friends. And it gave me a week in Spain. I guess for everything else, I'm on my own. Maybe one day I won't feel this bitter. But right now, while I'm trying to figure out what I'm doing with my life and I'm realizing that Cottey wasn't very helpful with that, I'm going to be upset. But it will get better. I will be happier. And maybe one day I'll look back and laugh at how pathetic and silly all of this was.
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