rain

I've always loved rain. This is probably a good thing considering I grew up in the Seattle area where, as the stereotype says, it rains all the time. Seattle rain is different from a lot of other types of rain.
Seattle rain is misty and light and endless. There is this constant soggy freshness to Seattle rain. A greenness hidden beneath a subtle grey that is easily ignored. Life progresses as normal even through the rain. And when the sun does come out (which it eventually does...sometimes) everything rejoices. I have experienced nothing happier, nothing more beautiful than a sunny Seattle day.
Midwest rain is different. This rain falls in big fat drops, demanding attention. It is loud and heavy and dark until it gets its point across. Then, the sun comes out and people can continue about their business, still talking about the rain. Still thinking about the rain.
Seattle rain exists to accentuate the sun. Midwest rain exists to be.
We've been having a lot of rain today in Missouri. It seemed really appropriate to walk out of U.S. History class, where we were talking about the dust bowl, into a rainstorm. Rain was so important to ending the horrible dust storms in the 1930s. It was kind of wonderful to walk out of class and experience a little taste of what the farming families must have felt when the big drops of rain thundered out of the sky.
I always feel so much better when it's raining. I feel like everything is so much cleaner. The rain washes away negativity and brings new, much-needed perspective.

(Note: Just reread this. No, I'm not high right now...)

in which i get way too involved in a tv show

Basically I'm obsessed with the show Parenthood. I usually love things with giant extended families in it (7th Heaven, Dan in Real Life just to name a few). I don't know what it is about this show, but it's amazing. Seriously.
Anyway, I just watched last night's episode and it was like the best ever. And I'm feeling all the feelings so I thought I should blog about it. There was nothing about this episode that I didn't like. So, let's talk about some of the things (SPOILERS sorry):

1. That whole Crosby and Zeek storyline. Beautiful. I feel like they've done a wonderful job with Crosby's character. I don't really like him and he's sort of annoying, but I think deep down he means well and I think that comes across a lot in this episode. I know what it's like to be afraid when you realize that your parents aren't immortal. It's actually something I've been dealing with lately. And while I'm not as old as Crosby and my parents are not as old as Zeek and Camille, I know that day is coming. Sooner than I would like. It's scary. You want your parents to be there always because they always have been. But they aren't going to be. This whole storyline. Goodness. It just really got to me.
2. Max. Goodness gracious Max. I have a brother who has some similar characteristics to Max and it's just weird to see it all play out on TV. My brother and Max are not the same by any means, but there are so many moments when they break my heart. And, can someone please answer this question: Why are there still PE teachers that have kids pick their own teams? It's possibly the worst form of humiliation to be rejected by your peers so blatantly obviously. It seems like we're so worried about kids' self-esteem that we do all kinds of other things to protect them, why not stop this whole popularity team picking whatever nonsense? Seriously.
3. Drew is so lovely. I absolutely sympathize with him. He's not even an adult yet and his mom is already moving on, or at least that's how he feels. And it's heartbreaking to see. Because he's right. None of this is fair to him.
4. I might be the only person in Parenthood fandom that isn't super excited for Sarah and Mark to have a baby. Can they like get married first please? Or is this something we don't do anymore? I would be okay with them thinking about getting married, but come on, their relationship isn't ready for a child. Does Sarah even make money? She lives with her parents. I think she has enough issues to deal with in her already existing family without bringing a baby into it. I just don't understand why they talk so much about having a baby, but they haven't mentioned getting married. I have a problem with this.
5. Amber and Bob. I'm not okay with Amber and Bob's relationship. It's unprofessional. I've read a lot of comments about how she's 19! and they're both adults! and it's all legal and it's all their business! But I don't think that makes it right. She works for him. Maybe after the campaign. Maybe. And also, just because she's legally an adult doesn't mean that she's necessarily the best at making decisions.
6. Once again, I feel like I'm the only person that totally agrees with/identifies with Kristina. I love Kristina. She got Amber that job and then Amber is in this inappropriate relationship with her boss. Ew. And I don't blame Haddie for being concerned. Goodness, Kristina and Haddie are my favorites.
7. Julia annoys me, but I understand her. I'm kind of tired of this whole baby adoption storyline honestly. I feel like it's been dragged out for too long and nothing is really resolved.
8. Joel is the perfect man. Still.

Okay, I think that's it. This show just does something to me.

pain demands to be felt: a book review

NOTE: In this blog post, I am talking about The Fault in Our Stars by John Green.  There is a good chance that there will be spoilers.  I'm not exactly sure what I'm going to write about yet (since I'm writing this note before I actually write the post) but you have been warned. I don't want to be accused of posting spoilers.  So. THERE MAY BE SPOILERS. Proceed at your own risk.


In which I ramble about feelings and books and cancer and death and stuff:

This week has been a roller coaster of emotions for me.  I started back at school this week feeling particularly stressed because I don't know what I'm doing with my life and starting a new semester is stressful.  And then my dad went into the hospital on Tuesday with a brain bleed.  And now he's been diagnosed with a brain tumor.  Now my dad is currently in the hospital waiting to be operated on.  I am 2000 miles away from my family.  This is scary stuff, especially for me since I am very close to my family and I feel a sense of responsibility to them.  I want to be around my family.  But right now I can't be.  I have to be at school.  This has been so hard.
Coincidentally, Tuesday was also the day The Fault in Our Stars was released.  This book is about teenagers who are living with cancer.  But it is equally about caring for others with serious illnesses and having to watch someone you love die.  Ten years ago (man, I can't believe it was ten whole years ago) my mom was in the hospital with breast cancer and my aunt died from breast cancer.  It was a cheery year.  Fortunately, my mom is now fine (cancer-wise).  But my aunt is still dead.  And, I think what I found the most interesting about TFiOS was how the characters didn't tiptoe around the idea of death.  They didn't glorify it. There is nothing wonderful about ceasing to exist on earth to the people who continue to exist.  When you die, you are gone.  And you will probably be forgotten.
My aunt is gone.  But, as long as I'm still alive, I will remember the love she showed me.  But once I die, who knows?  In 100 years will anyone remember my aunt?  Will anyone remember me? Probably not. And that is true for everyone.
But, in the short term, when someone dies, everyone she loved and everyone who loves her is hurt for a long time.  And you cannot avoid that hurt.  Pain is like that.  It demands to be felt.  That's how I felt when my aunt died.  And that's how I've felt for much of this week.  It hurt a lot when I found out my dad was in the hospital and we didn't know why.  And it hurt so much to find out that he has a brain tumor.  All I could do was sit and cry for several hours.  I had to feel that pain.  I had to process that pain.  There was no ignoring it.  TFiOS came at such an important moment for me because it kind of showed me that there is no reason to apologize for feeling hurt.  You have to deal with the pain.  Because that's the way life is.

I don't know if I'm happy with this rambling post of semi-nonsense.  I'm not sure it does TFiOS justice.  Partly because I'm still not sure how I feel about TFiOS.  I know that death sucks for those left behind.  And I know that everyone dies.  And I know that I'm rambling again.  I don't think that I will be able to completely process the book tonight.  I don't know if I will ever be able to completely process the book.  And I think that's okay.  Okay.